Friends, Season 11
by Duck Life
Summary: This is what I think Season 11 would be like. Episodes are written in script form. I plan to update every Thursday. I know I'm not as funny as the writers. Please R&R!
1. The One Where Rachel Comes Back

**PREVIOUSLY ON FRIENDS:**

_Ross is listening to a message on his answering machine. _

Answering Machine Rachel: I love you, Ross.

_Ross gapes. Scene blacks out for a moment and returns to same scene._

Answering Machine Flight Attendant: No, I'm sorry, you can't leave the plane.

Answering Machine Rachel: I have to leave the plane! I have to tell somebody that I love them!

Answering Machine: Beep!

Ross: What? Does she get off the plane? DOES SHE GET OFF THE PLANE?!

_Ross begins to shake answering machine frantically. Scene moves to Monica and Chandler's apartment, where Chandler, Monica, Joey and Phoebe are watching Ross through the window. The twins are sleeping in the bassinette across the room._

Phoebe: It looks like Ross is having a fit.

Monica: What are you talking about? _Moves to window to get a better look. _What's he yelling about?

Joey: I think I can tell what he's mouthing.

Phoebe: Yeah…he's saying "I want my…cooking." He's probably mad that Monica's moving. She won't be able to cook for him as often.

Monica: I never cook for him.

Joey: No, no, he's saying "I want my cookie."

Monica: It probably has something to do with Rachel.

Phoebe: Rachel stole his cookie!

_Monica rolls her eyes. Theme song plays. Scene returns to Monica and Chandler's apartment. Chandler and Monica are watching the twins sleep. Joey is seated at the table eating a sandwich. Phoebe is watching Ross's apartment through the window._

Phoebe: Hey! Ross is gone!

Monica: Maybe he went to the airport!

Joey: Maybe he's going to Paris to get his cookie back!

Phoebe: He's not going to Paris just to get a cookie back!

Joey: You're right! They sell those at the coffee shop! I'll go buy him one!

_Exit Joey. _

Monica: Oh, that's just horrible about Ross.

Chandler: Yeah. I bet it was a Snickerdoodle.

Monica: Chandler, be quiet, I don't want the twins catching onto your joke thing.

Chandler: What's wrong with them catching onto my joke thing? You love it on me, it'll be cute on them! Jack and Erica will be sitting on the couch, Erica will fall off, and Jack will say, "Sit much?" _Laughs._ Those kids are going to steal my thing. I'm going to be run out of my niche by my own children!

Monica: See?

Chandler: Okay, you're right. No more jokes around the kids!

_Enter Ross. _

Ross: Hi.

Monica: Ross, what's going on?

Ross: Rachel is in love with me.

Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica: What?

_Enter Joey._

Joey: Hey, man. Got you a cookie. _Hands Ross a cookie. _Now you don't have to go all the way to Paris.

Monica: Joey, Rachel is in love with Ross!

Joey: What?

Ross: I know! But I think she's still on the plane! It doesn't matter, because I'm not going to see her ever again, and now… it's just obsolete.

Joey: It's not obsolete! What's that mean?

Ross: Never mind.

Joey: Sorry about the Rachel thing, anyway.

Ross: Ugh. It's awful.

Monica: Ross, I'm really sorry, but Chandler and Jack and Erica and I have to- _takes a breath_ Hey! I can't say all the people in my family in just one breath! I've got a big family! Whoo!

Ross: Um…Monica?

Monica: Right. We have to move right now.

Ross: I understand. It's okay. You move into your new big house with your perfect family and I'll just stay here and throw myself off the building.

Monica: Ross!

Ross: No, no, you go, really, I'm fine.

Monica: Okay. Come on Chandler.

_Chandler takes the twins and follows Monica out the door. Ross turns to Phoebe and Joey and grins._

Phoebe: What?

Monica (from the hall): RACHEL!

_Door opens and Monica and Chandler enter towing a crying Rachel. _

Ross: See? It's a surprise now!

_Ross and Rachel kiss._

Rachel: I'm staying in New York!

Monica: Oh, this is great!

_Monica and Rachel hug. Monica turns to Ross._

Monica: Ross Geller, you are a bad, bad person!

Rachel: Don't say that to my boyfriend! Oh, I like saying that. Ross is my boyfriend!

Ross: I love you, Rache.

Rachel: Monica, look! _Gestures to herself and Ross rapidly. _We're in love!

Monica: I know! This is so great!

Chandler: Monica, we still have to move.

Monica: But we have to stay here so we can watch Ross's apartment and see Ross and Rachel talking and stuff! We can spy on them like Ross spied on us!

Chandler: We can install a camera. Hurry, I think they're learning to soil their diapers simultaneously.

Monica: Okay, okay. Bye! We'll probably see you tomorrow… 'cause I bet no place in Westchester sells coffee as good as Central Perk!

Chandler: Bye! Good-bye!

_Chandler and Monica exit and the scene follows them to the hall._

Chandler: Monica, we're not going to be able to see them every day.

Monica: What are you talking about?

Chandler: Well, New York and Westchester are about an hour away from each other.

Monica: I've got a car.

Chandler: Yes, but Rachel, Ross, and Joey don't. Your car will pretty much be a taxi for them. You might as well paint it yellow now and-

Monica: Chandler, no jokes around the kids.

Chandler: Right. Sweetie, we're a family now. We're not going to be hanging out with our friends all the time now. At most, we'll probably only see them about three times a week, and it won't be like we've always done, because we'll have to go home early so we're there in time to put the twins to bed. You have to realize that our life doesn't revolve around our friends now.

Monica (sadly): Okay.

Chandler: Okay. I love you, honey.

Monica: Love you, too.

_They kiss and walk down the stairs. Scene returns to Monica and Chandler's old apartment._

Rachel: We should probably leave. I mean, who owns this apartment now?

Phoebe: Ooh! Ooh, Ross should buy it! That would be so cool! You could be the new hostess.

Rachel: You mean host.

Phoebe: I mean hostess.

Ross: Guys, I'm not going to buy this apartment. I've got a great apartment.

Phoebe: But this has always been the place where we hang out! We're probably going to end up here most of the time subconsciously!

Ross: Joey will keep you from trying to come in here.

Joey: Joey will do what? Anyway, I think you should buy this apartment, because I want to finish my sandwich.

Rachel: Ross, I really think you should buy this apartment.

Phoebe: You really should, Ross, you know he can't walk and eat.

Ross: Hm. Okay…Okay! I will! I'll go see if I can catch Monica and Chandler! I've got to tell them that I love this apartment!

_Ross runs out of the apartment. _

Phoebe: He's been doing that a lot lately.

_Scene ends and opens outside the building, where Monica is waiting outside her Porsche impatiently as Chandler sings to the twins in the backseat. _

Monica: What are you doing?

Chandler: I'm trying to get them to sleep so they don't cry and startle you while you're driving!

Monica: Startle _me_?

Chandler: Fine, so they don't startle _me _and make you stop the car.

_Enter Ross from the building, unseen yet by Monica and Chandler._

Monica: Hurry up, we should have left by now!

Ross: Why are you in such a hurry to get away from us, Monica?

Monica: Ross?

Ross: Yeah. A representative of the group of people you "should have left by now".

_Baby cries._

Chandler: Oh, great, now they're awake again!

Monica: Chandler, get in the passenger seat and let me deal with my brother.

_Chandler shuts the back door where the twins are, gets in the passenger's seat, and closes the car door._

Ross: Why are you so mad?

Monica (sadly): Chandler says I won't be able to see you guys as much.

Ross: Oh, Mon, of course you will.

Chandler (from the car): No she won't! Don't get her hopes up, I hate letting her down!

Monica: Then don't! You know, I'm starting to think that I'm in a dangerous…_controlling_ relationship.

Chandler: It's not a controlling relationship- it's a marriage.

Monica: Then why are you telling me what I can and cannot do? You're not the boss of me!

Chandler: And you're not three years old.

Monica: _You _aren't supposed to be making wisecracks around the twins!

Chandler: It's…hard.

Monica: Well, it's hard for me to think about hardly seeing my friends.

Ross: Monica, I sort of needed to talk to you…

Monica: Ross, I can't deal with this right now.

Chandler: Sweetie, don't be angry. This is for our family. That's the only reason you can't spend all your time with your friends. I want the best for our family.

Monica: I know. I'm sorry, Chandler. I love you.

Chandler: I love you, too.

_Chandler tilts his head up to kiss Monica through the window. Monica begins leaning down to kiss him, but pulls back abruptly. _

Monica: I can't believe I almost got lip prints on the window! Ugh, I must be tired.

_Chandler rolls his eyes. Monica walks around the front of the car and begins to step into the driver's seat._

Ross: Wait! I wanted to talk to you about something important.

Monica: Ross, we're getting a really late start, can you tell us later?

Ross: Well, it's not really a statement, more of a question. Ironically, though it is not a statement, I need a statement from you, so, because I didn't specify what "it" is, it isn't incorrect to say "it's a statement", but-

Monica: Ross! Really?

Ross: Can I have the apartment?

Monica: Take it! It's yours! Just talk to Trigger, he'll organize the rent and everything! Tell them bye! We have to go. Bye!

_Monica gets into the car and drives away._

Ross: Okay…bye.

_Night falls. Scene opens at Ross's apartment, where Rachel and Ross are sitting on the couch watching a movie._

Rachel: Ross, I know we just got back together, but where exactly are we?

Ross: Well…we dated for a year…then I SLEPT WITH SOMEBODY ELSE WHILE WE WERE _NOT _ON A BREAK!

Rachel: That's right.

Ross: And then we broke up for a year, got back together, broke up again after a day, I married Emily, said your name at the wedding, you said you loved me, we got divorced, we got married in Vegas, I fell in love with you again-

Rachel: What? You were in love with me then?

Ross: Yeah. That's…really why I wanted to stay married.

Rachel: Wow. I didn't know. Ross, I'm sorry for how mad I got at you, I really didn't know what you were going through.

Ross: Don't be, don't be, it's fine. Anyway, we got divorced, kissed when Monica and Chandler got engaged, we had a baby together, then…you decided to go to Paris, we had one more amazing night together, and then I realized that I still loved you, and I ran to tell you…and when you got on the plane…Rache, that was the worst I've ever felt…knowing that you were leaving forever- that I's never see you again…

Rachel: Ross, I'm so sorry. I was confused, and-

Ross: No, don't apologize. When I heard you say that you loved me back, on the phone, it was the best I had ever felt, and it didn't matter that I thought you were going to Paris. You loved me, and that was wonderful.

_A pause._

Ross: Then, I saw you in the hallway, we kissed, and here we are.

_Rachel sighs._

Rachel: Wow. We should go with Joey and talk to the writers of _Days of Our Lives_.

Ross: I know!

Rachel: But… I still… I mean, is this like our first date or have we been together for nine years?

Ross: Rachel… I don't really know where we are, but I know we're in the right place.

Rachel: Me too.

_They move closer to each other and return their focus to the television. Scene ends and opens at Monica and Chandler's apartment, where they are playing with the twins._

Monica: Peek-a-boo! Ow. Poked myself in the eye.

Chandler: You know, in some parts of the world, that's-

Monica: Chandler…

Chandler: I know, I know. It's just so hard to stop! It's like when I quit smoking.

Monica: Chandler…

Chandler: It's like when I quit smoking every week!

Monica: Chandler…

Chandler: Every day! It's like when I quit smoking every day! Happy now?

Monica: Not really. My husband's a lying smoker who forbids me to be with my friends.

Chandler: He sounds like a jerk.

Monica: He also doesn't listen when I tell him not to joke around our children.

Chandler: I bet he'll stop being such a jerk if you let him make his jokes.

Monica: And maybe I will if he lets me see my friends.

_A pause._

Chandler: Hey kids, we're talking about me. The third person might confuse you…I still haven't caught on.

Monica: I'll get the keys.

Chandler: I'll get the joke book!

_Chandler and Monica exit the house with the twins. Credits appear on the screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Phoebe and Joey are in Joey's apartment._

Joey: I just realized something. We didn't end up together. Chandler and Monica, Rachel and Ross…and now I'm alone and you're with a guy I randomly found at the coffee shop.

Phoebe: You know…we could have just one…night…together…

Joey: Yeah…

_Phoebe slaps him._

Phoebe: Joey, I'm married!

_Phoebe stands to leave._

Joey: I know! I was just testing you! You're a very faithful wife!

**END OF SHOW**


	2. The One With Ross's Fossil

_Scene opens at Central Perk. Rachel and Ross are sharing a chair. Joey is sitting in the chair at the end table. Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Monica and Chandler are holding the twins._

Monica (in baby voice): Who's a pretty baby girl? Who's a pretty baby girl?

Chandler: That would be Erica, the one _I'm_ holding.

Phoebe: Oh, they're so cute! I want one.

_Enter Mike._

Mike: Hey!

Joey: Hi, Mike!

Monica, Chandler, Rachel, and Ross: Hi, Mike!

_Phoebe stands and hurries toward Mike._

Mike: Pheebs, I-

Phoebe: No time. We're going back to the apartment.

Mike: But-

Phoebe: We have to make a baby!

Mike (confusedly): Okay…

_Phoebe drags Mike out of the door. Theme song plays. Scene opens at Ross's apartment. Movers are taking the couch through the door. Ross and Rachel are standing near the movers._

Ross (to mover): So, how much is it going to cost?

Mover: Couple hundred dollars.

Ross: But I'm just moving across the street!

Mover: Yeah, but all these dinosaur knickknacks are gonna weigh us down. I suggest you get rid of them.

Ross: Get rid of them?!

Mover: The price isn't going to change.

Ross: Well, can I have some of your boxes to pack them and bring them over myself?

Mover: Sorry, but it's going to take us a while to get all this furniture downstairs.

Ross: Fine. I guess I'll just…get rid of them.

_Ross moves toward the window. Rachel slips the mover money._

Rachel (whispering): Thanks.

Rachel: This is great! Now we'll be right across the hall from each other!

Ross: I know! And I'll be the new hostess!

Rachel: Host.

Ross: Right.

Joey (faintly): Ross! Rachel!

Rachel: Is that Joey?

_They move to look out the window. Joey is on the balcony of Monica and Chandler's old apartment. _

Joey: This is so cool!

Ross: What are you talking about?

Joey: If you're moving there, we can talk across the street like this!

Ross: Joey, I've been living here for the past six years.

Joey: What are you talking about? Aren't you just moving in today?

Ross: No!

Joey: But what about all those movers?

Ross: They're moving me out!

Joey: Where are you moving?

Ross: There!

Joey: So you'll be across the hall?

Ross: Yes!

Joey: Can we still shout?

Ross: Fine!

Joey: Cool. Hey, throw me something!

Ross: We're not going to-

_Rachel throws a model dinosaur bone out the window._

Ross: Rachel! That was-

Joey: I caught it!

Ross: A brilliant idea!

_Scene ends and opens at Phoebe and Mike's apartment. Mike is walking out of their bedroom in a bathrobe and Phoebe follows, also in a bathrobe._

Phoebe: But I want a baby!

Mike: We've probably already made one now! Why don't you go take a pregnancy test?

Phoebe: But what if I'm not pregnant?

Mike: Then we'll try again later, but we promised Ross we'd help him move!

Phoebe: But wouldn't he be happier if we made another person to help with moving?

Mike: Phoebe, let's go.

Phoebe: Fine. But _I'm _going in my robe.

Mike: Get dressed. You can't go in your robe.

Phoebe: Then I'm not going at all.

Mike: Phoebe!

_Scene ends and opens at Monica and Chandler's house. The twins are lying on the floor and Monica is leaning over them with some nail polish._

Monica: And…there.

_She strokes the nail brush across one of the babies' toenails._

Monica: All done!

_Enter Chandler._

Chandler: Honey, I'm home!

Monica: Chandler, Chandler, look!

_Monica gestures to the twins._

Monica: Now we can tell them apart! I painted Jack's toenails blue and Erica's toenails pink!

Chandler: No…you painted Jack's toenails pink and Erica's toenails blue.

Monica: Augh! Why can't I ever get it right? How do you tell them apart?

Chandler: I guess I just know them. I mean, Jack looks like me, and Erica looks like you.

Monica: Will you quit with the lookalike stuff? They're adopted!

Chandler: Shhh! They can hear us, Monica!

Monica: _Sigh. _I guess you're just a better parent than I am.

Chandler: Sweetie, we're both equally good parents.

_Chandler hugs Monica. _

Chandler: 'Course, I might be a tiny bit better.

Monica: Chandler!

_Scene ends and opens in Ross's nearly empty apartment. Rachel and Ross are standing by the window. Joey is across the street on the balcony._

Ross: Alright, steady now, Rachel, swing it like this.

_Ross tosses a model dinosaur egg out the window and it falls to the ground and shatters._

Rachel: Okay, if you want me to do that.

Ross: Rachel!

_Rachel throws a model dinosaur bone to Joey and he catches it and adds it to a pile. Ross picks up a large fossil and carries it to the window sill._

Ross: Okay, this is the last one, and it's real, so it's very important. It _cannot _be dropped. I just have to-

_He prepares to throw it and Rachel grabs it from him._

Ross: What are you doing?

Rachel: Saving your fossil.

Ross: I could have thrown it.

Rachel: Please, you're worse than Chandler.

_Rachel backs up and swings the fossil out the window and toward Joey. He spreads is arms out wide and catches it as it collides with his chest._

Ross: You okay, Joe?

Joey: Think…so…wind…knocked…out…oh…kay…

_Joey turns to put the fossil in his pile and he trips. The fossil slips out of his hands and falls over the edge of the balcony._

Ross: Noooooo!

Rachel: Where did it land? Where did it land?

Joey: Don't…know…can't…see…

Rachel: Oh, I think it broke!

Ross: No! It didn't break! It can't have broken! Joey caught it! Remember, Remember, Rache, Joey caught it? It didn't drop, it didn't drop, IT DIDN'T DROP!!!

Rachel: Ross, I- I think it dropped.

Ross: No it didn't. It's over there at my new apartment.

Joey: Ross! I think your fossil went to fossil heaven!

Ross: BUT IT WAS ALREADY DEAD!!!

Rachel: Ross, I'm really sorry. It's gone.

Ross: No!

Rachel: Ross, come on, let's go.

Ross: Go? Go where? Where are we going?

Rachel: To your new apartment, sweetie. Come on.

_Rachel begins to lead him toward the door._

Ross (bending his neck around and straining against Rachel's grip): JOEY! WHY DID YOU DROP IT?! WHY?!

_Scene ends and opens at Mike and Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe is sitting on the couch looking stubborn (in her bathrobe) and Mike is standing in front of her, fully dressed._

Mike: Baby, just put on some clothes and then we'll head over to Ross's.

Phoebe: I want to go in my bathrobe!

Mike: You can't go out in public wearing a robe.

Phoebe: Joey does!

Mike: Joey is Joey.

Phoebe: Yeah, you have a point.

Mike: So will you just get dressed?

Phoebe: No.

Mike: Come on!

Phoebe: You know, this is what you'll have to put up with when you're a father.

Mike: Then maybe I don't want to be a father!

Phoebe: What? You- you don't want to be a father?

Mike: No, of course I do. I- I want to be a father right now.

_Mike picks up Phoebe, kisses her, and carries her off to the bedroom. Scene ends and opens at Monica and Chandler's house. Monica is entering the living room holding the twins._

Monica: Jack right, Erica left, Jack right, Erica left, Jack right, Erica left.

_Monica sits on the couch, balancing Jack on her right knee and Erica on her left knee with her right hand behind Jack and her left hand behind Erica. She begins bouncing her knees._

Monica: Bouncy, bouncy babies! Bouncy, bouncy-

_Monica grabs Jack's hand and examines the palm._

Monica: Oh my god!

_Enter Chandler from upstairs._

Chandler: Hey, they're up from their nap!

Monica: Yes, they are!

_Monica stands up, holding each twin's left hand carefully. She walks toward Chandler._

Monica (shifting Erica toward Chandler): Jack, do you want to give Daddy a high-five?

Chandler: Oh, hi Jack, give Daddy a high-five.

Monica: I'll hold his hand up for you.

_Monica holds up Erica's left hand. Chandler sees it and his eyes widen._

Chandler: Ha ha, silly Mommy, that's Erica!

Monica: Then why were you calling her Jack?

Chandler: Because…because…because I couldn't see her hand, okay? Yes! I put a blue dot in Sharpie on Jack's hand! That's how I tell them apart!

Monica: Ha! See, I _am _the better parent! You drew on our son! I just mistook him for his sister!

Chandler: Right…marker is _much _worse than thinking he's a girl.

Monica: Oh, shut up! Come on, we told Ross we'd help him move in.

Chandler: I'll get the stroller.

Monica: Put Jack on top!

Chandler: Monica, now that you know my secret, we can share it and just pretend to other people that we know our two children apart!

Monica: Okay!

_Chandler and Monica high-five each other. Scene ends and opens at Ross's new apartment. Ross is sitting on his couch, the only thing in the room other than a table in the kitchen and the small pile of dinosaur artifacts. Rachel is standing behind him with her hand on his shoulder. Joey is toying with the pile of dinosaur artifacts. _

Rachel: Ross, honey, I'm sorry, but your fossil is gone.

Ross: It was so young! Just sixty five million forty years old!

Rachel: I'm sorry.

Joey: Hey, look!

_Joey holds a faux dinosaur jaw to his chin and makes it move up and down._

Joey: Rawr!

_Enter Mike and Phoebe, looking disheveled. _

Rachel: Where have you been?

Mike: Oh, you know. Traffic.

Rachel: Right…so in nine months when a baby pops out of Phoebe, you're going to blame it on _traffic_.

Phoebe: How did you know?

Rachel: Because I know everything!

Phoebe: I bet you don't know what we found in the parking lot!

Rachel: The shattered remains of a dinosaur fossil?

Phoebe: You do know everything!

_Enter Chandler and Monica with the stroller. _

Monica: Hi! Sorry we're late.

Ross: Joey dropped my fossil!

Rachel: And it was really important to him, so could you just, you know…grieve for a moment?

Monica: Okay.

_Everyone is silent._

Chandler (singing quietly): Them bones, them bones, them dry bones…

Rachel: Chandler! I'm serious.

Chandler: I'm not.

Joey: I'm a dinosaur!

_Everyone looks at Joey. He is holding two fake dinosaur hands and walking in giant steps. Mover enters with a cart of boxes._

Mover: Here y'are Mr. Geller. First load of boxes.

_Mover leaves the cart in the threshold and exits._

Monica: Yes! Okay, let's start unpacking! Finally, something fun to do!

Chandler: Monica, we've got unpacked boxes at our house.

Monica: Yes, but here, I can tell people what to do and how to unpack them!

Chandler: At home, you can tell me!

Monica: Yeah, like I'm going to let you unpack our stuff. Okay, let's go!

_Monica opens a box._

Monica: Silverware! Phoebe, the ones with the little swirls on them go in that drawer (she points) and the plain ones go in _that _drawer (she points to a different drawer).

_Monica gives two bundles of silverware to Phoebe. Phoebe takes them cautiously and moves toward one of the drawers._

Monica: No, no, you have to sort them into forks, knives, and spoons! And then steak knives and butter knives and soup spoons and tablespoons and regular spoons…

_Phoebe drops the silverware on the table. _

Phoebe: I can't do it, I can't it's too hard!

_Phoebe sits next to Ross on the couch and Mike sits next to her. _

Monica: Fine, then, more for me.

_Monica begins to unpack. Chandler moves to the living room and sits cross-legged on the floor._

Phoebe: Hey, Ross, do you have a pregnancy test?

Ross: No!

_Ross reaches into his pocket and pulls one out. He hand sit to Phoebe._

Ross: Here…

Rachel: Ross, why do you have a pregnancy test in your pocket?

Chandler: To be fair, Rachel, he doesn't anymore…he just gave it top Phoebe.

Ross: Because…it's a symbol of my children. That I keep in my pocket, to…remind me of them. I have a lot of symbols in my pocket.

Rachel: Okay. Show us.

_Ross pulls out a handful of things from his pocket and holds them out on his palm to show everybody._

Ross: This ball of lint is perfectly round, and it represents how my life is like a circle. And this penny represents how I am very good with saving my money. This…crumpled up tissue represents that I'm good at helping others who are sick. And this is a strand of your hair, Rachel, to remind me how lucky I am to be with you.

Rachel: That's a piece of string, Ross.

Ross: Right, to resemble how you screamed when I tried to pull out a strand of your hair.

_Phoebe enters from the bathroom._

Phoebe: I'm not pregnant.

Mike: Oh, come here, sweetie, we'll try again.

_Mike and Phoebe hug. Everyone is quiet._

Monica: Towels! Ooh, Ross, let me organize them!

_Credits appear on screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Phoebe is leaving Ross's new apartment with Mike._

Phoebe: Hang on, I forgot my jacket.

_Phoebe reenters Ross's new apartment. Joey is in the corner, wearing a model dinosaur skull over his head. _

Phoebe: You better take that off before Ross sees.

Joey: But I'm a Tribbianus Rex!

Phoebe: Joey, come here.

Joey: It's stuck!

_Phoebe walks across the room, reaching out her arms._

Joey: Don't! No, it'll hurt!

Phoebe: Come _here_!

Joey: No, no…

_Phoebe yanks it off._

Joey: Ow!!!

**END OF SHOW**


	3. The One With The Styrofoam

_Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe are sitting on the couch in Central Perk. Ross is sitting in the armchair and Joey is sitting in the seat at the end table. Chandler is holding Jack and the others are watching him._

Phoebe: He is so cute!

Chandler: I know, isn't he?

_Monica enters with Erica. Chandler looks back and forth from Jack to Erica._

Chandler: There are two of them?

_Theme song plays. Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's house. It is littered with some empty and some full boxes. Monica is throwing an empty box onto the floor and Chandler is digging through a full box. The twins are in a rolling bassinet in the corner. Monica throws her hands in the air._

Monica: Can you believe we haven't unpacked all this stuff yet?

Chandler: I know, I thought you were going to have everything unpacked and organized before I got into the house when we moved here.

Monica: You were just going to make me do all this work?

Chandler: You- you called it work, not fun. Who are you and what have you done with my wife?

_Monica rolls her eyes._

Monica: It's just that being a new mother- yay!- is hard, and I don't have that much time to do this.

Chandler: Honey, you're an excellent mother…and an obsessive cleaner upper. You can do both.

Monica: I know!

_Monica continues to unpack._

Monica: Are Ross and Rachel coming over?

Chandler: No, they're busy at their wedding.

Monica: Chandler, don't joke about that! I don't care how much history they have, they aren't anywhere near getting married and if you talk about things like that, Rachel will freak out.

Chandler: Rachel won't freak out. _I _am the one with the fear of commitment.

Monica: Good thing I married you before you backed out. Really, are they coming or not?

Chandler: They're all coming- Mr. and Mrs. Geller, Mr. and Mrs. Hannigan, and Mr.- well, you know, Joey.

Monica: Really, don't mention any of that while Ross and Rachel are here.

Chandler: Fine. But I get to play in the Styrofoam peanuts!

_Chandler grabs a box full of packing peanuts._

Monica: Only in the backyard!

_Chandler exits with the box and bassinet._

Monica: Jack and Erica are going to think he's their little brother.

_Doorbell rings. Monica answers the door. Enter Phoebe, Mike, Rachel, Ross, and Joey. _

Monica: Hi!

Rachel: You're _still _not unpacked by now?

Joey: Rachel, Monica is a mother now.

Monica: Thank-you.

Joey: And she's completely changed her belief system. She doesn't care about us anymore!

Monica: Joey! Of course I care about you guys.

Joey: Yeah, okay.

Mike: Yeah, I don't really know you that well…

Phoebe: Mike, she cares about you, too.

Joey: Where's Chandler?

Monica: He's in the back yard.

Rachel: That's so great, you just moved in here and he's already getting a head start on the yard work.

Monica: Sure.

Joey: Hey, have you unpacked your TV yet?

Monica: Joey! You're supposed to be helping to unpack!

Joey: Okay, but you know how clumsy I am, I just might break-

Monica: In the living room!

Joey: Awesome!

_Joey exits._

Phoebe: So, are you going to do that thing where you just, just like FREAK OUT when we mess something up?

Monica: I don't do that.

Phoebe: Really?

_Phoebe takes a spoon from a box and sets it on the floor._

Phoebe: Doesn't that look nice?

Monica: Phoebe…spoons don't go on the _floor_. Silly, spoons go in the _kitchen_.

Phoebe: No, I think it looks nice there.

Monica: Well, Phoebe, it's just…see…Oh, PUT IT IN THE KITCHEN!!!

Phoebe: Okay, okay.

_Phoebe takes the spoon and exits. _

Joey (from the other room): Hey! The Yankees are playing!

Mike: Cool.

_Mike and Ross exit._

Monica: Is anybody going to help me unpack?

Rachel: I will.

Monica: Are you sure you don't want to watch the Yankees?

Rachel: No, I don't follow baseball.

Monica: But what about that cute guy who wears the cap?

Rachel: Monica, they all wear caps. Why don't you want me to help you?

Monica: It's just that I think it would go faster if I didn't have to tell you what to do.

Rachel: Then don't tell me what to do. I know where your stuff goes, I lived with you for five years.

Monica: But you don't know where Chandler's stuff goes!

Rachel: Chandler doesn't have stuff. Seriously, why don't you want me to help?

Monica: Because- don't take this the wrong way, but…you're really bad at unpacking.

Rachel: What? How could you even say that? I've never even unpacked before!

Monica: Well, that's just it. You've never unpacked before. You don't know how to iron out all this packing paper, or how to flatten the boxes, or even which room is which!

Rachel: So? You tell me where to put everything, and I put it there! I don't need to know all that stuff, I just need you breathing down my neck and hissing instructions at me!

Monica: Hey, I don't do that!

Rachel: Oh, really? "Don't drop that! That doesn't go there! You have to alphabetize them!"

Monica: You want to see me breathing down your neck?

_Monica runs behind Rachel and starts gasping. Rachel runs toward the living room, and Monica follows her, still breathing down her neck. Scene follows them to living room, where Mike, Ross, Phoebe, and Joey are watching TV._

Ross: What are you doing?

Rachel: Monica's breathing down my ne-heck!

Monica: Rachel's being a meanie!

Mike: Did you just say "meanie"?

Monica: Well, she's being one!

Rachel: You know what? I think I will watch the game.

Monica: Good! I'll just unpack by myself. Somebody has to do it.

_Scene ends and opens in the same room. Monica has joined the others on the couch._

Ross: What about the boxes?

Monica: Eh. They can wait.

_Enter Chandler with a bassinet. _

Chandler: Why aren't you unpacking?

Monica: We're watching the Yankees game.

Chandler: Alright, where did you guys hide the real Monica?

Monica: Look, the pitcher for the Yankees doesn't want to pitch!

Ross: Looks like he's saying he doesn't want to use a leather ball or a wood bat. He says it's killing the environment.

Phoebe: They make baseballs out of cows?

Ross: No, of course not Phoebe. When said leather, I meant… not leather.

Monica: Hey, the batter's getting really annoyed at him.

_They all watch the TV._

Chandler: Well, look at that. He hit a no pitcher!

_Monica looks into the bassinet._

Monica: Chandler, where's Jack?

Chandler: He's right there, next to (looks into the bassinet)…Erica.

Monica: You _lost_ our _son_?

Chandler: No, I didn't lose _him_…I lost our game of hide-and-seek!

Monica: Chandler, where is he?!

Chandler: He must have gotten lost in the packing peanuts!

Monica: Then go find him!

_Scene ends and opens with Monica and Chandler running into their backyard. A box is overturned and Styrofoam packing peanuts are spilling out of it. _

Monica: He fell over!

_Chandler begins digging through the box looking for Jack._

Chandler: Come on! Jack! Come out!

Monica: Heeeere, Jacky Jacky Jacky! Heeeeere Jacky Jacky Jacky!

Chandler: He's not a dog!

_Enter Phoebe, Ross, Joey, Rachel, and Mike._

Phoebe: Hey, what are you guys doing?

Monica: We're looking for Jack!

Phoebe: Well, he's probably in the bassinet with Erica!

Chandler: You know, I never would have thought to check in the place where he was supposed to be.

Mike: Hey, isn't that him?

_Mike points to the edge of the yard. Jack is lying in the grass on his back._

Monica: Jack!

_Monica runs to Jack and picks him up. Chandler walks over to Monica and Jack. _

Monica: Oh, Jack, I'm never going to lose you again!

Chandler: No, no we're not.

_Chandler and Monica kiss. _

Joey: You know, the other one is still in there alone.

_Joey indicates the house. Credits appear on the screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's bedroom. Monica and Chandler are in their bed. They hear the television turn on._

Monica: What was that?

Chandler: I think somebody turned on the TV…

_Chandler exits the room and the scene follows him to the living room. Joey is sitting on the couch, watching the TV._

Chandler: What are you doing here? It's three in the morning.

Joey: My TV was broken. Do you have any beer?

**END OF SHOW**

A/N: I know this was a bit short, but I had to rush to get it posted this week. I couldn't type for a few days because of technical difficulties. (And by technical difficulties, I mean that I was banned from the computer.) Also, I'd like to point out that this does not follow the storyline of _Joey_, the _Friends _spin-off. 


	4. The One With The Refrigerator

_Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's living room. Joey, Chandler, and Monica are sitting on the couch. Jack and Erica are in the rolling bassinet next to them. Ross and Rachel are sitting in an armchair. Mike and Phoebe are sitting in the loveseat. _

Monica: I love that we can still hang out like this!

Rachel: I know, it's so great. I thought I wouldn't be able to see you guys once you moved.

Phoebe: Yeah, I would have missed Chandler's annoying jokes.

Mike: I wouldn't have.

_All look at him._

Mike: What? I hang out with you guys all the time. I'm not allowed to have an opinion?

_Theme song and title sequence plays. Scene opens at Central Perk. Ross and Rachel are sitting on the couch, drinking coffee. Gunther walks up to them._

Gunther: So you guys are back together again?

Rachel: Yes.

_Gunther nods and then cringes as he turns and walks away._

Ross: You know, I've been thinking…about us.

Rachel: And?

Ross: I think…I mean, I don't want to jeopardize our relationship, but I think it would be better if… you don't have to, I just thought, you know, it might be nice if…if it's not too soon, we could-

Rachel: Spit it out, Ross!

Ross: Will you move in with me?

Rachel: Oh my god…

Ross: I know, we've only technically been dating for a few weeks, but with the history-

Rachel: Yes! Yes, Ross, I want to move in with you.

Ross: You do?

Rachel: Of course! Oh, I love you.

_They kiss. A muffin hits them. Ross and Rachel look up. Gunther is standing at the counter, looking suspicious. Scene ends and opens in Chandler and Monica's kitchen. Monica is looking through the refrigerator and Chandler is looking in the pantry._

Chandler: When was the last time you went grocery shopping?

Monica: I don't know…a month?

Chandler: And Joey's been here every night?

Monica: He can't have come over every night, or we wouldn't have this ketchup.

_Monica holds up a bottle of ketchup._

Chandler: So we have no food other than the ketchup?

Monica: I think there's some cinnamon in the pantry.

Chandler: No, Joey ate that because he thought it was powdered root beer.

Monica: Well if we have no food, then let's just go and raid _his_ fridge.

Chandler: But that's an hour away.

Monica: It's an hour's worth of revenge!

Chandler: Why don't we just go out to eat?

Monica: Because I'm a chef. It's insulting for me to eat food prepared by someone else.

Chandler: Since when?

Monica: Since just now when I had to think up an argument against you!

_Chandler kisses Monica._

Monica: You're just trying to distract me.

Chandler: You're right. That's the only reason I have for kissing my wife.

Monica: Why don't you want to go to Joey's?

Chandler: Because…you can't go in his fridge.

Monica: Why not?

Chandler: Because I used to use it.

Monica: So?

Chandler: I don't want you to see what's in there.

Monica: Why? What's in there?

Chandler: I can't tell you.

Monica: You're not going to tell me?

Chandler: Nope.

Monica: Fine then. I'll just call Joey.

_Monica picks up the phone and begins to dial._

Chandler: No! Wait, Monica…it's…There are dead puppies in that fridge!

Monica: Sweetie, what are you trying to cover up that's worse than dead puppies?

Chandler: Uh…a jar of Janice's fingernails!

Monica: You mean the long, red ones that she would TAP, TAP, TAP-

Chandler: Okay, it's not Janice's fingernails!

Monica: You don't say.

_Scene ends and opens at Phoebe and Mike's apartment. Phoebe and Mike are sitting on the couch watching TV._

Phoebe: You know how we've been trying to have a baby?

Mike: We have?

Phoebe: Well, I was just thinking, maybe we should go to the fertility clinic, to see if we can have children.

Mike: Phoebe, we've only been trying for three weeks.

Phoebe: Yeah, but it doesn't take three weeks to make a baby. And, if we want to adopt, it's better if we start early.

Mike: No, there really isn't a reason to.

Phoebe: But…you didn't have any kids in your first marriage.

Mike: That's because my wife didn't want kids. Remember how depressed she was? Whenever I mentioned babies, she started sobbing.

Phoebe: Yeah, well- I just _really _want children.

Mike: Tell you what. If, in a year, you still aren't pregnant, we'll go get the fertility tests done.

Phoebe: Okay.

_Scene ends and opens at Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch, Ross is sitting in the armchair, and Rachel is standing behind him with her hands on the back of the chair. _

Rachel: We've got big news.

Chandler: Does it involve supermodels or hamburgers?

Rachel: No.

Chandler: Okay, we don't need to get Joey.

Rachel: Ross and I are moving in together.

Chandler: You're moving out of Joey's apartment?

Rachel: Yes.

Chandler: Yeah, I still don't think we need to get him.

Monica: Rachel, this is great!

Rachel: I know!

Monica: Chandler, don't we have some boxes that she can use?

Chandler: But she's just moving across the hall.

Monica: Yes, but it would be _nice_ to give them to her.

_Monica gives Chandler a look._

Chandler: But then she would have the hassle of getting rid of them, like we- Oh…Yeah, Rachel, we have some boxes you can use.

Monica: I'll go get them!

_Monica and Chandler exit._

Ross: You know, now you'll have lived with everybody but Chandler.

Rachel: Wow. This is…amazing. I mean, ten years ago, I was in a chapel, about to get married, and now…I'm dating the guy who had a crush on me in high school, living in an apartment in the city, surrounded by friends…I feel like I'm right back where I was in high school. Only…better. This is…life-changing.

_A pause._

Ross: I'm gonna go get a muffin.

_Ross stands up and heads toward the counter. Scene ends and opens in Joey's apartment. Joey is answering the door. Monica and Chandler enter with piles of folded boxes._

Monica: Hey, Joey. These are for Rachel.

_Monica places the boxes on the counter. Chandler dumps his pile on the floor._

Joey: Chandler, look what you did! You made a huge mess all over the floor. Now I have to pick it up!

_Chandler and Joey laugh and high-five. _

Joey: You want some soda?

Monica: Sure.

_Joey opens the refrigerator and chuckles._

Monica: Okay, what is in there?

Joey: Janice's fingernails!

Chandler: It's too late for that.

Monica: Fine! If you guys won't tell me, then I'll just see for myself.

_Chandler jumps in front of the refrigerator._

Chandler: No! You can't!

Monica: Why not?

Chandler: Because it's your birthday present!

Monica: Why do you need to keep it in the refrigerator?

Joey: Because it's an ice sculpture! Carved out of ice!

_Monica walks toward the refrigerator._

Monica: Alright, I'm getting to the bottom of this.

Joey: It's actually at the back-

Chandler: Joey!

_Enter Rachel and Ross._

Rachel: What are you guys doing?

Monica: I'm trying to see what Chandler put in Joey's refrigerator.

Rachel: It's a jar of Janice's fingernails.

Chandler: That isn't going to work, Rachel, but I'm glad you're so dedicated.

Rachel: What? I thought there were Janice's fingernails! Okay, whose jar of nails is in there?

Joey: Oh, yeah, I keep my toenails in there so they don't smell.

Rachel: Ew!

Chandler: See, Monica, that's why I don't want you to see the inside of Joey's refrigerator.

Monica: Fine. I'll just go and help Rachel start packing.

_Monica begins to walk away. Chandler and Joey heave a sigh of relief and walk away from the refrigerator._

Monica: Aha!

_Monica runs to the refrigerator and opens it. _

Monica: Milk, beer, Joey's toenails, and- Oh my god!

_Monica steps back from the refrigerator and turns to Chandler._

Monica: You keep a picture of Yasmine Bleeth in your refrigerator?!

Chandler: Yes, yes, but I never use this refrigerator anymore! I haven't looked at that picture in five years!

Monica: Really? You haven't been using Joey's refrigerator because you don't want to look at that picture?

Chandler: Well, I want to- But I'd much rather be looking at you, dear.

Monica: Okay.

_Chandler and Monica hug._

Chandler: So, you're not mad?

Monica: I'm mad. It's just that I _really _don't want to miss an opportunity to pack stuff.

_Monica picks up the boxes on the floor and the boxes on the counter and walks towards Rachel's room._

Monica: Come on, Rachel. We'll start with your room.

Rachel: That's the only place where I have stuff.

Monica: Then we'll end in your room, too!

Rachel: Monica, can you start without me? I kind of want to go over and clear out my space in Ross's apartment.

Ross: Oh, honey, you can share my space.

Joey: Wait, Rache- you're moving?

Rachel: Yeah- Ross and I are moving in together.

Joey: You're leaving?

Rachel: Joey, I'll be right across the hall.

Joey (looking like he's about to cry): I know. Yeah, it's okay. I'm fine. You can move…just…leave me all alone!

_Joey cries and hugs Rachel._

Rachel: Oh, Joey, you won't be alone. I'll see you every day.

Joey: Why does everybody want to move away from me?

Rachel: Everybody doesn't want to move away from you!

Joey: Yes they are! Alright, from now on, no more moving! Everybody just stays where they are!

Chandler: Do you mean where we're standing? Because I have to use the bathroom…

Joey: You can go.

_Chandler exits to Joey's bathroom._

Joey: I just don't want to be alone.

Monica: Joey, Chandler and I moved an hour away from you, and we still see you every day. Rachel's just moving across the hall. Remember, she used to live there and you still saw her every day.

Joey: It's not about just seeing her, it's about…saying goodnight, and watching movies and stuff.

Rachel: Oh, Joey, we can still do all that. You can come over every night to say goodnight if you want to.

Joey: Really?

Rachel: Of course, Joey.

Joey: Thanks.

_Joey and Rachel hug._

Monica: When you're done consoling Joey, you have to come pack your things.

_Scene ends and opens in Ross's apartment. Rachel is carrying a box into the living room. Ross is standing in front of her._

Rachel: Okay…this is the last box.

_Rachel sets it down on the ground._

Ross: Welcome to your new home.

Rachel: Actually, this was my home before, so…I'm sort of coming back to it.

Ross: Alright then, welcome back.

_They kiss._

Rachel: Oh my god, we're _living _together.

Ross: I know.

_Enter Joey. Joey runs to the living room._

Joey: Goodnight, Rachel!

Rachel: Goodnight, Joey.

_Joey exits. Scene ends and opens at Phoebe and Mike's apartment. Phoebe is coming through the door. Mike is standing in the kitchen holding a cookie sheet with cookies on it and wearing an apron._

Mike: Hi! I made cookies!

Phoebe: Oh, Mike, you didn't have to do that!

_Phoebe takes a bite of a cookie._

Phoebe: Oh, but you _so _did! These are amazing!

Mike: Yeah, it's my grandmother's recipe. I'm gonna go shower.

_Mike exits. Phoebe sits leans on the counter and takes another bite of the cookie. A confused expression crosses her face. _

Phoebe: Hm.

_Phoebe pulls a pill out of her mouth and examines it. Her eyes widen. Credits appear on the screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's kitchen. It is dark. Chandler is opening the refrigerator._

Chandler: Monica! You put a picture of George Clooney in the refrigerator?!

**END OF SHOW**


	5. The One With The Cookies

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are on the couch. Rachel and Ross are sharing the armchair. Joey is sitting in the chair at the end table with a basket of cookies._

Joey: Hey, thanks for these cookies, Phoebe.

Phoebe: What? Oh, yeah…you're welcome.

Monica: Phoebe, what's wrong?

Phoebe: Mike's been sneaking birth-control pills into my food! I found one in a cookie last night!

_Joey nervously puts the cookie he has in his hand back into the basket and pushes the basket away from him. Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's living room. Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Rachel hugs Phoebe._

Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, he's probably just scared.

Phoebe: But why couldn't he at least talk to me about it?

Rachel: Maybe he's afraid you'll leave him.

Phoebe: And I'm not going to leave him because he's been sneaking drugs into my food?

Rachel: Medical drugs, though, isn't that better than if he'd been serving you anything funny?

Phoebe: How can a lying husband be funny?

Rachel: Never mind.

_Enter Monica with a mug._

Monica: Here's some tea, Phoebe.

Phoebe: Did Mike make it?

Monica: No, Chandler did.

Phoebe: Oh.

_Phoebe takes the mug, but then sets it on the coffee table and pushes it away._

Monica: Hey, if you're going to insult my husband's tea-making abilities, at least use a coaster!

_Enter Joey._

Joey: Phoebe, you should go talk to Mike about this.

Phoebe: I know, but I'm _scared_. What if he leaves me?

Rachel: Phoebe, this guy has been slipping medicine into your food. You have to talk to him!

Phoebe: Yeah…

Joey: I'll help you.

Phoebe: You will?

Joey: Yeah! I'll confront him with you. I care about you, Pheebs. I don't want to see you get hurt.

Phoebe: Thanks, Joey.

_Phoebe and Joey hug._

Joey: Hey, do you think there are any normal cookies in that batch?

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Ross is in the armchair. Rachel is holding Emma._

Emma: Dada!

Rachel: Say "mama"! Say "mama"! I can't believe this! She talks so much now, and yet she _still _hasn't said "mama"!

Ross: Well, Rache, that's because you care so much about her that she never had to say "mama" to get your attention.

Rachel (sarcastically): Oh, okay, then, I'll just stop caring. Oh, wait a minute, that's illegal!

Ross: She'll say it soon.

Rachel (tearing up): It's just…I work so hard…and I love her so much…and now…she …..I have to pee.

_Rachel hands Emma to Ross and exits to the restroom. _

Chandler: Can I hold her?

Ross: Sure.

_Ross hands Emma to Chandler._

Chandler: Hi, Emma! I'm your Uncle Chandler!

Emma: Unca!

Ross: Alright, now I see what Rachel was talking about.

Chandler: Did you just say "uncle"?

Emma: Unca!

Chandler: Oh…

Emma: Mama!

_A pause._

Chandler: Well that's not right.

_Another pause._

Chandler: I don't want to hold her anymore…

_Ross takes Emma. Monica and Chandler exit. Rachel reenters._

Emma: Mama!

Rachel: Oh my god! She…she just said "mama"! She did! Ross, she just said "mama"!

Ross: I know!

Rachel: Oh, I didn't miss it!

Ross: I know!

Rachel: Oh…I did, didn't I?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Did she say it to you?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: She said it to Monica?

Ross: Why don't you believe me?

Rachel: I'm sorry, honey, you're just a really bad liar. My baby called Monica "mama"?

Ross: No, it was Chandler.

Rachel: Actually, that was pretty good. I almost believed you.

Ross: It's the truth.

Rachel: What? Really?

Ross: Yeah.

_Rachel begins to laugh._

Rachel: I'm _mad_…It's just so funny! I mean… Emma said "mama" to _Chandler_?

Ross: Yeah!

_Scene ends and opens in Phoebe's apartment building, a hallway. Joey and Phoebe are walking. Joey stops and turns to Phoebe._

Joey: Do you have a plan for what you're going to say to him?

Phoebe: Well, I'm going to tell him what I found in the cookie and then I'm going to ask him why he put it there.

Joey: Do you have a plan for whatever he says next?

Phoebe: Well, if he says that he doesn't want children, I'll try to convince him to want them, and if he says he's just been lying to me the whole time and it's all a scam, then you beat him up.

Joey: But do you have a plan for his answer to that?

Phoebe: Why do I need a plan for everything?

Joey: Because you have to plan to plan a plan when you're planning to use a plan!

Phoebe: Well, what if I plan to not use a plan?

_A pause._

Joey: Come on. There's a man uncertain about children in need of confrontation.

Phoebe: What?

Joey: Just sounds like something a smart guy would say.

Phoebe: Oh.

_Phoebe and Joey continue walking. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's foyer. Chandler and Monica are standing there. The doorbell rings. Monica answers the door. Rachel and Ross enter. Ross is holding Emma._

Rachel: You made Emma say "mama"?

Chandler: No. She said "llama". Because she was drooling.

Monica: Like a llama.

Rachel: Chandler, she said "mama". Why did she say it to you instead of me?

Chandler: I don't know.

_Rachel gasps._

Rachel: You made her say it, didn't you?

Chandler: No, I didn't! Why would I do that?

Rachel: Because you're jealous!

Chandler: Jealous? I've got two kids of my own!

_Monica gives him a look._

Chandler: I've got two kids that I'm allowed to play with with Monica's supervision!

Rachel: So you think you're better than me because you have more kids!

Chandler: No, I don't!

Rachel: Admit it!

Chandler: No, Crazy Lady!

Rachel: Baby Moment Stealer!

Chandler: Psycho Mother!

Rachel: Triple Nipple!

_Chandler gasps._

Chandler: I had the third one removed!

Monica: Guys, this is silly! Emma loves Rachel much more than her uncle! It was just a matter of chance!

Rachel: Oh, and Chandler just _happened _to ask to hold Emma? He knew she was about to say it!

Chandler: That's insane!

Rachel: What if I hold Jack, and he says "dada" to me before he says it to you?

Chandler: Well then he'd be calling you "dada"! You think I like that your baby thought I was the woman who gave birth to her?

Rachel: Oh, I bet you loved it! Stealing such a wonderful moment from me!

Emma: Mama!

Rachel: What did she just say?

Ross: I think she said "mama"…to you.

Rachel: Ohh… Oh, you did, didn't you? You said "mama" to me?

Emma: Mama!

Rachel: Oh…

Monica: Awww…

_Monica leans into Chandler and he puts his arm around her. Rachel and Ross kiss._

Emma: Dada. Mama.

Rachel: Oh…

_Scene ends and opens in Phoebe and Mike's apartment. Phoebe and Joey enter. Mike is standing in the middle of the room._

Phoebe: Mike…we need to talk to you.

Joey: Yeah, we've got a plan!

Phoebe: Joey, we're not going with the plan.

Joey: Well, then we're just gonna think of stuff to say!

Phoebe: Yeah.

Mike: Phoebe, what is this about?

Phoebe: Mike… have you been putting birth-control pills in my food?

Joey: Have you?

Phoebe: I found one in one of the cookies you gave me last night.

Joey: In the cookies!

Phoebe: Joey!

Mike: Phoebe…I'm so sorry. I _do _want kids, I'm just…freaking out. Don't leave me.

Phoebe: I won't leave you.

Mike: I'll never lie to you again.

Phoebe: Okay.

Mike: I want kids, though, and I can't believe I got in the way of that.

Phoebe: Mike, I forgive you. I love you.

Mike: I love you, too.

_Mike and Phoebe kiss._

Joey: So, could you make some more of those cookies?

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are on the couch. Rachel and Ross are sharing the armchair. Rachel is holding Emma. Joey is sitting in the chair at the end table. _

Phoebe: So, Mike was just really freaking out. But I talked to him. He's okay now. He isn't going to lie to me again.

Chandler: But what if that was a lie?

Joey: What if everything he says is a lie? What if, when he admitted to lying, he was lying, which means that he _didn't _lie to you but then he lied and said he wouldn't lie again!

_A pause._

Chandler: So we've established that he's a liar.

Phoebe: Guys, stop. You're going to make me all paranoid. He promised that he would never lie, and I believe him. I trust him.

Joey: Hey, what if _Phoebe's _a liar?

Phoebe: Joey!

Chandler: So I'm a mom!

Phoebe: What?

Joey: Hey, your fortune cookie came true!

Rachel: Chandler got a fortune cookie that said he would become a mother?

Joey: Well, it said "Changes will occur soon."

Rachel: And you took that to mean he would become a mother?

Joey: No, actually. I took it to mean that he would die. This is much better!

Phoebe: Really, what is he talking about?

Ross: Emma called him "mama".

Joey: Oh. See, that was my fortune cookie.

Phoebe: Where did you get these fortune cookies?

Joey: Somewhere where they didn't put pills in the cookies!

Phoebe: Hey! Mike was freaking out, you can't joke about that!

Joey: I can joke about whatever I want!

Emma: Mama!

Joey: Aww…

Phoebe: She's so cute!

Rachel: Mama's here, Emma, Mama's here.

_Credits appear on screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Rachel and Ross are sharing an armchair. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Monica is holding Emma._

Monica: Say "auntie". Say "auntie", Emma.

Emma: Unca!

Monica: Fine. She wants to be with her uncle more than her auntie. Auntie. Auntie!

_Monica sighs and hands Emma to Chandler._

Chandler: Hey, Emma.

Emma: Auntie!

_Chandler sighs._

**END OF SHOW.**


	6. The One With Othello, The Moor Of Venice

_Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's house, in the living room. Monica is sitting on the couch with the twins. Enter Chandler from the front door._

Chandler: I'm home! And I brought McDonald's!

Monica: Yum!

Chandler: Only I ate it all on the way home…so now it's kind of just trash.

Monica: That's okay, too!

_Theme song and title sequence plays. Scene opens in Central Perk. Joey and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting in the armchair. _

Joey: Hey, Ross… couldst _thou _passeth thy muffins?

Rachel: What?

Joey: Oh, it's this play I'm trying out for, _Othello_, but it's one of those Shakespeare plays…you know, by William Shakespeare. You ever heard of him?

Ross: His name sounds familiar…

Joey: Anyway, it's written like "thou art" and "Methinks thee dost" and stuff like that. It's really hard to understand.

Ross: Well, Joey, that's how they spoke in the 1600s.

Joey: Really? They weren't like "Dude, we're in the sixteenth century".

Ross: They really weren't.

Joey: Well, I really want this part, but I have no idea what they're saying. Can you help me?

Ross: Actually, I have to go pick up Ben from school.

Rachel: I'll help.

Joey: Really?

Rachel: Sure. I read _Romeo and Juliet _in high school,and it wasn't that hard. I can help you with this.

Joey: Thanks, Rache. Ever since Estelle died, I've been having a lot of trouble getting any jobs.

Rachel: Joey, you star on a soap opera.

Joey: Oh yeah…I meant other than that.

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is sitting on the couch, watching TV. Enter Phoebe._

Phoebe: Hi!

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: Where's Rachel?

Ross: Across the hall, teaching Joey how to read _Othello_.

Phoebe: Oh, the Shakespeare play?

Ross: No, the game instructions. Yeah, he's auditioning for the part of Iago.

Phoebe: Yeah, I didn't go to high school, so I never read any of those plays. That's why I'm reading them now.

Ross: Really? Which ones have you read?

Phoebe: Actually, I'm reading _Othello _right now. The other one I read was _A Midsummer Night's Dream_. I just liked it 'cause, you know, it was nice to have this big happy ending where everybody gets married and the fairies are singing and stuff.

Ross: Well, you know, _Othello _is a tragedy.

Phoebe: Doesn't seem very tragic to me.

_Phoebe takes a book (_Othello_) and opens it. She gasps._

Phoebe: Drown blind puppies?!

Ross: See?

Phoebe: This is a horrible book!

_Phoebe throws the book across the room. _

Ross: No, it isn't, though. Phoebe, it's a wonderful story, it's just sad.

Phoebe: Well, I promised myself I would finish every book I ever started.

Ross: How about I help you get through it?

Phoebe: Yeah…_or_, this isn't technically a book! It's a play!

Ross: _Phoebe._

Phoebe: Fine. You better help me, though.

Ross: I will. But _you _have to promise to finish it.

Phoebe: I promise. But, um, nobody dies, right?

Ross: Well…this was written about four hundred years ago, so they're all dead now.

Phoebe: Oh, okay.

_Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's house, in hallway outside of Monica and Chandler's bedroom, near the front door. Chandler is standing in the hall. Enter Joey._

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hi.

Joey: Where's Monica?

Chandler: She's talking on the phone.

_Chandler gestures to the bedroom._

Monica (from bedroom): Richard?

_Chandler hurriedly presses his ear against the door, followed by Joey. Scene cuts to Judy Geller, talking on the phone._

Judy: Yes. He had a heart attack last night. The funeral is next week.

_Scene cuts to Monica, sitting in her bed and talking on the phone._

Monica: Oh my god…

_Scene cuts to Judy on the phone._

Judy: His family was wondering if you could send flowers.

Monica (from phone): Sure.

_Scene cuts to Chandler and Joey in the hallway._

Monica (from bedroom): I can't tell Chandler about this.

_Chandler's eyes widen. Scene cuts to Judy on the phone._

Judy: Now, I know this is a shock, but I kind of have to go off topic.

Monica (from phone): What?

Judy: Your father told me that you thought we cared more about your brother than we did you. Monica, I had no idea you felt that way! I love you two equally.

_Scene cuts to Chandler and Joey in the hall._

Monica (from bedroom): I love you, too.

_Scene cuts to Judy on the phone._

Judy: More than your father?

_Scene cuts to Chandler and Joey in the hall._

Monica (from bedroom): More than him.

_Chandler gapes. Scene cuts to Monica, on her bed._

Judy (from phone): I have to go. Bye!

Monica: Yeah.

_Monica sets down the phone._

Monica: Bye, Richard.

_Scene returns to Chandler and Joey in the hall. They step away from the door._

Chandler: Oh my god!

Joey: I know! Who do you think she was on the phone with?

_Chandler widens his eyes and raises his eyebrows._

Chandler: Joey, she still loves Richard! More than me!

Joey: This is awful! Hey, maybe it's because you cried when the volleyball floated away.

Chandler: This has nothing to do with Wilson!

_Scene ends and opens in Joey's apartment. Rachel is holding a script and standing behind the counter. Joey is standing in the middle of the floor, also holding a script._

Rachel: Alright, so Brabantio says, "Thou art a villain," which means "You are a villain."

Joey: Am I?

Rachel: What?

Joey: Is my character a villain?

Rachel: Wha- yes! Yes, it says so in the beginning, when it lists the characters. It says that Iago is a villain.

Joey: So this Brabantio guy knows?

Rachel: Knows what?

Joey: That I'm the bad guy who makes everybody die?

Rachel: No!

Joey: But he just said-

Rachel: Look, it doesn't matter, just read the script.

Joey: Okay. "You are- a senator."

Rachel: "This thou shalt answer. I know thee, Roderigo." "Sir, I will answer anything-"

Joey: Wait, wait, wait. So now, is he talking to himself?

Rachel: No.

Joey: Then why are you the only one talking?

Rachel: Joey, do you _see _a third person?

Joey: No, but it's confusing! I don't even know what you're saying, and you're two different people…

Rachel: Joey, just read your lines.

Joey: Okay…

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe is sitting on the couch, looking through a book (_Othello_)_. _Ross is sitting next to her._

Ross: So, Phoebe, who's your favorite character?

Phoebe: Roderigo. He's just so sweet. He lives, right?

Ross: Sure.

_Enter Chandler, distraught._

Chandler: Monica's cheating on me!

Phoebe: What?

Chandler: I heard her talking to Richard on the phone.

Phoebe: Oh, I hate those things. They didn't have them in my other lives.

Ross: Chandler, how do you know she wasn't just talking to him?

Chandler: Because she said she didn't want to tell me and she loved him more than me!

Phoebe: Oh my god.

Ross: That's awful.

Phoebe: Hey! It's just like in _Othello_.

Chandler: Exactly! It is! My _life _is a Shakespeare tragedy!

Phoebe: Well, it's not really like _Othello _unless _everybody dies_!

Ross: Phoebe, not everybody dies.

Phoebe: Well, Chandler would die, Monica would die, Rachel would die…

Ross: Wait, who's Rachel?

Phoebe: The villain, Iago's wife.

Ross: _I'm _the villain?

Chandler: Hello? Can we concentrate on my problem? Monica is definitely going behind my back and…being in love!

_Enter Rachel._

Rachel: Ugh. I don't even want to _hear _another word about _Othello_.

_Rachel walks to the refrigerator and takes out a jug of juice. She takes a sip._

Phoebe: Chandler is the Moor of Venice!

_Rachel rolls her eyes._

Chandler: Monica is cheating on me.

_Rachel spits out all the juice, and it sprays on Chandler._

Chandler: And now I'm sopping wet.

_Scene ends and opens on Monica and Chandler's driveway. Judy Geller's car is parked in the driveway. Judy is standing in the driveway next to Monica. Monica is holding a bouquet of roses._

Monica: Are recycled flowers okay for the funeral? Chandler gave me these a couple of weeks okay. I didn't feel like buying new ones.

Judy: Oh, of course honey. And I'm sorry.

Monica: I know. I guess I just didn't expect this. It was a big surprise.

Judy: It always is.

Monica: It's times like these that make you think of the good things in life.

Judy: I'm a grandmother of four!

_Monica and Judy hug. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Phoebe are sitting at the table. Enter Monica._

Monica: I have to talk to you.

Rachel: Oh, we already know.

Monica: You do?

Phoebe: Yes, Monica, how could you?

Monica: What? I didn't kill him! He just died!

Rachel: Chandler's dead?!

Monica: What? No! Richard!

Phoebe: Richard?

Rachel: Wait, if he died, then how long have you been cheating with him?

Monica: I was never cheating with him.

Rachel: But the phone call! And you…and you said…oh…

Monica: I never cheated on Chandler. I love him.

Phoebe: Hey! Now Richard is just like Cassio in the play! 'Cause, Othello thought that Desdemona was cheating with Cassio, but she wasn't.

Monica: Didn't Othello and Desdemona also die?

Phoebe: Yeah- oh! You have to go see Chandler! And, if he puts a pillow over your face, kick him! Kick him hard and run away!

Monica: I have to go!

_Exit Monica._

Rachel: I've gotta go rehearse with Joey. Bye.

_Exit Rachel. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's kitchen. Chandler is pacing back and forth, staring at an empty vase on the counter. Enter Monica._

Monica: Hi, sweetie!

Chandler: Hello.

Monica: Chandler, I have to tell you something.

Chandler: Where are the roses I gave you last week?

Monica: Listen-

Chandler: The roses!

Monica: Chandler, I-

Chandler: The roses!

Monica: I didn't-

Chandler: The roses!

_Scene cuts to Joey's apartment. Rachel is standing near the window, reading from a script. Joey is standing across the room, also holding a script._

Joey: The handkerchief!

Rachel: I pray, talk me of Cassio.

Joey: The handkerchief!

Rachel: A man that all his time hath founded his good fortunes on your love, shared dangers with you-

Joey: The handkerchief!

_Scene returns to Monica and Chandler._

Monica: I'm not cheating on you!

Chandler: But you were talking to Richard on the phone!

Monica: I was talking to my mom!

Chandler: But you said Richard's name!

Monica: Because my mom told me that he died.

Chandler: You…you still want to stay with me?

Monica: Of course! I love you, Chandler, I should have told you about it.

Chandler: You never cheated on me?

Monica: Never!

Chandler: You're an honest wife?

Monica: Yes!

_A pause. Chandler kisses Monica. Credits appear on screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Ross is sitting at the table. Enter Phoebe._

Phoebe: Okay, I finished _Othello_.

Ross: And?

Phoebe: It was such a bummer! Like, _everybody _died!

Ross: Well, that's a tragedy.

Phoebe: Yeah, well, I think I need a happier play now. I think I'm going to read _Romeo and Juliet_, you know? Nice, happy romance.

Ross: Um…Phoebe?

Phoebe: What?

Ross: You can borrow my copy.

**END OF SHOW**

_A/N: I apologize to everyone who liked Richard. I just had to do this storyline. Tell you what. Next episode, I'll throw in a pony just for you! R.I.P., Richard Burke. _


	7. The One With The Pony

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Joey is sitting in the chair at the end table. Rachel and Ross are sharing the armchair. Chandler and Monica are holding Jack and Erica. Emma is in a stroller behind the armchair. Rachel is watching Monica and Chandler play with Jack and Erica._

Rachel: Ohhh…I want one.

Ross: You _have _one.

_Ross pulls the stroller around._

Rachel (defensively): I know that.

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Central Perk. Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch. A woman approaches the couch._

Woman: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Oh, Marge! I haven't seen you in forever!

_Phoebe stands up. Phoebe and Marge hug._

Phoebe: Where have you been?

Marge: Oh, you know, took a three-month vacation to Jamaica. It was amazing.

Phoebe: Oh?

Marge: Yeah, it's great to be back in the city, though. We should get together sometime.

Phoebe: Yeah, we should.

Marge: Well, see you around.

_Exit Marge._

Phoebe: See you around, liar.

_Phoebe sits._

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: She told me that she couldn't come to my wedding because her mother died!

Rachel: Maybe she was telling the truth.

Phoebe: She was in _Jamaica_.

Rachel: Maybe her mother's funeral was in Jamaica.

Phoebe: Whose side are you on?

_Scene ends and opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Phoebe is sitting in an armchair. Ross and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Enter Joey._

Joey: Guess what? I was just listening to the radio-

Phoebe (singing "We Built This City"): _Listen to the radio…_

Ross: Pheebs!

Phoebe: Sorry.

Rachel: Joey, why were you listening to the radio? The last time you did was when your TV was broken. I didn't think you _ever _listened to the radio while you could be watching TV.

Phoebe (Singing "Video Killed The Radio Star"): _Video killed the radio star…_

Rachel: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Okay, okay.

Joey: So I won a contest!

Ross: That's great Joey, what'd you win?

Joey: Guess!

Rachel: Um, a-

Joey: A pony!

Rachel: What?

Joey: It's for your birthday, Rache!

Rachel: Oh…

Ross: Joey, it's a great gift, but-

Rachel: Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you, thank-you!

_Rachel stands up and hugs Joey._

Rachel: Oh, I've always wanted another pony, ever since Moonpie died!

Joey: I knew you'd love it!

Rachel: Where is it? Is it in the hall?

_Rachel runs to the door._

Joey: No, they keep it on this farm until you can bring it home to your stable.

Ross: But Joey, Rachel doesn't have a-

Rachel: OH MY GOD!!! Joey, thank-you _so _much!

_Rachel hugs Joey._

Joey: You're welcome so much! Hey, do you want to go now?

Rachel: Sure!

_Rachel and Joey exit. A pause._

Phoebe (Singing the "My Little Pony" theme song): _My little pony, my little pony…_

_Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's living room. Monica is sitting on the couch, crying, holding Jack and Erica. Enter Chandler._

Chandler: Hi, honey. What's wrong?

Monica: Jack and Erica don't love me!

Chandler: What? Of course they do!

Monica: They don't love me because I'm not their real mother!

Chandler: Yes you are, Monica. You're not their birthmother, but you _are _their mother. They don't remember their birthmother.

Monica: But what am I supposed to tell them? I mean, should I wait until they're sixteen, or raise them knowing it, or never tell them? Chandler, what do I do?

Chandler: Monica, we will know the right thing to do when we need to.

Monica: Oh, that doesn't help me! And, Chandler, I was just thinking about Richard.

Chandler: Monica-

Monica: No, I mean, if I had married him, I would be a widow right now! A thirty-four year old widow!

Chandler: But you didn't. You married me, and I'm alive and happy.

Monica: No…

_Chandler puts his fingers to his wrist as if checking his pulse._

Chandler: Well, I _thought _I was alive.

Monica: But what if, if I had married Richard, he would be alive now? What if I'm the reason he's gone?

Chandler: Monica, don't say that. He's gone, and it's nobody's fault.

_Chandler hugs Monica. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on the couch._

Chandler: Monica's depressed.

Phoebe: Why?

Chandler: I think it's the whole thing with Richard and the twins…

Phoebe: What- Jack and Erica are Richard's?!

Chandler: No, no, Richard _and _the twins.

Phoebe: Oh, okay. Well, you should cheer her up. Make her feel better.

Chandler: Yeah, but how do I do that?

Phoebe: When was she happiest?

Chandler: Our wedding.

Phoebe: Well, you should propose to her again.

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: Sure, lots of people do it. My friend- I mean, my _ex_-friend Marge and her husband Bill had a second wedding.

Chandler: I don't know about asking Monica to marry me again. What if she says no?

Phoebe: She won't.

Chandler: But what if she does?

_Phoebe looks out the window. Marge is waving to her. Phoebe stands up._

Phoebe: There's a window in the ladies' restroom, right?

Chandler: How should I know?

Phoebe: Is there?

Chandler: Yeah…

Phoebe: Tell her I went to Jamaica. But say it in a really sarcastic, mocking-

Chandler: She's coming.

Phoebe: Bye!

_Phoebe hides behind the wall near the restrooms. Enter Marge._

Marge: Where did Phoebe go?

Chandler: Um…the Bahamas.

_Phoebe grimaces. Chandler stands up and heads for the door._

Chandler: I've got to go propose to my wife, and then my friend wants me to drive her out to see her pony.

_Chandler stops._

Chandler: That's a weird sentence.

_Chandler exits. Scene ends and opens in a stable. Rachel and Joey are standing in front of a horse._

Joey: Happy birthday!

Rachel: Oh, I love him. Maybe I'll name him "Joey".

Joey: After who?

_Rachel stares at Joey._

Rachel: Nobody, I just like that name.

Joey: Oh. Hey, maybe you could name him Mr. Ed!

Rachel: But he's not a talking horse.

Joey: What does that have to do with anything?

_Enter Ross._

Ross: Joey, you're actually giving her a pony?

Joey: Yeah! It's the perfect birthday present!

Ross: Yeah, it is, Joe…Rache, can I talk to you for a minute?

Rachel: Sure.

_Ross takes Rachel into a corner of the stable._

Ross: You aren't really going to accept this, are you?

Rachel: Of course I am! I love my pony.

Ross: But you don't have a place to keep him.

Rachel: Well, maybe we'll move into a big house.

Ross: What?

Rachel: You know, for my baby. And Emma.

Ross: I'm serious, Rachel, you can't keep a pony as a pet unless you live on a farm.

Rachel: Well…what if I name him Charles Darwin?

_Ross looks at the pony, as if contemplating this. Ross shakes his head and looks away._

Ross: No! Look, it's too much a responsibility for anyone living in the city.

Rachel: I told you, we could move out of the city.

Ross: I guess it's your decision, but I really think you should give him away.

_Ross exits. Rachel turns to the pony._

Rachel: I'll never give you away, Joey.

Joey: Thanks.

_Scene ends and opens in Chandler and Monica's living room. Monica is sitting on the couch, holding Jack and Erica. Enter Chandler._

Chandler: Honey, I noticed that you've been a little weepy lately.

Monica: I know. I'm sorry. I just…

_Monica starts crying. Chandler sits down and hugs Monica._

Chandler: I have a way of cheering you up, I think.

Monica: Chandler-

Chandler: Really. I love you, Monica.

_Chandler kneels on one knee and holds out a box with a ring in it._

Chandler: Will you marry me…again?

_A pause._

Monica: Oh my god…Chandler…Chandler, this is amazing, but…do you remember the very first time you proposed to me?

Chandler: You mean when we got in a fight and I tried to apologize to you?

Monica: Do you remember what I said?

Chandler: You said that being sorry wasn't the best reason to get married.

Monica: Well, being sad isn't the best reason to get married _again_.

Chandler: But…we're not starting a _marriage_. I want to give you the best wedding ever because I love you and I don't want to see you cry.

Monica: Wait, like…a big wedding?

Chandler: Sure.

Monica: With lots of people and lilies and lacy tablecloths?

Chandler: Sure.

Monica: Oh my god!

_Monica hugs and kisses Chandler._

Monica: Yes! I'll marry you again! I love you, Chandler.

Chandler: I love you, too.

_Chandler puts the ring on Monica's finger._

Monica: Are we going to get new wedding rings, too?

Chandler: Of course!

Monica: Oh, I have to go call Rachel!

_Monica exits and gives Chandler the twins. A pause._

Chandler: In twenty years, you better not be asking me why you didn't go to college, because this is why.

_Scene ends and opens in Joey's apartment. Joey is standing beside the door with a tack and a calendar, trying to hang the calendar on the wall. Chandler and Monica are standing behind him. Joey stands back and studies the wall, then tacks the calendar up and stands back. The calendar is crooked, slanting about 50 degrees to the left. Joey shrugs and turns away. Enter Rachel._

Rachel: Hi, Joey!

Joey: Hey, Rache. How's the pony?

Rachel: Actually, Joey, it's a _great _present, and I love it, but I don't think I can accept it.

Joey: But it's your birthday present!

Rachel: I know, but I just can't take care of a pony.

Joey: Then what am I supposed to do with it?

Rachel: You could give it to someone else!

Joey: Who?

Rachel: I don't know…Christmas is right around the corner!

Joey: What corner?

_Chandler points to the bottom corner of the crooked calendar. _

Chandler: That one!

Joey: Yeah, I guess I can give it back to the radio station.

Chandler: Are you kidding? A pony would never fit in the studio!

Rachel: Chandler, could you please quit it with the jokes? I know, you're all excited because you and Monica are getting married again-

Monica: Yeah we are!

Rachel: -But Joey and I are trying to have a serious conversation about what we should do with Sparkle Pumpkin!

Chandler: Fine, then. Monica and I are going to go find a church.

Monica: Yeah we are!

_Monica and Chandler exit._

Joey: Hey, does that calendar look a tiny bit slanted to you?

_Joey points to the crooked calendar. Credits appear on the screen. _

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Phoebe and Monica are sitting on the couch. Phoebe is examining Monica's left hand._

Phoebe: Wow, it's beautiful! It's so much prettier than your first engagement ring.

Monica: Really? Because that _is _my first engagement ring.

_Monica shows Phoebe her right hand._

Monica: I put the new one on my other hand.

Phoebe: Oh. This one's pretty, too!

_Monica rolls her eyes._

**END OF SHOW**


	8. Rerun: The One With Ross's Fossil

A/N: I'm sorry, but I'm not finished with The One With The Second Wedding. I promise that I'll post in in a week, and it will be finished and amazing and great. I'm really sorry I couldn't post it today. Here's a rerun, though. 

_Scene opens at Central Perk. Rachel and Ross are sharing a chair. Joey is sitting in the chair at the end table. Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Monica and Chandler are holding the twins._

Monica (in baby voice): Who's a pretty baby girl? Who's a pretty baby girl?

Chandler: That would be Erica, the one _I'm_ holding.

Phoebe: Oh, they're so cute! I want one.

_Enter Mike._

Mike: Hey!

Joey: Hi, Mike!

Monica, Chandler, Rachel, and Ross: Hi, Mike!

_Phoebe stands and hurries toward Mike._

Mike: Pheebs, I-

Phoebe: No time. We're going back to the apartment.

Mike: But-

Phoebe: We have to make a baby!

Mike (confusedly): Okay…

_Phoebe drags Mike out of the door. Theme song plays. Scene opens at Ross's apartment. Movers are taking the couch through the door. Ross and Rachel are standing near the movers._

Ross (to mover): So, how much is it going to cost?

Mover: Couple hundred dollars.

Ross: But I'm just moving across the street!

Mover: Yeah, but all these dinosaur knickknacks are gonna weigh us down. I suggest you get rid of them.

Ross: Get rid of them?!

Mover: The price isn't going to change.

Ross: Well, can I have some of your boxes to pack them and bring them over myself?

Mover: Sorry, but it's going to take us a while to get all this furniture downstairs.

Ross: Fine. I guess I'll just…get rid of them.

_Ross moves toward the window. Rachel slips the mover money._

Rachel (whispering): Thanks.

Rachel: This is great! Now we'll be right across the hall from each other!

Ross: I know! And I'll be the new hostess!

Rachel: Host.

Ross: Right.

Joey (faintly): Ross! Rachel!

Rachel: Is that Joey?

_They move to look out the window. Joey is on the balcony of Monica and Chandler's old apartment. _

Joey: This is so cool!

Ross: What are you talking about?

Joey: If you're moving there, we can talk across the street like this!

Ross: Joey, I've been living here for the past six years.

Joey: What are you talking about? Aren't you just moving in today?

Ross: No!

Joey: But what about all those movers?

Ross: They're moving me out!

Joey: Where are you moving?

Ross: There!

Joey: So you'll be across the hall?

Ross: Yes!

Joey: Can we still shout?

Ross: Fine!

Joey: Cool. Hey, throw me something!

Ross: We're not going to-

_Rachel throws a model dinosaur bone out the window._

Ross: Rachel! That was-

Joey: I caught it!

Ross: A brilliant idea!

_Scene ends and opens at Phoebe and Mike's apartment. Mike is walking out of their bedroom in a bathrobe and Phoebe follows, also in a bathrobe._

Phoebe: But I want a baby!

Mike: We've probably already made one now! Why don't you go take a pregnancy test?

Phoebe: But what if I'm not pregnant?

Mike: Then we'll try again later, but we promised Ross we'd help him move!

Phoebe: But wouldn't he be happier if we made another person to help with moving?

Mike: Phoebe, let's go.

Phoebe: Fine. But _I'm _going in my robe.

Mike: Get dressed. You can't go in your robe.

Phoebe: Then I'm not going at all.

Mike: Phoebe!

_Scene ends and opens at Monica and Chandler's house. The twins are lying on the floor and Monica is leaning over them with some nail polish._

Monica: And…there.

_She strokes the nail brush across one of the babies' toenails._

Monica: All done!

_Enter Chandler._

Chandler: Honey, I'm home!

Monica: Chandler, Chandler, look!

_Monica gestures to the twins._

Monica: Now we can tell them apart! I painted Jack's toenails blue and Erica's toenails pink!

Chandler: No…you painted Jack's toenails pink and Erica's toenails blue.

Monica: Augh! Why can't I ever get it right? How do you tell them apart?

Chandler: I guess I just know them. I mean, Jack looks like me, and Erica looks like you.

Monica: Will you quit with the lookalike stuff? They're adopted!

Chandler: Shhh! They can hear us, Monica!

Monica: _Sigh. _I guess you're just a better parent than I am.

Chandler: Sweetie, we're both equally good parents.

_Chandler hugs Monica. _

Chandler: 'Course, I might be a tiny bit better.

Monica: Chandler!

_Scene ends and opens in Ross's nearly empty apartment. Rachel and Ross are standing by the window. Joey is across the street on the balcony._

Ross: Alright, steady now, Rachel, swing it like this.

_Ross tosses a model dinosaur egg out the window and it falls to the ground and shatters._

Rachel: Okay, if you want me to do that.

Ross: Rachel!

_Rachel throws a model dinosaur bone to Joey and he catches it and adds it to a pile. Ross picks up a large fossil and carries it to the window sill._

Ross: Okay, this is the last one, and it's real, so it's very important. It _cannot _be dropped. I just have to-

_He prepares to throw it and Rachel grabs it from him._

Ross: What are you doing?

Rachel: Saving your fossil.

Ross: I could have thrown it.

Rachel: Please, you're worse than Chandler.

_Rachel backs up and swings the fossil out the window and toward Joey. He spreads is arms out wide and catches it as it collides with his chest._

Ross: You okay, Joe?

Joey: Think…so…wind…knocked…out…oh…kay…

_Joey turns to put the fossil in his pile and he trips. The fossil slips out of his hands and falls over the edge of the balcony._

Ross: Noooooo!

Rachel: Where did it land? Where did it land?

Joey: Don't…know…can't…see…

Rachel: Oh, I think it broke!

Ross: No! It didn't break! It can't have broken! Joey caught it! Remember, Remember, Rache, Joey caught it? It didn't drop, it didn't drop, IT DIDN'T DROP!!!

Rachel: Ross, I- I think it dropped.

Ross: No it didn't. It's over there at my new apartment.

Joey: Ross! I think your fossil went to fossil heaven!

Ross: BUT IT WAS ALREADY DEAD!!!

Rachel: Ross, I'm really sorry. It's gone.

Ross: No!

Rachel: Ross, come on, let's go.

Ross: Go? Go where? Where are we going?

Rachel: To your new apartment, sweetie. Come on.

_Rachel begins to lead him toward the door._

Ross (bending his neck around and straining against Rachel's grip): JOEY! WHY DID YOU DROP IT?! WHY?!

_Scene ends and opens at Mike and Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe is sitting on the couch looking stubborn (in her bathrobe) and Mike is standing in front of her, fully dressed._

Mike: Baby, just put on some clothes and then we'll head over to Ross's.

Phoebe: I want to go in my bathrobe!

Mike: You can't go out in public wearing a robe.

Phoebe: Joey does!

Mike: Joey is Joey.

Phoebe: Yeah, you have a point.

Mike: So will you just get dressed?

Phoebe: No.

Mike: Come on!

Phoebe: You know, this is what you'll have to put up with when you're a father.

Mike: Then maybe I don't want to be a father!

Phoebe: What? You- you don't want to be a father?

Mike: No, of course I do. I- I want to be a father right now.

_Mike picks up Phoebe, kisses her, and carries her off to the bedroom. Scene ends and opens at Monica and Chandler's house. Monica is entering the living room holding the twins._

Monica: Jack right, Erica left, Jack right, Erica left, Jack right, Erica left.

_Monica sits on the couch, balancing Jack on her right knee and Erica on her left knee with her right hand behind Jack and her left hand behind Erica. She begins bouncing her knees._

Monica: Bouncy, bouncy babies! Bouncy, bouncy-

_Monica grabs Jack's hand and examines the palm._

Monica: Oh my god!

_Enter Chandler from upstairs._

Chandler: Hey, they're up from their nap!

Monica: Yes, they are!

_Monica stands up, holding each twin's left hand carefully. She walks toward Chandler._

Monica (shifting Erica toward Chandler): Jack, do you want to give Daddy a high-five?

Chandler: Oh, hi Jack, give Daddy a high-five.

Monica: I'll hold his hand up for you.

_Monica holds up Erica's left hand. Chandler sees it and his eyes widen._

Chandler: Ha ha, silly Mommy, that's Erica!

Monica: Then why were you calling her Jack?

Chandler: Because…because…because I couldn't see her hand, okay? Yes! I put a blue dot in Sharpie on Jack's hand! That's how I tell them apart!

Monica: Ha! See, I _am _the better parent! You drew on our son! I just mistook him for his sister!

Chandler: Right…marker is _much _worse than thinking he's a girl.

Monica: Oh, shut up! Come on, we told Ross we'd help him move in.

Chandler: I'll get the stroller.

Monica: Put Jack on top!

Chandler: Monica, now that you know my secret, we can share it and just pretend to other people that we know our two children apart!

Monica: Okay!

_Chandler and Monica high-five each other. Scene ends and opens at Ross's new apartment. Ross is sitting on his couch, the only thing in the room other than a table in the kitchen and the small pile of dinosaur artifacts. Rachel is standing behind him with her hand on his shoulder. Joey is toying with the pile of dinosaur artifacts. _

Rachel: Ross, honey, I'm sorry, but your fossil is gone.

Ross: It was so young! Just sixty five million forty years old!

Rachel: I'm sorry.

Joey: Hey, look!

_Joey holds a faux dinosaur jaw to his chin and makes it move up and down._

Joey: Rawr!

_Enter Mike and Phoebe, looking disheveled. _

Rachel: Where have you been?

Mike: Oh, you know. Traffic.

Rachel: Right…so in nine months when a baby pops out of Phoebe, you're going to blame it on _traffic_.

Phoebe: How did you know?

Rachel: Because I know everything!

Phoebe: I bet you don't know what we found in the parking lot!

Rachel: The shattered remains of a dinosaur fossil?

Phoebe: You do know everything!

_Enter Chandler and Monica with the stroller. _

Monica: Hi! Sorry we're late.

Ross: Joey dropped my fossil!

Rachel: And it was really important to him, so could you just, you know…grieve for a moment?

Monica: Okay.

_Everyone is silent._

Chandler (singing quietly): Them bones, them bones, them dry bones…

Rachel: Chandler! I'm serious.

Chandler: I'm not.

Joey: I'm a dinosaur!

_Everyone looks at Joey. He is holding two fake dinosaur hands and walking in giant steps. Mover enters with a cart of boxes._

Mover: Here y'are Mr. Geller. First load of boxes.

_Mover leaves the cart in the threshold and exits._

Monica: Yes! Okay, let's start unpacking! Finally, something fun to do!

Chandler: Monica, we've got unpacked boxes at our house.

Monica: Yes, but here, I can tell people what to do and how to unpack them!

Chandler: At home, you can tell me!

Monica: Yeah, like I'm going to let you unpack our stuff. Okay, let's go!

_Monica opens a box._

Monica: Silverware! Phoebe, the ones with the little swirls on them go in that drawer (she points) and the plain ones go in _that _drawer (she points to a different drawer).

_Monica gives two bundles of silverware to Phoebe. Phoebe takes them cautiously and moves toward one of the drawers._

Monica: No, no, you have to sort them into forks, knives, and spoons! And then steak knives and butter knives and soup spoons and tablespoons and regular spoons…

_Phoebe drops the silverware on the table. _

Phoebe: I can't do it, I can't it's too hard!

_Phoebe sits next to Ross on the couch and Mike sits next to her. _

Monica: Fine, then, more for me.

_Monica begins to unpack. Chandler moves to the living room and sits cross-legged on the floor._

Phoebe: Hey, Ross, do you have a pregnancy test?

Ross: No!

_Ross reaches into his pocket and pulls one out. He hand sit to Phoebe._

Ross: Here…

Rachel: Ross, why do you have a pregnancy test in your pocket?

Chandler: To be fair, Rachel, he doesn't anymore…he just gave it top Phoebe.

Ross: Because…it's a symbol of my children. That I keep in my pocket, to…remind me of them. I have a lot of symbols in my pocket.

Rachel: Okay. Show us.

_Ross pulls out a handful of things from his pocket and holds them out on his palm to show everybody._

Ross: This ball of lint is perfectly round, and it represents how my life is like a circle. And this penny represents how I am very good with saving my money. This…crumpled up tissue represents that I'm good at helping others who are sick. And this is a strand of your hair, Rachel, to remind me how lucky I am to be with you.

Rachel: That's a piece of string, Ross.

Ross: Right, to resemble how you screamed when I tried to pull out a strand of your hair.

_Phoebe enters from the bathroom._

Phoebe: I'm not pregnant.

Mike: Oh, come here, sweetie, we'll try again.

_Mike and Phoebe hug. Everyone is quiet._

Monica: Towels! Ooh, Ross, let me organize them!

_Credits appear on screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Phoebe is leaving Ross's new apartment with Mike._

Phoebe: Hang on, I forgot my jacket.

_Phoebe reenters Ross's new apartment. Joey is in the corner, wearing a model dinosaur skull over his head. _

Phoebe: You better take that off before Ross sees.

Joey: But I'm a Tribbianus Rex!

Phoebe: Joey, come here.

Joey: It's stuck!

_Phoebe walks across the room, reaching out her arms._

Joey: Don't! No, it'll hurt!

Phoebe: Come _here_!

Joey: No, no…

_Phoebe yanks it off._

Joey: Ow!!!

**END OF SHOW**


	9. The One With The Second Wedding

_Scene opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Monica is holding up a wedding dress. Rachel is standing beside her, looking at it._

Rachel: I can't believe you bought another wedding dress.

Monica: Well, I just rented it. I wanted the full experience, you know? Finding the right dress, trying it on.

Rachel: And Chandler didn't want to go in your attic.

Monica: Not since the squirrel got in.

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Central Perk. Chandler, Rachel, and Monica are sitting on the couch. Phoebe is sitting on the floor, Ross is sitting in the armchair, and Joey is sitting in the chair at the end table._

Phoebe: This is so exciting! Monica, it's the most important day of your life.

Chandler: No it isn't. She's already been-

Monica: I'm getting married today!

Chandler: You're getting _re_married.

Rachel: Chandler, stop bumming her out. It's her wedding day.

Chandler: No, it's not!

Ross: Come on, Chandler, we're almost late for your bachelor party.

Chandler: You guys don't have to throw me a-

Joey: But there's a stripper!

Chandler: Joey, I'm happily married.

Joey: No, I meant for me.

Rachel: Hey, if you guys are throwing Chandler a bachelor party, maybe we should throw Monica a bachelorette party.

Monica: Look, you know I don't like it when you throw parties for me-

Phoebe: You could plan it!

Monica: Okay!

_Scene ends and opens in Joey's apartment. The place is decorated with streamers and a table full of food. Various people are there. Monica, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, Rachel, and Ross are all standing in front of the table._

Rachel: Why did we combine the bachelor and bachelorette parties?

Phoebe: We only had one cake.

Rachel: Oh.

Chandler: Monica, we better leave, we have to get ready for the wedding.

Monica: Yes! It's my wedding day!

_Phoebe offers a cucumber slice to Ross._

Phoebe: Ross, do you want the last cucumber?

Ross: No thanks.

_Ross takes a mini-hotdog from the table and eats it in one bite._

Phoebe: I bet you couldn't last a week without eating any meat.

Rachel: It's Monica's wedding day, guys, don't bet.

Ross: What do I get if I do, which I can?

Phoebe: I'll give you a thousand dollars.

Ross: You might as well give me the thousand dollars now.

Phoebe: Yeah, well…you too!

Joey: Phoebe, is there anything else you would be willing to bet?

_Monica, Chandler, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe stare at him._

Joey: 'Cause I _know _I can't go a whole week without meat.

_Scene ends and opens in Chandler and Monica's garage. It is decorated for the wedding. Chandler and Monica are standing in the middle of the garage._

Monica: Is the altar up yet?

Chandler: Ross and Joey are setting it up right now.

Ross (from outside): Bring it down, Joey! Down!

_A pause._

Ross: Your _other _down.

_Enter Phoebe._

Phoebe: Hey, where are Ross and Rachel?

Chandler: Well, they recently started dating again, so I don't think they really want to move things too fast, but-

Monica: Chandler! No jokes! This is my wedding day.

Chandler: No, it's not!

_Chandler exits._

Monica: Ross is setting up the altar and Rachel is picking up the bridesmaid dresses.

Phoebe: Isn't that the maid of honor's job?

Monica: Yeah.

Phoebe: Then why didn't you send me out to get them?

Monica: Because…because she's the maid of honor, okay?

Phoebe: What?! She was the maid of honor at your first wedding! I called the second wedding!

Monica: You thought I was going to have a second wedding?

Phoebe: Well, I figured it was kind of a Geller thing.

_Scene ends and opens in Monica's Porsche. Rachel is driving. The wedding dress (in a bag) is in the backseat. Rachel's cell phone rings. Rachel answers it._

Rachel: Hello?

_Scene cuts to Monica, talking on the phone._

Monica: Rachel, where are you?

Rachel (from phone): I'm only a few miles away from your house. I'll be there in ten minutes, I promise.

Monica: I'm supposed to be walking down the aisle _now_.

_Scene returns to Rachel in the car._

Rachel: Can't Joey stall? You know, do one of his acting routines?

Monica (from phone): Have you seen any of the plays he's been in?

Rachel: Monica, calm down. I'm pulling into your neighborhood right now. Bye!

_Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's garage. Monica is standing by a table with a mirror on it. Enter Ross._

Monica: Is everything ready? Except, of course, me.

Ross: Yeah, Chandler and Joey are up at the altar, everyone's in their seats, Phoebe's going to push Erica down the aisle in her stroller, I know you wanted her to be the flower girl, and Jack is the ring bearer, Mom is pushing him, Rachel's coming down the street, and can you sneak me a piece of steak? I really want some.

Monica: Good, good, good, good, good, and no! If you want meat, you can go out there and give Phoebe the thousand dollars. I'm not sneaking you any steak.

_Enter Rachel with the dress._

Rachel: I'm here!

Ross: Hi, honey.

Rachel: Hi.

_Rachel and Ross kiss._

Ross: Okay, I've got to go stand next to Chandler.

Rachel: Bye, honey.

_Rachel and Ross kiss._

Monica: Quit snogging and get out there!

Ross: Okay, bye.

_Exit Ross._

Rachel: Jeez, Monica, this is a wedding. It's supposed to be all romantic and…stuff.

_Scene ends and opens at the altar outside. Chandler is standing next to Ross._

Chandler: You think this is a good idea, right?

Ross: Definitely. You are working that tux…I've had too much to drink.

Chandler: No, I mean remarrying Monica. Is it just stupid?

Ross: No! No, of course not. You love each other so much that you want to marry each other all over again.

Chandler: Yeah, but, at first that wasn't why I was doing this. I proposed to Monica again so she would be happy after being so depressed.

Ross: Wait- you gave her a _wedding_ to cheer her up?

Chandler: Yeah.

Ross: Oh my god, Chandler, when Rachel's upset, all I do is give her a foot-rub! You are the best husband ever! Monica better not let you go, what with this, and the body…

Chandler: How _much _did you drink?

Ross: Too much!

_Scene ends and opens in Chandler and Monica's garage. Monica and Rachel are standing in the middle of the garage. Rachel is holding a wedding dress in a bag._

Monica: Hurry, Rachel, give me the dress, people are waiting.

_Rachel gives the dress to Monica. Monica goes behind a room divider and begins to change._

Rachel: You seem really stressed out, Mon.

Monica: Yeah, it's the wedding stuff.

Rachel: I thought you were all excited about the wedding.

Monica: It's actually really stressful.

_Monica comes out from behind the room divider in the wedding dress._

Rachel: You look beautiful.

Monica: Can you do the zipper?

Rachel: Sure.

_Rachel gets behind Monica and begins to zip up the dress._

Monica: I've been thinking about just calling the whole thing off.

_Rachel pulls the zipper too fast._

Monica: Ow!

Rachel: You can't call off your second wedding!

_Monica turns to face Rachel._

Monica: Why not?

Rachel: That's almost as bad as calling off your first wedding!

Monica: How would you know?

Rachel: Look, Mon, you love weddings. Why are you so worried?

Monica: I told you, Rachel, I'm _really _stressed about this!

Rachel: Trust me, when you go out there and see Chandler, smiling and waiting for you to go marry him again, you'll forget about all that stress.

Monica: Really?

Rachel: Yes.

Monica: Why didn't the first wedding feel like this?

Rachel: Well, I was talking to Ross, and he says that the first wedding is mostly just magical, and you just forget about all the work. But then the second one is harder, and the third one is just a pain…

_A pause._

Rachel: So, are you ready to go out there?

Monica: I think so.

Rachel: Okay!

_Rachel exits. Scene ends and opens outside of Monica and Chandler's house. A wedding marquis is set up. Two sections of white wedding chairs are set up. In each section there are four rows of ten chairs. All but the first row of each section are filled with extras. The first row on the left section, from the left, is: Three men (Chandler's cousins) and their dates Ms. Bing, her date, Mr. Bing, his date. The first row of the right section, from the left, is: Jack Geller, Judy Geller, Phoebe, Mike, Two women (Monica's cousins) and their dates, a man (Monica's cousin) and his date. Chandler is standing at the altar with Ross and Joey, beaming. The procession begins. A wedding march is played. Monica and procession reaches the altar. Monica stands next to Chandler. _

Joey: Dearly beloved…

_Joey mumbles._

Joey: Monica and Chandler to be married again…

_Joey mumbles._

Chandler (in a whisper): Dude, why aren't you saying anything?

Joey (in a whisper): I forgot what I was supposed to say! (Regular voice) For their second wedding! If they would read their second vows?

Monica: Okay…Chandler, I've been married to you for almost four years. You started a family with me, and we went through a lot of difficult times. I love you, and I'm eager to begin the rest of our lives together.

Chandler: I love you, Monica. Thank-you for marrying me…twice. I want to be with you forever, and I'm glad I could marry you again. I really love you.

Joey: Monica, do you retake Chandler to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health?

Monica: I do…again.

Joey: Same for you, Chandler?

_Chandler stares at Joey in exasperation, then his gaze returns to Monica._

Chandler: I do.

Joey: For the second time, I pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

_Chandler and Monica kiss. Credits appear on the screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens at the reception outside Monica and Chandler's house. Phoebe is standing near a section of chairs. Enter Ross._

Ross: Here, Phoebe.

_Ross hands Phoebe a wad of bills._

Phoebe: Where are you going?

Ross: The butcher's.

_Exit Ross._

**END OF SHOW  
**

A/N: I'm sorry for the wait, and I'm sorry this isn't two-parts or spectacular. This week was pretty rushed, too. However, I promise that from now on I'll get them in on time. It's officially summer vacation, so I don't have any school. PLEASE remember to check out next week's episode, you'll be glad you did. I don't want to give too much away, but there will be a guest appearance...


	10. The One With The Anniversary Dinner

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Chandler is sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting in the armchair. Joey is sitting in the chair at the end table. Enter Monica. Monica sits next to Chandler on the couch. _

Monica: TV shows are so unrealistic these days.

Ross: Why do you say that?

Monica: Well, I was just watching that new show, "Across The Hall", and _all _the characters ever do is sit around in a coffee house and talk!

Chandler: That does sound annoying.

Monica: I know! It's nothing like real life. In real life, people actually have to leave and do more important things.

_Chandler takes a sip of his coffee. _

Joey: Don't you all have to go to work?

_Monica, Rachel, Ross, and Chandler shrug. Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Chandler and Monica's living room. Monica and Chandler are sitting on their couch. Enter Phoebe and Mike._

Phoebe: Hi!

Chandler: Yo!

_Monica, Phoebe, and Mike stare at Chandler._

Chandler: What, can't I pull that off?

Mike: Anyway, it's our anniversary tonight.

Chandler: I'm _so_ sorry, Mike, I forgot, I guess I'll just set up a bed on the couch.

Phoebe (fake laughing): Ha ha ha, right. We're going out to a fancy dinner, and we were wondering if you would like to come and have a sort of second honeymoon, you know, to go along with your second wedding.

Monica: That sounds like fun. What do you think Chandler?

Chandler: I don't know, fancy restaurants are hard for me. Will you show me which fork to use?

Monica: Yes.

Chandler: Okay!

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is standing near the door. Enter Rachel._

Rachel: Hi, honey.

Ross: Hi.

_They kiss._

Rachel: Where's Emma?

Ross: We're playing hide-and-seek.

Rachel (in a whisper): Oh, where is she?

Ross (in a whisper): I really don't know.

Rachel: What?!

Ross (in a whisper): I think I counted for too long.

Rachel: Ross, you lost our child. How long could you have counted?

Ross: It wasn't that much, I was counting by fives.

Rachel: To?

Ross: A thousand. Yeah, it really wasn't so much hide-and-seek as it was multiplication.

_Scene ends and opens in a restaurant. Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Mike are seated at a table. Their food has not come yet, but they each have a glass of wine. Chandler raises his glass._

Chandler: To the happy couples, Mike and Phoebe, and Monica and me.

Monica, Mike, and Phoebe: To the happy couples!

_Monica, Phoebe, and Mike raise their glasses and clink them together. The Maitre D' passes. Mike stops her._

Mike: Excuse me, we're ready to order and our waitress hasn't come yet.

Maitre D': I'll send her right out.

_The Maitre D' exits._

Phoebe: I'm not ready to order.

Mike: I thought you said you wanted the soy turkey club salad?

Phoebe: No, I said I had _started _a soy turkey club. Yeah, we get together and discuss soy turkey.

Mike: Oh. Well, what do you want to order?

Phoebe: Well now the salad sounds good.

_Mike turns._

Mike: I think our waitress is coming.

_Waitress enters._

Waitress: Oh…my…GOD!!!

_Chandler yells in surprise._

Phoebe: Mike, we have to go, we have that thing.

Mike: What thing?

Phoebe: Does it matter?

_Phoebe stands and pulls Mike out of his chair. Mike and Phoebe exit._

Janice (the waitress): Chandler Bing!

Chandler: Janice Litman Goralnik née Hosenstein!

Janice: Actually, it's only Janice Litman Goralnik now.

_Janice shows Chandler her left hand. It has no ring on it._

Monica (whispering to Chandler): Get out! Say I've got a doctor's appointment!

Chandler (whispering to Monica): But you don't!

Monica (whispering to Chandler): I'm going to need one!

Chandler: So, Janice, you're divorced?

Janice: I know, two times, I'm almost as pathetic as your friend Ross.

_Janice laughs._

Janice: Hey! What if you two found me a guy, and then we could double-date!

Chandler: We can't do that…because Monica and I are splitting up!

_Janice laughs._

Janice: You're so funny, I know you two lovebirds could never split up!

_Janice laughs._

Monica: You know, we have the perfect guy for you!

_Scene ends and opens in the hallway outside of Joey's apartment. Chandler, Monica, and Janice are facing Joey's apartment._

Janice: Joey? Really?

Chandler: Oh, yeah, he's been waiting for you to come back for a _long _time.

_Janice laughs._

Janice: Okay.

_Janice opens the door and exits into Joey's apartment. She closes the door._

Monica: Are you sure it's okay to do this to Joey?

Chandler: Yeah. Yeah, it's like a right of passage. A coming of manhood. Plus, now there's a door between us and "eh-he-he-he-he-he".

Joey (from behind the door): AUGHHH!!!!!

_Monica and Chandler try to look through the peephole. Enter Rachel from her apartment._

Rachel: What are you guys doing? Ross and I are trying to find Emma.

_Monica turns._

Monica: Janice and Joey are in there!

_Rachel runs to the peephole and shoves Chandler out of the way so she can look in._

Rachel: Oh my god, he looks like he's dying!

_Enter Ross from his apartment._

Ross: Hey, what's going on?

Rachel: Janice is in Joey's apartment!

Ross: What?

_Ross moves to the peephole and looks in._

Ross: Oh my god!

_Monica and Chandler lean in to look. Scene cuts to Joey and Janice in the room._

Joey: Okay, no offense, but I hate you!

_Janice laughs._

Joey: Arghhh!!! Stop, please!

Janice: Okay, okay. You know, Chandler and Monica are trying to look in through the peephole.

Joey: Yeah?

Janice: You wanna mess with them?

Joey: Yeah!

_Scene returns to Monica, Chandler, Rachel, and Ross in the hallway, looking through the peephole._

Rachel: Hey, what are they doing?

Chandler: I don't know, it's hard to tell when they're upside-down.

Monica: Oh my god, open the door, open the door!

_They open the door to see Janice and Joey standing in the kitchen, kissing._

Chandler: OH MY GOD!!!

_Scene ends and opens in Mike and Phoebe's apartment.__Enter Mike and Phoebe from the front door. _

Mike: So who was that at dinner?

Phoebe: Janice. She and Chandler have this big history.

Mike: And we had to leave because…

Phoebe: Did you not hear her?

Mike: What?

Phoebe (imitating Janice): Hello, Chandler Bing.

Mike: So?

Phoebe: So? It's _really _annoying.

Mike: I didn't hear it.

Phoebe: Fine, even if you don't hear it, can't you feel it poisoning your _soul_?

_A pause._

Mike: No.

Phoebe: Oh, you don't know anything.

_Phoebe exits to her bedroom. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is looking in the cabinet under the sink. Enter Rachel._

Rachel: Please tell me you found Emma.

Ross: I did!

_Rachel walks around the counter._

Rachel: Then what are you looking for?

Ross: The rest of her.

Rachel: What?

_Ross turns and holds up a baby sneaker._

Ross: I found her shoe!

_Ross stands up._

Rachel: Ross, _how _could you have lost our _daughter_?

Ross: Hey, you lose stuff too! What about all those earrings you lose?

Rachel: Oh, yes, of course, that's completely the same thing. Ross, you lost a _person_!

Ross: Well, I don't know where she is!

_Rachel sighs, walks to couch and flops down. A giggle is heard. Rachel turns and moves the couch cushion. Emma is lying behind it. Emma giggles. _

Rachel: Ross?

Ross: I'm sorry, Rachel, I'm sorry I lost Emma. Hey, maybe, maybe she's not lost at all! Maybe we just can't see her! You shouldn't be mad, you should be happy! Our daughter has learned how to be invisible!

Rachel: Ross-

Ross: Let me finish! I'm serious, I think that Emma is invisible, it's amazing-

Emma: Dada!

Ross: Emma! Emma, Emma, you were right here the whole-

_Ross pauses and turns to Rachel._

Ross: You were right here the whole time.

_Rachel chuckles._

Ross: Why did you let me go on like that?

Rachel: It was funny___._

_ Ross frowns. Scene ends_ _and opens in Central Perk. Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch. They look shocked._

Chandler: I can't believe it.

Monica: He _hates _her. You know, hate is a very strong thing. It doesn't just go away.

Chandler: It didn't look like he hated her so much up there!

_A pause._

Chandler: She's a witch!

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: She got me, she got Ross. And now she's got Joey! What is the world coming to?

Monica: Maybe Joey really fell for her.

Chandler: That's crazy talk!

_Enter Joey and Janice. When they see Chandler and Monica on the couch, Joey quickly puts his arm around Janice's shoulders and Janice awkwardly puts her arm around Joey's waist. They walk around to the couch._

Janice: Hi!

_Chandler does not make eye contact._

Monica: What 'cha been up to, Joe?

Joey: Oh, this- this is my girlfriend. _Janice._

Chandler: Really?

Janice: We're in love.

_Joey bites his lip._

Chandler: Really? After dating for a few hours?

Joey: Yeah. We have this real connection.

Janice: We cannot keep our hands off each other.

_Joey and Janice kiss awkwardly and quickly._

Chandler (grinning): So, do you think you might move in together soon?

Joey: Sure.

Monica: Can I be a bridesmaid at your wedding?

Joey: Okay, okay! I can't do it! We aren't dating!

Chandler: Really?

_Joey pushes Janice away._

Joey: I'm sorry, Janice, it's too hard!

Janice: That's okay. You were strong.

_Janice laughs._

_Joey yells and runs out of the door._

Janice: Well, that was fun, but I should go.

Chandler: Well, you probably should.

Janice: Goodbye, Chandler Bing.

_Janice exits. Chandler pretends to shoot himself in the head. Credits appear on the screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens on the street. Mike is walking on the sidewalk. Enter Janice._

Janice: Hey, aren't you Phoebe's husband?

Mike: Yeah.

Janice: She's pretty lucky.

_Janice laughs and exits._

Mike: Oh my god!

**END OF SHOW**


	11. The One With The Talking Computer

_Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's living room. Monica is sitting on the couch holding the twins. Enter Chandler with a bottle of formula._

Chandler: Here.

_Chandler hands the bottle of formula to Monica._

Monica: Hey, do you have a favorite?

Chandler: Yeah.

Monica: What?! Which one?

Chandler: Joey.

Monica: No, I meant of our children.

Chandler: I know.

_Scene ends and opens in Chandler and Monica's living room. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Chandler has his open laptop in his lap. _

Chandler: Hey Monica, listen.

_Chandler types on the keyboard of the laptop._

Laptop: Chandler is cool.

Monica: Honey? When you get your computer to say that, it's not true.

_Monica stands up and exits to the kitchen. There is a knock on the door. Monica reenters and and answers the door. Enter Phoebe._

Phoebe: Hi!

Monica: Hi.

Chandler: Hey, Phoebe, check this out.

_Chandler types on the keyboard of his laptop._

Laptop: Hello, Phoebe.

_Phoebe shrieks._

Phoebe: The robots are revolting!

Monica: Phoebe, Phoebe, calm down. It's just Chandler's stupid computer thing.

Phoebe: Yeah, well, that's what they want you to think.

_Scene ends and opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Ross is sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table. Emma is sitting on a cushion on the floor on the opposite side of the table. On the other two sides are large stuffed animals. A play tea set is spread out on the table. On each side of the table, there is a play cup and saucer. Ross pretends to take a sip._

Ross: Mmm! This is delicious tea, Emma.

_Ross turns towards one of the stuffed animals._

Ross: Would you like some more, Mr. Darwin?

Emma: Dada! That Miss Prada!

Ross: Rachel!

Emma: Tea, Dada! Tea!

_Ross pretends to take a sip. Enter Rachel from her bedroom, putting on an earring._

Rachel: Ross, what are you doing?

Ross: I'm having a tea party with Emma.

_A pause. Rachel shrugs._

Rachel: Okay…

_Rachel walks to the kitchen._

Rachel: …Girly man.

_Ross stands up._

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Hey. Are you going anywhere tonight? I need you to watch Emma.

Ross: No, I don't have plans.

Rachel: Great, I'm going out.

Ross: Okay. Have fun.

_Ross returns to where he was sitting. Rachel exits to the bathroom. Enter Joey from the front door. Ross jumps up._

Ross: Joey! I was-

Joey: Dude. I don't wanna know. Where's Rachel?

Ross: In the bathroom. Why?

Joey: We're going out tonight.

Ross: What?!

Joey (slowly, enunciating): We…are…going…out…to…night.

Ross: You have a _date _with my girlfriend?

Joey: Yeah, pretty much.

_Joey walks to the refrigerator, opens it, and begins rummaging around inside of it._

Ross: So, _you've_ got a datewith _my _girlfriend?

_Joey stands up. A pause._

Joey: Yeah, pretty much.

_Joey exits to the hall._

Ross (under his breath): Oh my god!

_Enter Rachel from the bathroom._

Ross: You're going on a date with Joey?

Rachel (sarcastically): Yes, Ross, Joey is my secret boyfriend. Come on, he invited me to a cast party for _Days Of Our Lives_.

Ross: You're not a cast member of _Days Of Our Lives_.

Rachel: Well, I'm his date.

Ross: So you _are _going on a date with Joey.

Rachel: Well, not…technically. I mean, Chandler and I go out all the time.

Ross: You cannot count the reasons I am not worried about that. But, Rachel, this is _Joey_. You kind of have a history with him. Isn't it hard to be his _date _for anything?

Rachel: No, Ross, we're best friends. And there will be actors at the party.

Ross: I guess you _are _best friends.

Rachel: _Actors_, Ross.

Ross: It's just, I don't like the idea of you and Joey being out together.

Rachel: What, you don't _trust_ me?

Ross: No, I don't trust him.

Rachel: Well, not trusting him is like not trusting me.

Ross: Well, maybe I don't trust you!

Rachel: Well, maybe I don't need your permission!

_A pause._

Rachel: Bye. Love you.

Ross: Love you, too.

_Ross and Rachel kiss. Rachel exits. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's living room. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Chandler's laptop is open in his lap._

Chandler: Hey, where's Mike?

Phoebe: Doing some laundry.

_Chandler takes the phone and dials._

Phoebe: Who are you calling?

Chandler: Oh, _I'm _not calling anyone.

_Scene cuts to Mike in the laundry room in his building. A dryer is open and he has a basket of laundry next to him. Mike's cell phone rings. He answers it. _

Mike: Hello?

_Scene returns to Chandler and Phoebe. Chandler holds the phone to the laptop and types on the laptop's keyboard._

Laptop: Hello, Mike.

Mike (from phone): Who is this?

_Chandler types on the laptop's keyboard._

Laptop: I can see that you are doing some laundry.

_Scene returns to Mike. He turns in a circle, looking around._

Mike: Where are you?

_Scene returns to Chandler and Phoebe. Chandler thinks. Chandler types on the laptop's keyboard. Scene returns to Mike._

Laptop (from phone): We are everywhere.

_Scene returns to Chandler and Phoebe._

Phoebe: Oh, that's good!

Mike (from phone): What do you want from me?

_Phoebe takes the laptop form Chandler and types on the laptop's keyboard._

Laptop: Give your wife a box of chocolates.

_Scene ends and opens in Chandler and Monica's kitchen. Monica is cleaning the stovetop with a sponge and soap. The phone rings. Monica answers it._

Monica: Hello?

_Scene cuts to Ross, sitting on the couch in his apartment._

Ross: You sound all chirpy. What were you just cleaning?

_Scene returns to Monica._

Monica: Nothing.

Ross (from phone): Monica...

Monica: The stove.

_Scene returns to Ross._

Ross: Did you know that Rachel and Joey were going out tonight?

_Scene returns to Monica._

Monica: Yeah, they've been planning it for weeks.

_Scene returns to Ross._

Ross: What?!

Monica (from phone) (slowly, enunciating): Yeah...they...have...been...plan...ning...it...for...weeks.

Ross: I wish people would stop doing that.

_Scene returns to Monica._

Monica: So? What's the big deal?

_Scene returns to Ross._

Ross: They're going out _alone _together? Like on a _date_?

_Scene returns to Monica._

Monica: They're not alone. There are _actors_.

_Scene returns to Ross._

Ross: What is it with women and actors?

Monica (from phone): Okay, you know what I'm going to do?

Ross: What?

_Scene returns to Monica._

Monica: I'm going to get some window cleaner and a rag. _You_ should just trust Rachel.

_Scene returns to Ross._

Ross: Yeah, I guess.

Monica (from phone): Okay, Ross, I really can't talk right now, soap scum is getting all over the stove. Bye!

_Monica hangs up. Ross sets the phone down. Scene ends and opens at a party. Joey is leading Rachel towards a refreshment table. _

Rachel: Joey, I'm kin of tired.

Joey: Yeah, me too. Maybe we should- Ooh! Salami!

_Joey leans toward the refreshment table. Rachel takes out her cell phone and dials. Joey stands up with multiple slices of salami stuffed in his mouth._

Joey: What're you doing?

Rachel: I'm calling Ross.

_Joey swallows._

Joey: Why?

Rachel: I miss him. I want to go home.

_Rachel puts the phone to her ear. _

Rachel: Hello?

_Scene cuts to Ross, sitting on the couch in his apartment. _

Ross: Rachel?

Rachel (from phone): Hi, honey. I'm coming home.

_Ross silently pumps his fist, as in victory, and mouths "Yes!"_

Ross: Why? I thought you were having fun.

_Scene returns to Rachel._

Rachel: Well, yeah, I kind of am, but I miss you. I mean, we just started dating again, and I- Hello? Ross?

Joey: What happened?

_Rachel examines the phone screen._

Rachel: My phone died! We have to go home! Come on, Joey.

_Rachel grabs Joey's arm and tries to drag him away. Joey frantically grabs for more salami. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is sitting on the couch. There is a knock on the door. Ross sighs. There is another knock on the door. Ross stands up and begins walking to the door. There is another knock. _

Ross: I'm coming, I'm coming!

_Ross opens the door. Enter Rachel and Joey._

Ross: Rachel, you have a key.

Rachel (defensively): I know that.

Ross: Why did you hang up on me?

Rachel: I didn't, my phone died. I had to come home. Ross, I love you, I don't like going to parties without you.

Ross: I don't, either.

_Ross and Rachel kiss._

Joey: You two are so _needy_. Seriously, you can't spend an hour away from each other?

Rachel: Alright, goodnight Joey.

_Rachel begins to close the door._

Joey: Wait, don't leave me!

_Credits appear on the screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Chandler and Monica's living room. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. The phone rings. Phoebe answers it._

Phoebe: Hello?

Mike (from phone) (robotically): Hello, Phoebe.

**END OF SHOW**

**A/N: As you may have noticed, all the characters have cell phones now, thanks to AT&T, the best phone company ever. AT&T is the best phone company there ever is, was, and will be. It rocks! Seriously, go out and buy an AT&T phone right now! (Alright, when do I get my money?)**


	12. The One With The Rhino

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Chandler turns to Phoebe._

Chandler: You want to play a game?

Phoebe: Ooh! Yes! I love games!

Chandler: Okay. I'll say a word, and you say the first thing that comes to your mind.

Phoebe: Okay.

Chandler: Lemon.

Phoebe: Laymoan

Chandler: Kick.

Phoebe: Keek.

Chandler: Dinner.

Phoebe: Deenar.

Chandler: Okay, you actually have to say a different word.

Phoebe: I am!

Chandler: No, you're just saying the same word in a different accent.

_Phoebe gasps._

Phoebe: I ame note!

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross, Rachel, and Monica are sitting on the couch. Chandler is sitting in the armchair. Phoebe is sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table._

Chandler: Remember when we were younger, all we did was sit around and hang out.

Phoebe: Yeah, I miss that.

_A pause. Enter Joey._

Joey: Hi!

Monica: How was work?

Joey: Pretty good. Five of my patients died, and I was really depressed.

Chandler: If that's a good day, I would _hate_ to see you on a bad day.

Emma (from the next room): Mama!

_Rachel stands up._

Rachel: Excuse me, baby emergency.

Chandler: At least it's not a full-grown emergency.

_Rachel glares at Chandler._

Chandler: Fine, no baby jokes. Can I tell teenager-

_Rachel glares at Chandler._

Chandler: Okay.

_Rachel exits to Emma's bedroom._

Ross: I think Rachel needs a break from mothering.

Monica: Ooh! Maybe we could take her out to the casino!

Ross: Mon, gambling is still really stressful-

Joey: We wouldn't go gambling! We could go to the arcade!

Chandler: Yeah!

_Chandler stands up._

Monica: I don't know…

Chandler: Please? Please, please, please, please, please?

Monica: Chandler-

Joey: Please, please, please?

Chandler and Joey: Please, please, please, please, please, please?

Monica: Okay, fine! We can go to the arcade.

Chandler: Thanks, Mon.

_Chandler kisses Monica._

Joey: Thanks, Mon!

_Joey kisses Monica._

Chandler: Joey!

Joey: What? She's letting us go to the arcade!

Chandler: Alright, it's okay.

Monica: Chandler!

Joey: Monica!

Monica: Joey!

Chandler: Monica-

Phoebe: Phoebe!

_A pause. Rachel reenters._

Rachel: What were you guys doing?

Chandler: Just enjoying a little name-dropping.

_Ross stands up._

Ross: Rachel, we're all going to the arcade to give you a little break from mothering.

Rachel: Mothering? I'm trying to tame a monster!

Monica: Sweetie, that's why we're taking you out to the casino, to give you a break.

Rachel: But I can't leave Emma! I love that sweet little angel!

Ross: Yeah, and I forgot, Ben is with me this weekend.

Chandler: Yeah, and Monica and I aren't ready to leave Jack and Erica with some babysitter.

Joey: Well, I guess it's just me and Phoebe. Whoo! Go birth control!

_Joey leans over and extends his hand to Phoebe for a high-five._

Monica: Joey, Phoebe wants kids.

_Phoebe gives Joey a high-five._

Phoebe: Whoo! See you later, suckers with kids!

Rachel: Oh, I was really looking forward to going to the casino.

Monica: Me too.

Ross: Me too.

_Monica looks at Chandler. He is tearing up._

Chandler: I can't say it.

Phoebe: I guess Mike and I could babysit for you.

Joey: What?

Rachel: Oh my god, Phoebe, you would do that?

Phoebe: Sure. Mike and I are trying to have a kid, we should probably have some practice being around them. Besides, I don't really like arcades, what with all the politics.

Monica: Oh, thank-you, Phoebe.

Ross: Yeah, thanks, Pheebs.

Chandler: Thank-you.

Joey: Yeah, Phoebe, thanks for leaving me behind with the boring people.

Rachel: Hey!

Joey: Not you, Rachel. Or Chandler and Monica.

_Ross frowns. Scene ends and opens in Phoebe and Mike's apartment. Mike is sitting at the counter in the kitchen, drawing on a piece of paper. Enter Phoebe._

Phoebe: Hi, Mike.

Mike: Hi.

_Mike and Phoebe kiss._

Phoebe: What are you doing?

Mike: I drew a picture of what I hope our daughter will look like.

_Phoebe looks at the piece of paper. _

Phoebe: Mike, this is a picture of me.

Mike: That's right. I hope that, if we have a daughter, she looks exactly like you.

Phoebe: Aww. That's so sweet.

Mike: If we have a boy, who do you hope it will look like?

Phoebe: Oh, definitely Brad Pitt. Hey, we have to babysit tonight.

Mike: Who?

Phoebe: Jack, Erica, and Emma.

Mike: Wow. That's a lot of-

Phoebe: And Ben.

Mike: So, why are we watching all of your friends' kids?

Phoebe: They're all going to the casino.

Mike: Oh. Well, this will be fun. We can practice being parents.

Phoebe: Yeah. Okay, we have to be at Monica and Chandler's house in about an hour, so, are you ready?

Mike: Yeah, hold on, I just have to use the bathroom.

_Exit Mike. Phoebe takes the pencil on the counter and begins adding to Mike's drawing._

Phoebe: Mike, you're a great musician, not so much with the drawing.

_Scene ends and opens in an arcade. Enter Monica, Chandler, Rachel, Ross, and Joey. All look around._

Chandler: How about we get a game of pool going?

_Murmurs of agreeance._

Monica: That sounds good.

Joey: Yeah, all these other games look a little too young for- Ooh! Candy Crane!

_Exit Joey. _

Ross: Alright, do any of you _grown-ups _want to play pool- Ooh! Galaga!

_Exit Ross._

Monica: Well, I guess it's just us.

Rachel: Yeah...I'm gonna go play Miss. PacMan.

_Exit Rachel._

Monica: Chandler? You wanna play pool?

Chandler: Nah, I'm gonna go play that Toy Crane game.

_Exit Chandler._

Monica: Okay. I guess I'm all alone, I'll just go down to the coffee shop and get a- Hotwheels!

_Exit Monica. Scene ends and opens in Chandler and Monica's living room. Phoebe and Mike are sitting on the couch. Mike is holding a sleeping Jack and Erica. Phoebe is holding a sleeping Emma._

Mike: Well, this isn't so bad. They're all asleep.

_Enter Ben, running, witha toy dinosaur._

Ben: Roar! Yahhh!!! Rahhh!!!

_Emma wakes up. Jack and Erica wake up and start crying loudly. _

Phoebe: Where did you get that dinosaur?

Ben: Dad gave it to me.

Phoebe: Which one?

Ben: I only have one dad.

Phoebe: Oh, right! It's the moms with you. Never mind.

Mike: Phoebe, I don't know how to make them stop crying.

Emma: Where Mama?

Ben: Aunt Phoebe, I want ice cream.

Mike: Phoebe-

Phoebe: ALRIGHT!!! Just shut up, all of you! Mike, figure out what is wrong with those things! Ben, you cannot have ice cream, you can have a nap! Emma, Mama is not here and she's not coming back for another hour! Now, everybody go to your rooms!

Ben: We don't have rooms.

Phoebe: Then go find some!

_Exit Ben and Emma. Phoebe takes Jack and Erica. A pause._

Phoebe: Mike?

Mike: What?

_Phoebe raises her eyebrows._

Mike: Oh.

_Mike exits. Scene ends and opens in the arcade. Chandler is playing the toy crane. Enter Monica. Monica walks behind Chandler._

Monica: Hi!

_Chandler jumps._

Chandler: Aw, come on, I almost had it!

_Chandler turns to Monica._

Monica: Come on. Let's go play air hockey.

_Chandler turns back to the machine._

Chandler: No, I have to get this rhino.

_Chandler inserts another quarter._

Monica: Chandler, those things are impossible to win. See?

_Monica moves in front of Chandler and takes the joystick. Monica makes the crane fall over a teddy bear. The crane clutches it and carries it over to the drop spot and drops it down the chute. Monica opens the little door and takes the teddy bear._

Monica: Yes! I win again! I _rule _at this game! Every time!

_Monica turns to Chandler._

Monica: I mean, wow! That was so unexpected!

_Scene ends and opens in Chandler and Monica's living room. Phoebe is sitting on the couch. Enter Mike._

Mike: Okay. Everyone's asleep. And when did we decide that I was going to be the fun parent?

Phoebe: What are you talking about?

Mike: When you yelled at the kids? What was that about?

Phoebe: They were annoying me.

Mike: Phoebe, you can't just scream at your kids when they're annoying you.

Phoebe: Oh. See, I didn't know, because my mom killed herself and I never had anyone around to tell me about parenting.

Mike: And you have to stop using that.

Phoebe: Fine. And I'm sorry I was so... discipliny. I can be fun. It'll be different when it's our kid.

Mike: Right.

Phoebe: I just got really frustrated.

Mike: Yeah, I know.

Phoebe: I'm sorry, Mike.

Mike: It's okay.

_Mike and Phoebe kiss._

Mike: You wanna watch some TV?

Phoebe: Yeah. Hold on, I just have to go to the bathroom.

_Exit Phoebe. Scene ends and opens in the arcade. Joey is standing next to the Candy Crane, eating candy. Enter Rachel._

Rachel: Come on, Joey, we're leaving.

Joey: Okay, just a second.

_Joey begins stuffing candy in his pockets. Exit Rachel. Joey's cell phone rings. Joey pulls it out of his pocket. Several pieces of candy fall to the floor. Joey answers his phone._

Phoebe (from phone): Joey?

Joey: Yeah. Hi, Pheebs.

Phoebe (from phone): I have to tell you something, but you can't tell anyone else.

Joey: Phoebe, what is it?

_A pause._

Phoebe (from phone): I'm pregnant.

_Credits appear on the screen. _

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's bedroom. Chandler and Monica are sleeping in their bed. Chandler wakes up, sits up, turns the light on, and begins putting on his shoes. Monica wakes up._

Monica: Chandler, what is it?

Chandler: I have to go to the arcade.

Monica: What? It's four in the morning.

Chandler: That rhino was staring at me! I have to get it!

Monica: Chandler! Just give up! You are never going to get it!

Chandler: Why would you crush my dreams?

Monica: Because you interrupted mine.

**END OF SHOW**

A/N: I'm in the happiest place on Earth! That's right, Waffle House! Seriously, I'm in Orlando right now, and I'm having an awesome time! (Actually, I wrote this in advance, so I'm predicting that I'll have an awesome time.) Anyway, see you next week!


	13. The One With The Beads

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting in the armchair. Joey is sitting in the chair at the end table. Phoebe is sitting in the chair next to him._

Monica: I met this chef yesterday, and he said that every morning he did finger exercises to keep up his finger dexterity.

_Joey holds up his index finger and begins bending it and unbending it._

Joey: You mean like this?

Monica: Yeah.

Joey: What a dork.

_Chandler walks his two fingers around like legs and makes them walk upwards._

Chandler: Hey, look, I'm doing the steps!

_Chandler lowers his fingers slightly and makes them parallel to the coffee table._

Chandler: I've fallen, and I can't get up!

_Chandler looks around._

Chandler: I'm a dork, too.

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Joey's apartment. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch, facing each other._

Joey: You're pregnant?

Phoebe: Yes!

Joey: And you don't want to tell Mike?

Phoebe: No, I will, I just want to make sure I tell him exactly right. You know how, when a guy proposes, he wants it to be at the right time in the right way?

Joey: No.

Phoebe: Well, what about when you tell somebody you love them, and you do it in this really special way, with all this planning?

Joey: No.

Phoebe: When you ask someone on a date?

Joey: You know, you'd think I did a lot of planning, but still no.

Phoebe: Anyway, I want to tell him in the perfect way.

Joey: Wait, so I'm the only one who knows this?

Phoebe: Besides me.

Joey: Hey, we've got a secret now!

Phoebe: I know, isn't it fun?

Joey: Yeah, I- wait a second. No, I just remembered! Oh, no, Phoebe, I hate keeping secrets!

Phoebe: What are you talking about? You kept Chandler and Monica's secret when they started dating.

Joey: It was killing me, Phoebe, I hated it! I can't do this, I have to tell somebody!

Phoebe: No, Joey, you can be strong. You only have to wait until tonight. That's when I'm telling him.

Joey: Yeah, I guess.

Phoebe: Okay.

_Phoebe stands up and walks toward the door._

Joey: Wait! Phoebe!

Phoebe: What?

Joey: Can you get me a beer?

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is standing in the kitchen. Enter Rachel._

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Hi.

_Ross and Rachel kiss._

Rachel: You will never guess who I ran into today.

Ross: The Naked Cowboy?

Rachel: No… Tag!

Ross: Who?

Rachel: _Tag_. My assistant that I was dating?

Ross: Oh! Yeah. How is he?

Rachel: He's great, he finally got back together with his ex-girlfriend, and they're engaged. We had lunch, and he is so grown-up now, Ross, you wouldn't believe it. Do you remember how he was on my thirtieth birthday?

Ross: Didn't he spend the whole time riding a scooter in the hall?

Rachel: Yeah. He's really mature now, though, I mean, it's surprising what a few years can change.

Ross: So, is he coming over tonight? Should we be expecting guests?

Rachel: No. I just thought it would be too weird inviting an ex over.

Ross (nervously): Oh, yeah, _way _too weird. I mean, too weird for us to handle. Just…out there, you know?

Rachel: Ross?

Ross: Mm-hm?

Rachel: What's wrong?

Ross: Oh, nothing, you know.

_A toilet flush is heard. Enter Mona from the bathroom._

Mona: Hi, Rachel!

_Rachel raises her eyebrows at Ross. Scene ends and opens in Chandler and Monica's living room. Chandler is sitting on the couch, holding Jack. Enter Monica with a shopping bag._

Monica: Hi, honey. Guess what I bought?

Chandler: A Snuggie?

Monica: No, Chandler, will you let it go? It's just a backwards bathrobe!

Chandler: So, what did you get?

Monica: Beads!

_A pause._

Chandler (confusedly): Oh?

Monica: They're to string over the doorway to our bedroom.

Chandler: You mean to use as a barrier between our room and the rest of the hall?

Monica: Yeah.

Chandler (sarcastically): Well, that's good, because it's not like we have a door or something that could do that.

Monica: Come on! I like them, and I think they'll look good.

Chandler: Fine. But you have to put them up.

Monica: Yay! Decorating!

_Monica exits. Chandler holds Jack up to his face._

Chandler: Mommy's _crazy_…

_Monica reenters._

Monica: What?

Chandler (to Jack): Daddy's in _trouble_.

_Scene ends and opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Rachel is standing by the doorway. Ross is standing in front of her. Mona is standing by the window._

Rachel: Well, look who's here.

Ross (nervously): Rachel, you'll never believe who I saw today!

Mona: Yeah, I saw Ross at the coffee house.

Rachel: Really? Funny thing about the coffee house, isn't that where you two started dating?

Mona: You know what, you're right.

Rachel: Mm-hm, you know, I think Ross might just be coming down with a little allergy to that caffeine.

_Ross coughs._

Ross: You know what, you're right, I should probably go lie down-

_Ross begins to exit. Rachel points at him._

Rachel: You stay right there, Mister.

Mona: Ross and I were talking about Emma, I'm glad to see that all worked out.

Rachel: Yeah. _We _have a baby.

Mona: Yeah, maybe I should leave.

Rachel: Well, maybe you should.

_Mona begins to exit._

Mona: I'm so glad things aren't all awkward. Bye!

_Mona exits. The door is left open. Rachel turns to Ross._

Rachel: What was that?!

Ross: Anything but not awkward.

Rachel: I _just _said how awkward it would be for one of us to invite our ex up to the apartment.

Ross: I know, Rachel, I'm sorry, I didn't know how you would react!

Rachel: Well, how would you react if I just started bringing my ex-boyfriends up to the apartment? Hey, Joey!

_Joey opens his door and sticks his head out._

Joey: I don't know anything! Stop bothering me! There's nothing I can tell you!

_Joey slams his door._

Rachel: What was that about?

Ross: I don't know…

Rachel: Okay, I'm going to go see what's up with Joey, but remember, I am still mad at you!

_Rachel exits. Scene follows her to Joey's apartment, where she enters. Joey is sitting in his armchair, facing the door._

Rachel: Hi, Joey.

Joey: Hey.

Rachel: What was that in the hallway?

Joey: What was what?

Rachel: You were acting all weird.

Joey: No, I wasn't.

Rachel: Actually, you were acting like you had a secret.

_Joey stands up._

Joey: I don't have a secret!

Rachel: Okay-

Joey: Alright, alright, yes I do! I do have a secret!

Rachel: Okay, what is it?

Joey: Oh, I can't tell you.

Rachel: You can't tell me?

Joey: No.

Rachel: Okay, Joey, I'm not going to make you-

Joey: Phoebe's pregnant!

_Rachel gasps._

Rachel: What? Really?

Joey: Yes, but I'm not supposed to tell anybody! You can't tell anybody either!

Rachel: Why not? This is great!

Joey: She doesn't want Mike to know yet, and if a lot of people know, he might find out!

Rachel: And she thought she could trust _you_ with a secret?

Joey: Hey!

_A pause._

Joey: Yeah, I don't know why she would either.

_Rachel begins to exit._

Joey: Hey, you can't tell anybody!

Rachel: Okay, I won't.

_Rachel exits. Scene follows her to her apartment. Ross is standing in the kitchen. Rachel closes the door._

Ross: So, what was wrong with Joey?

Rachel: Phoebe's pregnant! I mean, I can't tell you.

Ross: Wha- Phoebe's pregnant?

Rachel: I didn't say that.

Ross: Yes you did.

Rachel: No I didn't.

Ross: But you just-

Rachel: Excuse me, Ross, but I have more important things to do than stand here discussing what I did or didn't say.

_Rachel begins to exit._

Ross: Wait, what about our fight?

Rachel: You're sorry, you'll never do it again, I forgive you, hug, kiss, yadda, yadda, yadda. Okay, bye!

_Rachel exits. Ross looks confused. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's living room. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch._

Monica: Everyone's coming over tonight for dinner, and so I can show off our new beads!

Chandler: Seriously? You're making them drive an hour to see your new beads?

Monica: Seriously, Chandler, they hang out here every night.

Chandler: Well, yeah.

_The doorbell rings. Monica answers the door. Enter Mike, Phoebe, Joey, Rachel and Ross._

Monica: Hi, guys!

_Murmurs of greeting._

Chandler (from the other room): Who is it?

Monica (sarcastically): It's a barbershop quintet. Think, Chandler, who were we expecting?

_Enter Chandler._

Chandler: Well, actually, I had called for a barbershop quintet…

Monica: Come on, dinner's almost ready, but first you have to see the beads!

_Monica leads Chandler, Joey, Mike, Phoebe, Rachel, and Ross into the hallway in front of the bedroom, where colored beads are hanging from the door frame._

Rachel: Monica, they're gorgeous. Oh, I want some.

Ross: Rachel, those things are really dangerous for young children.

Monica: Not these! Look, I baby-proofed them.

_Monica points to a sign next to the door, taped to the wall. The camera zooms in on the sign. It reads, "STAY AWAY BABIES"._

Chandler: Sure, Monica, they'll learn to read before they learn not to play with beaded strings.

_Monica, Chandler, Rachel, Ross, Mike, Phoebe, and Joey enter the room._

Rachel: Oh, they look even more beautiful from this side.

Monica: I know!

_A timer's ding is heard from the kitchen._

Monica: That's dinner. Come on.

_Monica, Mike, Rachel, Ross, Phoebe, and Joey exit. Chandler tries to exit but gets tangled up in the beads. Monica, Mike, Rachel, and Ross enter the kitchen (unseen). Phoebe and Joey stand by the corner. Chandler struggles with the beads, unseen by Phoebe and Joey._

Joey: Have you told Mike yet?

Phoebe: No, I'm going to tell him when we get home.

Joey: Come on, Phoebe, it's killing me!

_Chandler looks confused._

Phoebe: Fine, I'll try to tell him after dinner.

Joey: That's better. Man, I can't believe you're going to have a baby.

_Chandler gapes._

Phoebe: I know, I'm so excited!

_Chandler fidgets frantically with the beads. _

Phoebe: What's that noise?

Chandler: It's Chandler! Help!

_Phoebe and Joey run to the beads._

Joey: You were listening the whole time?

Chandler: Kind of hard not to!

Joey: Why?

_Chandler stares at Joey._

Chandler: Because I'm stuck.

Joey: Oh. And, uh- uh- we were just rehearsing a play…called "Phoebe's Pregnant And She Hasn't Told Mike". Which isn't based on anything in real life.

Chandler: Joey, I heard everything.

Joey: Aw, you did?

Chandler: Yeah, congratulations, Phoebe.

Phoebe: Oh, thanks.

_A pause. Chandler waves the beads around._

Chandler: Now, help me out!

Phoebe: Oh, right.

_Phoebe and Joey begin to untangle Chandler from the beads. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's dining room. Monica is sitting at the head of the table. Chandler is sitting on her left and Phoebe is sitting on her right. Mike is next to Phoebe and Joey is next to Chandler. Rachel is next to Joey and Ross is next to Mike. All are eating._

Monica: So, Phoebe, Mike, what's going on with you guys?

Phoebe (nervously): Um…ah…Mike?

Mike: Oh, nothing much really, you know, still trying to have a baby.

Monica: Mm-hm, and how's that working for you?

Phoebe: Obviously not well, I mean, Monica, it's not like I'm pregnant.

Rachel: Yeah, Monica, she's not pregnant.

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: Yeah.

Monica: Okay, I wasn't accusing her of being pregnant.

Joey: Oh, well, that's good, 'cause she's not.

Mike: Okay, what is going on?

Rachel: Nothing's going on.

Joey: Yeah, especially Phoebe having a baby. That's _definitely _not going on.

Mike: What?

Phoebe: Eh, what the heck? I'm pregnant, Mike.

_Phoebe begins eating._

Mike: What?!

Monica: What?!

Joey: What?!

Rachel: Joey, you knew!

Mike: Wait, Joey knew before I did?

Rachel: Yeah, I knew too.

Ross: So did I.

Chandler: Me too.

_Mike turns to Monica._

Monica: Don't look at me, nobody ever tells me anything!

Mike: Phoebe, why didn't you tell me?

Phoebe: I was going to tell you tonight, and I wanted to make it really special and perfect.

Mike: Oh, Phoebe…if I was pregnant-

_Mike pause, realizing what he just said._

Mike: Yeah, If I was pregnant, I would want to tell you in a special way, too.

Phoebe: Mike, that's so sweet. Really weird, but sweet.

_A pause._

Mike: I can't believe this! We're going to have a baby!

Phoebe: I know!

_Mike and Phoebe kiss._

Mike: I love you.

Phoebe: I love you, too.

_A pause._

Joey: Okay, I don't want to ruin the moment, but Monica, are there seconds?

_Credits appear on the screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in the hallway outside of Monica and Chandler's bedroom. Monica and Chandler are standing in the hall._

Monica: Isn't it great that Phoebe and Mike are going to have a baby?

Chandler: Yeah.

_Monica kisses Chandler and enters the bedroom. Chandler tries to enter the bedroom but gets caught up in the beads._

Chandler: Aw, not again!

**END OF SHOW**


	14. Rerun: The One With The Refrigerator

A/N: Sorry I didn't update earlier! The internet was down. I didn't even finish this episode because I had such a busy week. I promise I'll post next week!

_Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's living room. Joey, Chandler, and Monica are sitting on the couch. Jack and Erica are in the rolling bassinet next to them. Ross and Rachel are sitting in an armchair. Mike and Phoebe are sitting in the loveseat. _

Monica: I love that we can still hang out like this!

Rachel: I know, it's so great. I thought I wouldn't be able to see you guys once you moved.

Phoebe: Yeah, I would have missed Chandler's annoying jokes.

Mike: I wouldn't have.

_All look at him._

Mike: What? I hang out with you guys all the time. I'm not allowed to have an opinion?

_Theme song and title sequence plays. Scene opens at Central Perk. Ross and Rachel are sitting on the couch, drinking coffee. Gunther walks up to them._

Gunther: So you guys are back together again?

Rachel: Yes.

_Gunther nods and then cringes as he turns and walks away._

Ross: You know, I've been thinking…about us.

Rachel: And?

Ross: I think…I mean, I don't want to jeopardize our relationship, but I think it would be better if… you don't have to, I just thought, you know, it might be nice if…if it's not too soon, we could-

Rachel: Spit it out, Ross!

Ross: Will you move in with me?

Rachel: Oh my god…

Ross: I know, we've only technically been dating for a few weeks, but with the history-

Rachel: Yes! Yes, Ross, I want to move in with you.

Ross: You do?

Rachel: Of course! Oh, I love you.

_They kiss. A muffin hits them. Ross and Rachel look up. Gunther is standing at the counter, looking suspicious. Scene ends and opens in Chandler and Monica's kitchen. Monica is looking through the refrigerator and Chandler is looking in the pantry._

Chandler: When was the last time you went grocery shopping?

Monica: I don't know…a month?

Chandler: And Joey's been here every night?

Monica: He can't have come over every night, or we wouldn't have this ketchup.

_Monica holds up a bottle of ketchup._

Chandler: So we have no food other than the ketchup?

Monica: I think there's some cinnamon in the pantry.

Chandler: No, Joey ate that because he thought it was powdered root beer.

Monica: Well if we have no food, then let's just go and raid _his_ fridge.

Chandler: But that's an hour away.

Monica: It's an hour's worth of revenge!

Chandler: Why don't we just go out to eat?

Monica: Because I'm a chef. It's insulting for me to eat food prepared by someone else.

Chandler: Since when?

Monica: Since just now when I had to think up an argument against you!

_Chandler kisses Monica._

Monica: You're just trying to distract me.

Chandler: You're right. That's the only reason I have for kissing my wife.

Monica: Why don't you want to go to Joey's?

Chandler: Because…you can't go in his fridge.

Monica: Why not?

Chandler: Because I used to use it.

Monica: So?

Chandler: I don't want you to see what's in there.

Monica: Why? What's in there?

Chandler: I can't tell you.

Monica: You're not going to tell me?

Chandler: Nope.

Monica: Fine then. I'll just call Joey.

_Monica picks up the phone and begins to dial._

Chandler: No! Wait, Monica…it's…There are dead puppies in that fridge!

Monica: Sweetie, what are you trying to cover up that's worse than dead puppies?

Chandler: Uh…a jar of Janice's fingernails!

Monica: You mean the long, red ones that she would TAP, TAP, TAP-

Chandler: Okay, it's not Janice's fingernails!

Monica: You don't say.

_Scene ends and opens at Phoebe and Mike's apartment. Phoebe and Mike are sitting on the couch watching TV._

Phoebe: You know how we've been trying to have a baby?

Mike: We have?

Phoebe: Well, I was just thinking, maybe we should go to the fertility clinic, to see if we can have children.

Mike: Phoebe, we've only been trying for three weeks.

Phoebe: Yeah, but it doesn't take three weeks to make a baby. And, if we want to adopt, it's better if we start early.

Mike: No, there really isn't a reason to.

Phoebe: But…you didn't have any kids in your first marriage.

Mike: That's because my wife didn't want kids. Remember how depressed she was? Whenever I mentioned babies, she started sobbing.

Phoebe: Yeah, well- I just _really _want children.

Mike: Tell you what. If, in a year, you still aren't pregnant, we'll go get the fertility tests done.

Phoebe: Okay.

_Scene ends and opens at Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch, Ross is sitting in the armchair, and Rachel is standing behind him with her hands on the back of the chair. _

Rachel: We've got big news.

Chandler: Does it involve supermodels or hamburgers?

Rachel: No.

Chandler: Okay, we don't need to get Joey.

Rachel: Ross and I are moving in together.

Chandler: You're moving out of Joey's apartment?

Rachel: Yes.

Chandler: Yeah, I still don't think we need to get him.

Monica: Rachel, this is great!

Rachel: I know!

Monica: Chandler, don't we have some boxes that she can use?

Chandler: But she's just moving across the hall.

Monica: Yes, but it would be _nice_ to give them to her.

_Monica gives Chandler a look._

Chandler: But then she would have the hassle of getting rid of them, like we- Oh…Yeah, Rachel, we have some boxes you can use.

Monica: I'll go get them!

_Monica and Chandler exit._

Ross: You know, now you'll have lived with everybody but Chandler.

Rachel: Wow. This is…amazing. I mean, ten years ago, I was in a chapel, about to get married, and now…I'm dating the guy who had a crush on me in high school, living in an apartment in the city, surrounded by friends…I feel like I'm right back where I was in high school. Only…better. This is…life-changing.

_A pause._

Ross: I'm gonna go get a muffin.

_Ross stands up and heads toward the counter. Scene ends and opens in Joey's apartment. Joey is answering the door. Monica and Chandler enter with piles of folded boxes._

Monica: Hey, Joey. These are for Rachel.

_Monica places the boxes on the counter. Chandler dumps his pile on the floor._

Joey: Chandler, look what you did! You made a huge mess all over the floor. Now I have to pick it up!

_Chandler and Joey laugh and high-five. _

Joey: You want some soda?

Monica: Sure.

_Joey opens the refrigerator and chuckles._

Monica: Okay, what is in there?

Joey: Janice's fingernails!

Chandler: It's too late for that.

Monica: Fine! If you guys won't tell me, then I'll just see for myself.

_Chandler jumps in front of the refrigerator._

Chandler: No! You can't!

Monica: Why not?

Chandler: Because it's your birthday present!

Monica: Why do you need to keep it in the refrigerator?

Joey: Because it's an ice sculpture! Carved out of ice!

_Monica walks toward the refrigerator._

Monica: Alright, I'm getting to the bottom of this.

Joey: It's actually at the back-

Chandler: Joey!

_Enter Rachel and Ross._

Rachel: What are you guys doing?

Monica: I'm trying to see what Chandler put in Joey's refrigerator.

Rachel: It's a jar of Janice's fingernails.

Chandler: That isn't going to work, Rachel, but I'm glad you're so dedicated.

Rachel: What? I thought there were Janice's fingernails! Okay, whose jar of nails is in there?

Joey: Oh, yeah, I keep my toenails in there so they don't smell.

Rachel: Ew!

Chandler: See, Monica, that's why I don't want you to see the inside of Joey's refrigerator.

Monica: Fine. I'll just go and help Rachel start packing.

_Monica begins to walk away. Chandler and Joey heave a sigh of relief and walk away from the refrigerator._

Monica: Aha!

_Monica runs to the refrigerator and opens it. _

Monica: Milk, beer, Joey's toenails, and- Oh my god!

_Monica steps back from the refrigerator and turns to Chandler._

Monica: You keep a picture of Yasmine Bleeth in your refrigerator?!

Chandler: Yes, yes, but I never use this refrigerator anymore! I haven't looked at that picture in five years!

Monica: Really? You haven't been using Joey's refrigerator because you don't want to look at that picture?

Chandler: Well, I want to- But I'd much rather be looking at you, dear.

Monica: Okay.

_Chandler and Monica hug._

Chandler: So, you're not mad?

Monica: I'm mad. It's just that I _really _don't want to miss an opportunity to pack stuff.

_Monica picks up the boxes on the floor and the boxes on the counter and walks towards Rachel's room._

Monica: Come on, Rachel. We'll start with your room.

Rachel: That's the only place where I have stuff.

Monica: Then we'll end in your room, too!

Rachel: Monica, can you start without me? I kind of want to go over and clear out my space in Ross's apartment.

Ross: Oh, honey, you can share my space.

Joey: Wait, Rache- you're moving?

Rachel: Yeah- Ross and I are moving in together.

Joey: You're leaving?

Rachel: Joey, I'll be right across the hall.

Joey (looking like he's about to cry): I know. Yeah, it's okay. I'm fine. You can move…just…leave me all alone!

_Joey cries and hugs Rachel._

Rachel: Oh, Joey, you won't be alone. I'll see you every day.

Joey: Why does everybody want to move away from me?

Rachel: Everybody doesn't want to move away from you!

Joey: Yes they are! Alright, from now on, no more moving! Everybody just stays where they are!

Chandler: Do you mean where we're standing? Because I have to use the bathroom…

Joey: You can go.

_Chandler exits to Joey's bathroom._

Joey: I just don't want to be alone.

Monica: Joey, Chandler and I moved an hour away from you, and we still see you every day. Rachel's just moving across the hall. Remember, she used to live there and you still saw her every day.

Joey: It's not about just seeing her, it's about…saying goodnight, and watching movies and stuff.

Rachel: Oh, Joey, we can still do all that. You can come over every night to say goodnight if you want to.

Joey: Really?

Rachel: Of course, Joey.

Joey: Thanks.

_Joey and Rachel hug._

Monica: When you're done consoling Joey, you have to come pack your things.

_Scene ends and opens in Ross's apartment. Rachel is carrying a box into the living room. Ross is standing in front of her._

Rachel: Okay…this is the last box.

_Rachel sets it down on the ground._

Ross: Welcome to your new home.

Rachel: Actually, this was my home before, so…I'm sort of coming back to it.

Ross: Alright then, welcome back.

_They kiss._

Rachel: Oh my god, we're _living _together.

Ross: I know.

_Enter Joey. Joey runs to the living room._

Joey: Goodnight, Rachel!

Rachel: Goodnight, Joey.

_Joey exits. Scene ends and opens at Phoebe and Mike's apartment. Phoebe is coming through the door. Mike is standing in the kitchen holding a cookie sheet with cookies on it and wearing an apron._

Mike: Hi! I made cookies!

Phoebe: Oh, Mike, you didn't have to do that!

_Phoebe takes a bite of a cookie._

Phoebe: Oh, but you _so _did! These are amazing!

Mike: Yeah, it's my grandmother's recipe. I'm gonna go shower.

_Mike exits. Phoebe sits leans on the counter and takes another bite of the cookie. A confused expression crosses her face. _

Phoebe: Hm.

_Phoebe pulls a pill out of her mouth and examines it. Her eyes widen. Credits appear on the screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's kitchen. It is dark. Chandler is opening the refrigerator._

Chandler: Monica! You put a picture of George Clooney in the refrigerator?!

**END OF SHOW**


	15. The One With The WhatIf

_Scene opens in Joey's apartment. Joey is sitting in his armchair, reading a book. Enter Chandler._

Chandler: Hey, Joey, what are you doing?

Joey: Oh, I'm trying out this Phonics stuff. You know how I'm not really as smart as a lot of other people?

Chandler (in mock surprise): No way!

Joey: Yeah, this stuff is supposed to make me better at reading and writing and stuff. It's actually kind of fun.

Chandler: Really?

Joey: Yeah, I'm learning all about prefixes. Like, "un" means "not", so the opposite of an _uncle _is a _cle_.

Chandler: Joey, that's not how it works.

Joey: What?

Chandler: Not every word that begins with "un" means "not something".

Joey: Aw, I'll never get this! I derstand!

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Rachel is reading a magazine._

Ross: I love you.

Rachel: Oh, honey, I love you, too. Hey, can you give me a pedicure?

_Rachel lifts her feet up on the couch._

Ross: You know, what would our life be like if we had never broken up?

Rachel: Totally different. The nail polish is under the coffee table.

Ross: I'm serious, I mean, we could be married now.

Rachel: Wow, you're right. I need toe separators.

Ross: You know, if we had stayed together, Monica and Chandler might never have ended up together.

_Rachel stands up._

Rachel: You know, I'm just going to go to the salon.

Ross: No, come here, come here, I'll do it.

_Rachel sits down and puts her feet on Ross's lap._

Ross: Can you just think about it, though?

Rachel: Okay…

_Rachel closes her eyes._

Rachel: We're living in a big house, Emma is a lot older, and my toenails still aren't painted.

Ross: Really, Rachel.

Rachel: I guess you're right…

_Alternate reality. Scene opens in Central Perk. Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Joey and Chandler are sitting in the two chairs at the end of the couch. Enter Ross._

Ross: Hello, Mrs. Geller!

Chandler: Ross, I told you, I'm not taking your last name!

Rachel: Hi, sweetie.

_Ross and Rachel kiss._

Ross: I'm so glad that we've been together for almost nine years and we never went on a break!

Rachel: I know, never!

_Ross sits in the armchair._

Ross: I still wish that I could have been with you in the first place without having to end up getting a divorce. I'm glad I only had to do it once.

Monica: I know, can you imagine if you'd gotten divorced twice?

Ross: Not me! Guys like me don't get divorced more than once.

Phoebe: Hey, Monica, you want to go to the bar tonight? Have a girl's night out? Meet some guys?

Monica: Phoebe, you're married.

Phoebe: No, I meant _you _would meet some guys.

Monica: Please, I'm not that desperate. Besides, I've got a date tonight.

Phoebe: With who?

_Monica looks at Chandler._

Monica: Chandler?

Phoebe: Please, you can't be that desperate.

Chandler: Hey! She's right.

Rachel: No, I think it's a good idea. Monica, you should go on a date with Chandler. You know, just a date, it doesn't have to go anywhere.

Monica: That doesn't sound like a good idea.

Joey: Come on, Monica, you know how long it's been since you went on a date.

Monica: No, I don't.

Joey: Ninety- seven days.

Monica: You were counting?!

Joey: Yeah, and I win the bet if you go out with Chandler in the next three days!

Chandler: Hey, don't I get a say in this?

Phoebe: Not really.

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: Fine, guys, I'll do it. I'll ask him. Chandler?

Chandler: You do know that I was part of the conversation?

Monica: Whatever. Would you like to go on a date with me tonight?

Chandler: Hm…

Joey: SAY YES, MAN!!!

Chandler: Sure. I would quite enjoy a date with you.

Monica: You can't talk like that.

Chandler: Right-o.

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment (the apartment that Ross had seasons 5-10).Ross is sitting on the couch, reading a book. Rachel is looking out the window._

Rachel: I want to be single again.

Ross: No! I'm not getting another divorce! Two divorces is as pathetic as it gets!

Rachel: No, Ross, I want to go on a first date. I want to feel all nervous, you know, when you're not sure what your date is thinking, and then you have to figure out whether they liked you or not, and then you freak out, and question your entire philosophy…I _miss _that.

Ross (sarcastically): It's obvious why.

_Rachel frowns. Scene ends and opens in a restaurant. Monica and Chandler are sitting at a table. Their plates are almost empty._

Monica: I think this is too weird. Is this too weird?

Chandler: Monica, relax. We're just two friends going out.

_A pause._

Monica: You're sweating.

Chandler: Yeah.

Monica: Should we just leave?

Chandler: Yeah, do you want to just go to the theater early?

Monica: We don't have movie tickets.

Chandler (defensively): I know that.

Monica: Chandler, I think I'm just going to leave.

_Monica begins to stand up._

Chandler: Okay, but since it's not a date, you have to pay your half of the bill.

_Monica sits back down._

Monica: So where did you grow up?

_Scene ends and opens in Joey's apartment. Joey is sitting in one of the two armchairs. He is playing with a yo-yo. He flicks it. It rolls down and stops. Joey pulls up. The yo-yo string tangles around his wrist. Joey shakes his hand in frustration to untangle it. The yo-yo falls to the floor. Enter Rachel._

Joey: I'm bored. When is Chandler coming home?

Rachel: Not for a while, I think. What do you usually do when Chandler's on a date?

_Joey raises his eyebrows and looks at Rachel._

Rachel: Okay, do you want to play a game?

Joey: I don't know. What game?

Rachel: Candyland?

Joey: Yeah!

Rachel: Okay, I'll get the game board.

Joey: I'll get the candy!

Rachel: Joey, you don't play with actual candy.

Joey: Obviously, you've never played with a Tribbiani.

_Scene ends and opens in the hallway outside of Monica's apartment. Enter Monica and Chandler from the stairway._

Chandler: I had a good time.

Monica: Yeah, me too.

_A pause._

Monica: Okay…goodnight.

Chandler: Goodnight.

_Monica exits to her apartment. Chandler exits to his apartment. A long pause. Chandler and Monica run out of their apartments at the same time, meet halfway across the hallway and kiss. Credits appear on the screen. _

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is lying on the couch. Her toes are propped up on a magazine, with toe separators in between them. Her toenails are painted. Ross is sitting on the couch near her feet and screwing the top onto a bottle of nail polish. He sets it on the coffee table._

Rachel: Wow. Things would be different.

Ross: I know.

_Enter Joey._

Joey: Can we play Candyland now?

Rachel (surprised): Oh my god, it's still going on!

**END OF SHOW**

**A/N: I know this is really, really short. I'm sorry. I've had a busy two weeks. I went on a trip, and when I got back, I had a week of playing eight hours of basketball a day. I've been coming home exhausted and not inspired to write. Again, I'm sorry about the length (lack of, actually). Next week will be better.**


	16. The One With The Lipstick

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Phoebe, Mike, and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting in the armchair. Joey and Monica are sitting in the two chairs at the end tables. _

Ross: I just saw this special on TV about dinosaurs. It was fascinating.

Joey: I'm hungry.

Chandler: Me too. Could I _be _any more hungry?

Rachel: You guys are all so predictable.

Monica: I KNOW!!!

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Ross is standing by the door. Rachel is in the kitchen, holding Emma's hand. _

Rachel: Emma, we're going to your Aunt Carol's house.

Ross: Aunt? She's more like "Daddy's Lesbian Ex-Wife".

Rachel: Alright, Emma, we're going to see Aunt Carol and Daddy's son that he has with his lesbian ex-wife.

Ross: Yeah, Emma, we're going to go see your brother, Ben.

Rachel: Half-brother.

Ross: That's too complicated for her.

Rachel: Well, he's not her brother!

Ross: How about just "Ben"?

Rachel: Yeah, okay. Alright, Emma, we're going to see your Aunt Carol and Ben.

_Rachel exits to the hallway. Ross leans down to Emma._

Ross (whispering): She's not really your aunt.

Rachel (from the hall): I heard that!

_Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Chandler and Monica are standing near the front door. _

Monica: I hate going to work on your day off. Don't you get lonely?

Chandler: Yeah. Sure I do.

Monica: Alright, bye. I love you.

_Monica kisses Chandler's forehead, leaving a dark lipstick mark, and exits. Chandler turns and begins to walk down the hallway. He passes a mirror and stops. He turns and looks into the mirror. He sees the lipstick mark._

Chandler: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

_Chandler begins rubbing the mark furiously. He licks his fingers and rubs some more. The lipstick doesn't come off. Chandler runs to the kitchen and gets a mop from the pantry. He wets it clumsily in the sink and begins to just as clumsily mop his forehead. Enter Phoebe. _

Phoebe: What are you doing?

_Chandler jumps in surprise._

Chandler: When did we give you a key?

Phoebe: You didn't, I just used my credit card. So, what are you doing?

Chandler (sarcastically): Isn't it obvious?

_Phoebe gasps._

Phoebe: Monica's wearing that lipstick I gave her?

Chandler: Probably.

Phoebe: Okay, there's only one way to get it off. You have vinegar and a wire brush, right?

Chandler: Ow!!! Isn't that really painful?

Phoebe: I wouldn't know, I'm not going to do that to my lips!

Chandler: Then how did you get it off?

Phoebe: I didn't. I'm still wearing it.

_Phoebe gestures to her lips._

Phoebe: This is just lip-colored lipstick!

_Scene ends and opens in a theater. A female director and several others are sitting in the front row. Joey is on stage._

Joey (acting): If you leave, I'll never be the same!

Director: Okay, that was good, but…I just don't think you're right for the part.

Joey: What are you talking about? It's about a guy who loves food and TV. I spend almost my entire day eating and watching TV…uh, when I'm not horseback riding and other stuff it says on my resumé.

Director: Well, if you eat so much, why aren't you heavier?

Joey: Probably because I do a lot of extra exercise, if you know what I mean.

Director: You asked me out last week and I said no.

Joey: Oh, yeah. Why?

Director: I'm married.

Joey: I'm okay with that.

Director: Oh, my god, next!

Joey: Wait, wait, please let me come back, I promise I'll get fat.

Director: Fine, just get out!

_Scene ends and opens in Susan and Carol's apartment. Carol is sitting on the couch. Enter Ross and Rachel with Emma. Carol stands up._

Carol: Hi!

Ross: Hi, where's Ben?

Carol: Ben!

_Ben enters from the kitchen._

Carol: Your friend Emma is here.

Ross: Friend! That's it!

_Ross's pager beeps. He looks at it._

Ross: Oh, no, I have a class. Rachel, do you think you could stay with Emma?

Rachel: Um, Ross, can I speak to you in the hall?

_Rachel and Ross exit. Scene follows them._

Rachel: You can't leave me with Carol.

Ross: What do you mean?

Rachel: It's just too awkward! What are we supposed to talk about?

Ross: Well, you've both married me, you've both divorced me, you've both had kids with me…talk about me!

Rachel: Yeah, Ross, that would be a big help if you weren't ridiculously boring!

Ross: Then just play with the kids.

Rachel: Okay.

_Scene ends and opens in Monica's restaurant, Javu. Joey is sitting at a table laden with five empty dinner plates. Joey is leaning back in his chair, full. A waiter enters._

Waiter (annoyed): Would you be wanting a _sixth _dinner?

Joey: No, I think I'm done. May I speak to the head chef?

Waiter: Right away.

_Waiter begins to exit._

Waiter (to himself): I hope you don't eat her, too.

_Waiter exits. Scene follows him to the kitchen. Monica is working over the stove. _

Waiter: Chef Geller, the customer who ordered all those dinners for himself would like to speak with you.

Monica: Good. I'd like to meet the person who can eat five dinners by himself.

_Scene ends and opens at Joey's table in Javu. Joey is sitting in the chair. Monica is standing next to him with her arms folded._

Monica: I should have known.

Joey: Hey, Mon, what's the most fattening food there is?

Monica: Well, probably any candy or junk food. Why?

Joey: I'm trying to make myself overweight.

Monica: What? Joey, why would you want to do that to yourself?

Joey: It's for a play.

Monica: Still, Joey, it's unhealthy. I'm not going to let one of my best friends-

Joey: Really? I'm one of your best friends?

Monica: Joey! Anyway, I won't let you ruin your body.

Joey: Wow, Monica, I didn't know you cared about me so much…but I need _money_.

Monica: Fine. Get fat. But I have been there, Tribbiani, and it's no walk in the park!

Joey: That's it! No more walks in the park. Gaining weight is easier than I thought!

_Monica's cell phone rings. Monica answers it._

Monica (on the phone): Hello?

_Scene cuts to Chandler in his kitchen. Phoebe is sponging Chandler's forehead vigorously. _

Chandler (on the phone): Monica, you have to come home.

Monica (from the phone): What? Why?

Chandler (on the phone): How do you get off your lipstick?

_Scene returns to Monica._

Monica (on the phone): Oh, no, did it leave a mark?

Joey: Did what leave a mark?

Monica (on the phone): Have you tried soap?

Joey: What about soap?

Monica (on the phone): Fine. I'll go help you.

_Monica shuts her phone and puts it in her purse._

Joey: Where are you going? Who needs help? What's the most fattening food there is?

Monica: I'm going home to help Chandler get a lipstick mark off of his forehead. And I'm not going to tell you how to get fat!

Joey: Fine, then. I'll just eat a lot of pizza and watch TV.

Monica: You already do that!

Joey: Are you calling me fat?

Monica: Maybe I am!

_The restaurant is quiet. Everyone is staring at Joey and Monica. A pause._

Joey: This is for a play.

_Scene ends and opens in Carol's apartment. Rachel and Carol are sitting on the couch. _

Rachel: So…How is it like actually marrying Ross?

Carol: It was great. He loves weddings.

Rachel: No kidding.

_A long pause._

Carol: So, what's going on with you and Ross?

Rachel: Oh, you know, we're dating.

Carol: Oh, yeah, I used to date Ross.

Rachel: Yeah, I remember.

_Another long pause._

Rachel: So, how was your divorce?

Carol: My parents threatened to disown me, Ross and Susan kept arguing, and I was pregnant.

Rachel: Yeah, I had a hangover.

_A pause._

Rachel: I'm sorry, but we have _nothing _to talk about. I mean, I'm in fashion and you're- I'm sorry, I really don't know what you do.

Carol: I'm a stay at home mom.

Rachel: Oh, yeah, I was that…before my maternity leave ended.

_Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's kitchen. Phoebe is holding Chandler's head under the kitchen sink's running faucet. Enter Monica._

Monica: Phoebe, why are you trying to drown my husband?

Phoebe: I'm trying to get the lipstick off!

Monica: Well, don't do that!

_Phoebe releases Chandler. He stands up._

Chandler: Thank-you, Monica!

_Monica gets a fork from the silverware drawer. _

Monica: You need to scrape it off, with a fork.

Chandler: What? No!

Monica: Do you want everyone at work to think you're a big idiot?

Chandler: They already think that!

Monica: Do you want them to think you're a big idiot with lipstick on his forehead?

Chandler: I don't know. I don't really care about what other people think about me.

Monica: What if I used a washcloth?

Chandler: Oh, please get it off, get it off, everyone at work would talk about me and tease me. I don't want that reputation!

Monica: I think that if we use a washcloth and soap, it will come off.

_Monica exits and returns with a washcloth and a bottle of body wash. Monica wets the washcloth under the kitchen sink and applies the soap to it. She begins rubbing it on the lipstick mark. The mark slowly begins to fade. _

Phoebe: Hey, look, it's disappearing!

Chandler: The lipstick?

Phoebe: No, your forehead. Hey! I would make a good Chandler.

Chandler (sarcastically): Yeah, about as good as Monica.

_Monica stops rubbing._

Monica: Excuse me?

Chandler: No, you're very funny. Please get it off.

Monica (sarcastically): Yeah, I'm going to keep helping you.

_Monica begins to exit._

Chandler: See? That's what I was talking about!

_Monica exits. Chandler turns to Phoebe._

Chandler: Pheebs? Will you help me get this off?

Phoebe: Oh, no, I'm not _funny _enough!

_Phoebe exits. Scene ends and opens in the hallway outside of Carol's apartment. Rachel is talking on her cell phone. _

Rachel (on the phone): Ross, I cannot stay here! You have to come back!

_Scene cuts to Ross, in the hallway of the school. He is talking on his cell phone._

Ross (on the phone): Why? What's wrong?

_Scene returns to Rachel._

Rachel (on the phone): I was right. We have nothing to talk about.

Ross (from the phone): You were right?

Rachel (on the phone): Yes! You were wrong! We've just been sitting here in silence!

_Scene returns to Ross._

Ross (on the phone): I was wrong?

Rachel (from the phone): Yeah! You were wrong and I was right! I was right!

_Scene returns_ _to Rachel._

Rachel (on the phone): I was right! You were- Ross? Ross, don't hang up on me!

Carol (from the apartment): Rachel? Are you okay?

Rachel: See, now we have something to talk about!

_Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's living room. Monica is sitting on the couch. Chandler enters and sits on the couch._

Chandler: I'm sorry I said you weren't funny. You are really, and I love you. Now can you please get the lipstick off?

Monica: It looks darker than before!

Chandler: Yeah, Phoebe was mad, and she put some more of it on.

Monica: Come here.

_Monica takes Chandler's head, licks her thumb, and rubs it on his forehead. The lipstick mark disappears._

Monica: There!

_Monica releases Chandler's head. Chandler sits up._

Chandler: You mean I could have done that the whole time? And Phoebe was getting out the _wire brush_?!

Monica: Oh, sweetie, I love you.

_Monica kisses Chandler on the forehead, leaving a lipstick mark. She stands and exits. Chandler touches his forehead._

Chandler: No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Monica!

_Chandler exits, running. Credits appear on the screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in a theater. A female director and several others are in the seats. Joey walks onto the stage, eating a Twinkie._

Joey: Okay, I _swear _I've gained weight! You can't see it, but if we had a scale…

Director: Joey, you didn't get the part.

Joey: Oh. Fine, then. Me and my Twinkie will just go home.

_Joey begins to exit. He takes a big bite of the Twinkie._

Joey (with his mouth full): And you can't have any!

**END OF SHOW**

_  
_A/N: I'm so sorry I didn't post this Thursday! My cousins were visiting yesterday, and it completely slipped my mind.


	17. Rerun: The One With The Talking Computer

_Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's living room. Monica is sitting on the couch holding the twins. Enter Chandler with a bottle of formula._

Chandler: Here.

_Chandler hands the bottle of formula to Monica._

Monica: Hey, do you have a favorite?

Chandler: Yeah.

Monica: What?! Which one?

Chandler: Joey.

Monica: No, I meant of our children.

Chandler: I know.

_Scene ends and opens in Chandler and Monica's living room. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Chandler has his open laptop in his lap. _

Chandler: Hey Monica, listen.

_Chandler types on the keyboard of the laptop._

Laptop: Chandler is cool.

Monica: Honey? When you get your computer to say that, it's not true.

_Monica stands up and exits to the kitchen. There is a knock on the door. Monica reenters and and answers the door. Enter Phoebe._

Phoebe: Hi!

Monica: Hi.

Chandler: Hey, Phoebe, check this out.

_Chandler types on the keyboard of his laptop._

Laptop: Hello, Phoebe.

_Phoebe shrieks._

Phoebe: The robots are revolting!

Monica: Phoebe, Phoebe, calm down. It's just Chandler's stupid computer thing.

Phoebe: Yeah, well, that's what they want you to think.

_Scene ends and opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Ross is sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table. Emma is sitting on a cushion on the floor on the opposite side of the table. On the other two sides are large stuffed animals. A play tea set is spread out on the table. On each side of the table, there is a play cup and saucer. Ross pretends to take a sip._

Ross: Mmm! This is delicious tea, Emma.

_Ross turns towards one of the stuffed animals._

Ross: Would you like some more, Mr. Darwin?

Emma: Dada! That Miss Prada!

Ross: Rachel!

Emma: Tea, Dada! Tea!

_Ross pretends to take a sip. Enter Rachel from her bedroom, putting on an earring._

Rachel: Ross, what are you doing?

Ross: I'm having a tea party with Emma.

_A pause. Rachel shrugs._

Rachel: Okay…

_Rachel walks to the kitchen._

Rachel: …Girly man.

_Ross stands up._

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Hey. Are you going anywhere tonight? I need you to watch Emma.

Ross: No, I don't have plans.

Rachel: Great, I'm going out.

Ross: Okay. Have fun.

_Ross returns to where he was sitting. Rachel exits to the bathroom. Enter Joey from the front door. Ross jumps up._

Ross: Joey! I was-

Joey: Dude. I don't wanna know. Where's Rachel?

Ross: In the bathroom. Why?

Joey: We're going out tonight.

Ross: What?!

Joey (slowly, enunciating): We…are…going…out…to…night.

Ross: You have a _date _with my girlfriend?

Joey: Yeah, pretty much.

_Joey walks to the refrigerator, opens it, and begins rummaging around inside of it._

Ross: So, _you've_ got a datewith _my _girlfriend?

_Joey stands up. A pause._

Joey: Yeah, pretty much.

_Joey exits to the hall._

Ross (under his breath): Oh my god!

_Enter Rachel from the bathroom._

Ross: You're going on a date with Joey?

Rachel (sarcastically): Yes, Ross, Joey is my secret boyfriend. Come on, he invited me to a cast party for _Days Of Our Lives_.

Ross: You're not a cast member of _Days Of Our Lives_.

Rachel: Well, I'm his date.

Ross: So you _are _going on a date with Joey.

Rachel: Well, not…technically. I mean, Chandler and I go out all the time.

Ross: You cannot count the reasons I am not worried about that. But, Rachel, this is _Joey_. You kind of have a history with him. Isn't it hard to be his _date _for anything?

Rachel: No, Ross, we're best friends. And there will be actors at the party.

Ross: I guess you _are _best friends.

Rachel: _Actors_, Ross.

Ross: It's just, I don't like the idea of you and Joey being out together.

Rachel: What, you don't _trust_ me?

Ross: No, I don't trust him.

Rachel: Well, not trusting him is like not trusting me.

Ross: Well, maybe I don't trust you!

Rachel: Well, maybe I don't need your permission!

_A pause._

Rachel: Bye. Love you.

Ross: Love you, too.

_Ross and Rachel kiss. Rachel exits. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's living room. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Chandler's laptop is open in his lap._

Chandler: Hey, where's Mike?

Phoebe: Doing some laundry.

_Chandler takes the phone and dials._

Phoebe: Who are you calling?

Chandler: Oh, _I'm _not calling anyone.

_Scene cuts to Mike in the laundry room in his building. A dryer is open and he has a basket of laundry next to him. Mike's cell phone rings. He answers it. _

Mike: Hello?

_Scene returns to Chandler and Phoebe. Chandler holds the phone to the laptop and types on the laptop's keyboard._

Laptop: Hello, Mike.

Mike (from phone): Who is this?

_Chandler types on the laptop's keyboard._

Laptop: I can see that you are doing some laundry.

_Scene returns to Mike. He turns in a circle, looking around._

Mike: Where are you?

_Scene returns to Chandler and Phoebe. Chandler thinks. Chandler types on the laptop's keyboard. Scene returns to Mike._

Laptop (from phone): We are everywhere.

_Scene returns to Chandler and Phoebe._

Phoebe: Oh, that's good!

Mike (from phone): What do you want from me?

_Phoebe takes the laptop form Chandler and types on the laptop's keyboard._

Laptop: Give your wife a box of chocolates.

_Scene ends and opens in Chandler and Monica's kitchen. Monica is cleaning the stovetop with a sponge and soap. The phone rings. Monica answers it._

Monica: Hello?

_Scene cuts to Ross, sitting on the couch in his apartment._

Ross: You sound all chirpy. What were you just cleaning?

_Scene returns to Monica._

Monica: Nothing.

Ross (from phone): Monica...

Monica: The stove.

_Scene returns to Ross._

Ross: Did you know that Rachel and Joey were going out tonight?

_Scene returns to Monica._

Monica: Yeah, they've been planning it for weeks.

_Scene returns to Ross._

Ross: What?!

Monica (from phone) (slowly, enunciating): Yeah...they...have...been...plan...ning...it...for...weeks.

Ross: I wish people would stop doing that.

_Scene returns to Monica._

Monica: So? What's the big deal?

_Scene returns to Ross._

Ross: They're going out _alone _together? Like on a _date_?

_Scene returns to Monica._

Monica: They're not alone. There are _actors_.

_Scene returns to Ross._

Ross: What is it with women and actors?

Monica (from phone): Okay, you know what I'm going to do?

Ross: What?

_Scene returns to Monica._

Monica: I'm going to get some window cleaner and a rag. _You_ should just trust Rachel.

_Scene returns to Ross._

Ross: Yeah, I guess.

Monica (from phone): Okay, Ross, I really can't talk right now, soap scum is getting all over the stove. Bye!

_Monica hangs up. Ross sets the phone down. Scene ends and opens at a party. Joey is leading Rachel towards a refreshment table. _

Rachel: Joey, I'm kin of tired.

Joey: Yeah, me too. Maybe we should- Ooh! Salami!

_Joey leans toward the refreshment table. Rachel takes out her cell phone and dials. Joey stands up with multiple slices of salami stuffed in his mouth._

Joey: What're you doing?

Rachel: I'm calling Ross.

_Joey swallows._

Joey: Why?

Rachel: I miss him. I want to go home.

_Rachel puts the phone to her ear. _

Rachel: Hello?

_Scene cuts to Ross, sitting on the couch in his apartment. _

Ross: Rachel?

Rachel (from phone): Hi, honey. I'm coming home.

_Ross silently pumps his fist, as in victory, and mouths "Yes!"_

Ross: Why? I thought you were having fun.

_Scene returns to Rachel._

Rachel: Well, yeah, I kind of am, but I miss you. I mean, we just started dating again, and I- Hello? Ross?

Joey: What happened?

_Rachel examines the phone screen._

Rachel: My phone died! We have to go home! Come on, Joey.

_Rachel grabs Joey's arm and tries to drag him away. Joey frantically grabs for more salami. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is sitting on the couch. There is a knock on the door. Ross sighs. There is another knock on the door. Ross stands up and begins walking to the door. There is another knock. _

Ross: I'm coming, I'm coming!

_Ross opens the door. Enter Rachel and Joey._

Ross: Rachel, you have a key.

Rachel (defensively): I know that.

Ross: Why did you hang up on me?

Rachel: I didn't, my phone died. I had to come home. Ross, I love you, I don't like going to parties without you.

Ross: I don't, either.

_Ross and Rachel kiss._

Joey: You two are so _needy_. Seriously, you can't spend an hour away from each other?

Rachel: Alright, goodnight Joey.

_Rachel begins to close the door._

Joey: Wait, don't leave me!

_Credits appear on the screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Chandler and Monica's living room. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. The phone rings. Phoebe answers it._

Phoebe: Hello?

Mike (from phone) (robotically): Hello, Phoebe.

**END OF SHOW**

A/N: I didn't mean for this to be a rerun, but it was either that or the first 37 words of a new episode. I just haven't had time to write. I spent three full das in a car, and the next three days at various theme parks, water parks, the Mall Of America (It was awesome). I'm sorry I couldn't post yesterday. The network connection wasn't working. Anyway, I really hope I'll be able to post a new episode!


	18. AU: The One With The Best Married Couple

A/N: I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday! I just got home from vacation and I haven't had any time to write. I hated posting another rerun, though, so this is something I wrote a while ago. It's what would happen if Joey and Rachel had stayed together, takes place somewhere in the tenth season. Phoebe and Mike are not together. I'll post the following episode of this AU the next time I'm not finished with an episode.

**PREVIOUSLY, ON FRIENDS:**

_Chandler and Monica's living room. Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting in a chair. Rachel is standing in the middle of the room next to Joey. Joey kneels and pulls out a ring._

Joey: Rachel, will you marry me?

_Scene is the same. _

Rachel: Joey…yes! Yes, I'll marry you.

_As soon as she says "yes", the camera shows Phoebe's face immediately converting to an expression of shock. Joey fumbles to put the ring on Rachel's finger and then stands up and kisses her. _

Joey: I love you.

Rachel: I love you, too.

_Chandler and Monica are the first to hug them, followed by Ross and a hesitant Phoebe. _

Monica: Let's get some champagne!

_She heads towards the kitchen._

Chandler: This is so great!

Rachel: I know.

_Monica begins to open a bottle of champagne. _

Chandler: You guys are going to make the best married couple ever.

_Monica's mouth pops open in surprise and foam erupts from the bottle. Theme song and title sequence play. _

_Chandler, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are seated in the living room. Phoebe is walking toward the kitchen, where Monica is. _

Phoebe: Monica, I need to talk to you on the balcony.

Monica: Okay.

_Monica begins to go to the balcony. _

Phoebe: Where are you going?

Monica: The balcony…

Phoebe: What, right now? I mean, we can wait awhile.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Okay, let's go.

_Phoebe leaves toward the balcony, followed by a confused Monica._

Phoebe: Okay, um…when Rachel sad yes, I felt…weird.

Monica: Weird how?

Phoebe: Like something was wrong.

Monica: Phoebe, nothing's wrong with two friends getting married. Look at me and Chandler.

Phoebe: Yeah… No, it's not the friend thing, more that…they aren't supposed to be together.

Monica: Joey and Rachel?

Phoebe: I mean, well, maybe Ross and Rachel belong together.

Monica: Phoebe, that was a really long time ago. They've moved on. This is what's happening now.

Phoebe: I don't know. It's just feels _wrong _to me.

Monica: Well, it's not. It feels right to me.

Phoebe: Yeah, well, you married Chandler.

Monica (angrily): Yes I did, and we belong together!

_Scene returns to living room, where the others can see Monica and Phoebe._

Joey: See Rache? They're already arguing about who gets to be your maid of honor.

_Scene ends and begins in Central Perk. All the friends are seated around the coffee table._

Monica: So, Chandler, what did you mean when you said Rachel and Joey would make the best married couple ever?

Chandler: I meant that I think that they would make the best married couple ever.

Monica: What about us?!

Chandler: Rachel and Joey, you will be the second best married couple ever!

Rachel: Why are we second?

Joey (whispering): Rachel, it's _Monica_.

Rachel: I'm just so happy to be half of the second greatest married couple ever!

Monica: You're lying, aren't you?

Chandler: Monica…

_Monica stands._

Monica: Chandler and I make a much better couple than you two!

Rachel (standing): Excuse me?

Monica: Even Phoebe thinks so!

Rachel: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Rachel, I do not think that. I would never say a couple was worse than Chandler and Monica.

Monica: Will you quit it! We make a great couple! We belong together! We're _soulmates_!

Chandler: Yes, that's right honey, but could you sit down? People are staring.

Monica: They should! Everybody wants to look at the best couple in the world! Go on! _Look _at us!

Chandler: Monica, sit down.

Monica: I'm not sitting down until Rachel admits that Chandler and I make a better couple than her and Joey.

Chandler: Rachel, please?

Rachel: No! It's not true!

Monica: Yes it is!

Rachel: No it isn't!

Monica: Is!

Rachel: Isn't!

Monica: Is!

Rachel: Isn't!

Joey: Okay, okay, I know a way we can decide!

Monica and Rachel: What?

Joey: Both of you kiss me, and then both of you kiss Chandler, and then we decide which of you we wanted to kiss the most!

Rachel: Ew, I'm not kissing Chandler!

Phoebe: Good choice.

Monica: I say we do it!

Chandler: What?!

Monica: Chandler and I are the best couple ever and we're going to prove it!

Chandler: But you can't prove anything if both people aren't present, can you?

Monica: No, Chandler!

Chandler: Coming!

_Chandler runs out of the door._

Monica: Chandler!

_Monica and Rachel sit down. _

Rachel (whispering to Joey): We're the best couple.

Monica: I heard that!

_Scene ends. Scene begins in Monica and Chandler's bedroom. Monica is in bed and Chandler is putting on his pajamas. _

Monica: We're the best couple, right?

Chandler: Monica, will you please drop it?

Monica: But- but Chandler, it's just…I'm sort of afraid that we aren't close enough anymore. I mean, how could you think that I would be okay with you thinking that we aren't the best couple?

Chandler: Monica, of course we're close enough. And we _are _the best couple. I was being there for my two friends, because it was their big night.

Monica: Yes, but, remember when we got engaged? Rachel and Ross were kissing in the hall?

Chandler: Of course I remember. That was one of the best nights of my life.

Monica: Awww…too late. Anyway, remember how I told her that I was going to steal her thunder on her engagement night?

Chandler: Yes.

Monica: It's just that, well, I didn't. And I…I _want _to be the best couple.

Chandler: We are.

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: Goodnight. I love you.

_Chandler climbs into bed._

Monica: Night. Love you, too.

_Scene ends and begins in Phoebe's apartment. She is sitting alone at the table with a glass of wine._

**FLASHBACK SERIES:**

_Rachel runs into Central Perk wearing a wedding dress. Monica introduces her to Joey._

_Rachel and Joey are sitting on the couch in Central Perk._

_Joey proposes to Rachel and she says yes._

_Joey winks at Phoebe as he leaves Monica and Chandler's apartment._

_Joey gives Phoebe the perfect kiss outside of Central Perk._

_Joey proposes to Phoebe and she says yes…_

**END OF FLASHBACK**

_Phoebe jerks out of her memories._

Phoebe: Oh my god…


	19. The One With The Parents

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Ross and Joey are sitting in the two chairs at the end tables. Phoebe is sitting in the armchair._

Monica: I'm so glad that we all finally ended up with somebody. We're all together with someone we love.

Joey: Hey, what about me?

Monica: I'm sorry, Joey, I just didn't think that you ever wanted to end up with somebody. I thought you wanted to stay single.

Joey: Well, maybe I should settle down. Maybe it's time to grow up.

_Joey looks over his shoulder._

Joey: Ooh, they just restocked the muffin tray!

_Joey stands up. Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Chandler is answering the front door. Enter Mike._

Mike: Hey, Chandler.

_Chandler raises his right arm, as if to offer Mike a high-five._

Chandler: Mike!

_A pause._

Chandler: Why did I do that?

Mike: Anyway, you know how Phoebe's pregnant?

Chandler(sarcastically): You're kidding!

Mike: Yeah, well, she wants me to talk with another dad about parenting before the baby comes.

Chandler: Ross is a dad.

Mike: Yeah, but I wanted to speak with someone who had a boy and a girl.

Chandler: Ross has a boy and a girl.

Mike: Chandler, what's wrong with me talking to you?

Chandler: Nothing, it's just that I don't think I'm as good of a father as Ross is.

Mike: Sure you are.

Monica (from the other room): Chandler, where's Jack?

Chandler (to Monica): No idea! Check the dishwasher!

Mike: So, can I ask you some questions?

Chandler: I guess you can ask one question.

Mike: Really?

Chandler: There's your one question. Goodbye.

Mike: Seriously.

Chandler: Why does everybody keep asking me for seriousness? I CANNOT GIVE SERIOUS ADVICE!

Mike: Okay, can I just ask my questions?

Chandler: Yeah.

Mike: What is it like caring for your wife during the pregnancy?

Chandler: I don't know, I wasn't there for that part. Next question.

Mike: What is it like in the delivery room, when your wife is screaming at you but you can't leave?

Chandler: Nope, I didn't do that either.

Mike: How do you change a diaper?

_A pause._

Chandler: See, I told you you should talk to Ross!

_Scene ends and opens in Mike and Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch. _

Rachel: So, Ross took me out to this really romantic dinner on a ferry last night.

_A pause._

Phoebe: What did you talk about with your friends when you were with Barry?

Rachel: Mostly shoes… So, I was wondering if you wanted to borrow some of my old maternity clothes.

Phoebe: Well, all of your maternity clothes was originally mine, so…yeah.

Rachel: Alright, I'll bring it over.

Phoebe: Ooh! Wouldn't it be cool if we kept switching the clothes every time one of us was pregnant?

Rachel: Yeah, okay, you might be keeping those clothes for a while.

Phoebe: Anyway, do you mind if I ask you some questions about being a mother?

Rachel: Sure, as long as you don't mind being taught about motherhood by…me.

Phoebe: Come on, you know stuff.

Rachel: Please! Joey and I are at the bottom of the totem pole of… smartness?

Phoebe: Yeah, I think it's smartness.

Rachel: Smartitude?

Phoebe: Intelligence! Anyway, you know about being a mother.

Rachel: I guess.

Phoebe: Does your husband really take care of your every need?

Rachel: I don't know. I wasn't married when I had Emma.

Phoebe: Okay, did it feel really weird after Emma was born and you weren't pregnant anymore?

Rachel: Yeah, I guess, but I'm not sure. I wasn't really paying attention, I mean, Joey proposed to me.

Phoebe: Oh, right. Okay, then, what is it like when you have a newborn suddenly enter your family?

Rachel: I don't know Phoebe, I don't really have a family.

Phoebe: Yeah, actually, my situation is different than yours was. Maybe I should talk to Monica.

Rachel: Yeah, but, Pheebs, she didn't do it your way either, remember? She and Chandler adopted.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, I was trying to remember why there aren't any pictures of Monica pregnant.

Rachel: Phoebe, you're the first one in the group to actually do this the typical way.

Phoebe: Oh my god… I have no one to go to for advice!

Rachel: Yeah, but, Phoebe, it's okay, it's new and exciting!

Phoebe: I guess so. Plus, now I can give you advice when you and Ross are married and have another kid.

Rachel: Whoa, Phoebe! Slow down! Come on, it's not like I'm some robot with no issue with commitment at all! I'm not ready to be talking about getting married!

Phoebe: Oh, well, I just thought, you know, that you and Ross were sort of…definite.

Rachel: Well, sure, I can see why you would think that, but, you know, who knows what will happen? Maybe I'll end up with Joey! Or maybe Chandler! Nothing is set in stone.

_Rachel stands up._

Phoebe: Okay, Rache, I'm sorr-

Rachel: I can just go with the flow! I don't have to be pinned down on a set course.

Phoebe: Sure, I wasn't-

Rachel: Whatever's gonna happen is…gonna happen, you know?

Phoebe: Yeah, I didn't-

Rachel:_ Que sera, sera._

Phoebe: Exactly.

Rachel: Okay, then.

_Rachel exits. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is standing in the kitchen. Enter Mike._

Mike: Hey, Ross.

Ross: Hi!

Mike: You've got a son, right? Ben?

Ross: Yes, what did he do? I promise, I can pay for it!

Mike: No, he didn't do anything, I just wanted to speak with you about being a father.

Ross: Oh. Okay. You want my advice? You and Phoebe aren't ready to have kids.

Mike: Ross, Phoebe is already pregnant.

Ross: Oh yeah… okay, never mind.

Mike: Look, can I ask you some questions?

Ross: Sure.

Mike: What-

_Enter Rachel, running._

Rachel: Ross!

Ross: Uh, hi, Rache.

Rachel (out of breath): I have to talk to you… in the hall.

Ross (confused): Yeah, sure.

_Rachel and Ross exit. Scene follows them to the hallway._

Ross: Rachel, what's wrong?

Rachel: Nothing! I'm fine.

Ross: Then what-

Rachel: I have an idea… that I thought of.

Ross: Wha- are you drunk?

Rachel: No! No, I- okay, maybe a little.

Ross: What's going on?

Rachel: Okay, I think that we should never get married!

Ross: What? Rachel, why not?

Rachel: I just don't think we need to you know, I mean, come on, it's us.

Ross: I still want to get married.

Rachel: Alright, then, that's okay.

Ross: Wha- Rachel?

Rachel: Yes, I'm freaking out! I'm not ready!

Ross: That's fine! I'm not asking you to be ready.

Rachel: Well, I'm not!

Ross: Okay, then!

Rachel: Okay.

_Rachel and Ross kiss. A pause._

Mike (through the door): You know, I'm still here.

_Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Monica is sitting on the couch. She is holding Jack. Enter Chandler._

Chandler: Do you think I'm a good parent?

Monica: Well, that depends, where's Erica?

Chandler: I thought you had her!

Monica: I do. She's in the bassinet.

Chandler: Oh-

Monica: You're a great dad, Chandler.

Chandler: Really?

Monica: Well, actually-

Chandler: Okay, okay! I'm not a bad parent, though, right?

Monica: Maybe you should ask Jack.

_Monica holds Jack towards Chandler._

Chandler: He can't talk.

Monica: Exactly.

Chandler: Monica, it's okay if you don't think I'm a really good father. I just want to get better, and learn to be a really good father.

Monica: Really, Chandler?

Chandler: No! Lie! Praise me! Build me up! Give me false confidence! I don't care! You're just supposed to make me feel better!

Monica: But you're my rival.

_A pause._

Chandler: What?

Monica: Nothing.

Chandler: You're competing with me?

Monica: No.

Chandler: Monica!

Monica: I mean, not really, you know, we're a team! I just want to be the best player.

Chandler: You're _against _me?

Monica: It's not like I want Jack and Erica to dislike you… I just want them to like me more.

Chandler: Okay, I know you're super competitive, but this is just too far!

Monica: But competitive parenting is the only kind I'm good at! Competing just comes naturally.

Chandler: You can't compete for our children's love.

Monica: I know that. I'm sorry!

_A pause._

Monica: You know, I only get competitive if I'm losing.

Chandler: Really?

Monica: Yeah.

Chandler: I love you.

Monica: I love you, too.

_Monica and Chandler kiss. Exit Chandler._

Monica (to Jack): Mommy's still your favorite, right?

_Scene ends and opens in Joey's apartment. Joey is sitting on the couch, holding a book (The Little Engine That Could) that he is reading aloud to the stuffed penguin, Hugsy, sitting on the couch beside him._

Joey (reading from the book): I think I can, I think I can, I think I-

_Enter Phoebe. Joey, embarrassed, throws Hugsy behind the couch and pretends to read the book silently to himself. _

Phoebe: Hi, Joey.

Joey: Hey, Pheebs.

_Joey puts the book on the table next to the couch. _

Joey: I was just sitting here…reading…by myself.

Phoebe: Can I talk to you?

Joey: You already are.

Phoebe: Oh, no, this is why I didn't ask Chandler!

Joey: It's okay, I'll be serious. What's up?

Phoebe: Well, with the baby coming, I-

Joey: Wait, you're not thinking of leaving Mike, are you?

Phoebe: No, of course not!

Joey: Okay.

Phoebe: Anyway, being pregnant-

Joey: You're not getting rid of the baby, are you?

Phoebe: Wha- no, Joey!

Joey: Okay.

Phoebe: So, I don't know-

Joey: Wait-

Phoebe: Okay, what is it now?

Joey: Can you get me some chips?

Phoebe: You know, I'm just going to go talk to Mike.

_Phoebe begins to exit._

Joey: Can you still get me some chips?

_Phoebe exits. Joey leans over the back of the couch._

Joey: I'm sorry, Hugsy.

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Phoebe, Mike, and Monica are sitting on the couch. Chandler and Joey are sitting in the chairs at the end table. Rachel is sitting in the armchair. Ross is standing behind her._

Phoebe: I don't know what else to do to feel prepared, so I'm just going to ask all of you: Are Mike and I ready for this baby?

Monica: Definitely.

Chandler: You guys will make great parents.

Joey: Yeah.

Rachel: Totally.

_A pause. Phoebe, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Mike, and Joey turn to Ross._

Ross: Oh, were we all supposed to answer?

_Credits appear on the screen. _

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Joey's apartment. Joey is sitting on the couch, reading a book (The Little Engine That Could) aloud to Hugsy the penguin, who is sitting next to him on the couch. _

Joey (reading the book): I think I-

_Enter Rachel._

Rachel: What's up, Joe?

_A pause. _

Joey (reading the book): Can, I think I can, I think I can…

**END OF SHOW**


	20. The One With All The Drama

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting in the armchair. Phoebe and Joey are sitting in the two chairs at the end table. _

Monica: Did you guys see that article in the newspaper about anagrams?

Rachel: Isn't that where you scramble up the letters to form words?

Monica: Yeah.

Joey: Oh, I read that. I'm "Binary Bio Jet I".

Chandler: What does that even mean?

Joey: I don't know, Ranch Bed Ling.

Chandler: Is that supposed to be an insult?

Joey: Maybe it is, Bland Chin Erg!

Phoebe: Ooh, you just got double-anagrammed!

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's living room. Joey and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Enter Monica with a plate of cookies. Monica sets the plate on the coffee table. Monica sits down._

Chandler: Your life changes so much after you have kids. It's like they control our life now.

Joey: Yeah, I know what you mean.

Chandler: What?

Monica: How?

Joey: Well, ever since I started taking care of Chick Jr. and Duck Jr., I feel like I haven't really had anytime on my own.

Chandler: Joey, you pour a cup of food in their bowl every morning, and then you throw away their newspapers on Saturday. You're missing about ten minutes of your life each week.

Joey: Well, I have a date tonight and I really don't want to leave them home alone. Can you guys, uh… what are they?

Monica: Birds?

Joey: Monica, birds can fly. Can you just pet-sit them for me?

Monica: Actually, Joey, Chandler and I sort of had a date-

Chandler: Monica! Chick and Duck Jr. are family. We can't turn them down like that!

Joey: You can have dinner at my house.

Monica: We were going to see a movie.

Joey: I've got a TV!

Monica: A movie in the theater.

Joey: Okay, I have all of the pirated movies that have come out before yesterday.

Monica: "Gardens in the Summer"?

Joey: Well, not the crappy ones! I've got the cool movies, with bombs, and skyscrapers, and guys with scary accents.

Chandler: So, you have _Die Hard_?

Joey: Yeah, that's basically it.

Monica: I'm sorry, Joey, but-

Chandler: We'll watch them.

Monica: Chandler! I really wanted to see this movie.

Chandler: The fact that you would put a motion picture before two family members in need astounds me.

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: You'll do it?

Monica: No, I was going to say I would go on the date myself, but then I realized that that would make me look pathetic, so fine, I'll go.

Joey: Thanks, guys.

Chandler: Hey, who's the date with?

Joey: This girl I met in acting class. She's a really good actress, too. She's the only one in the class that's better than me.

Chandler: Yeah, how many people are in your class, again?

Joey: Twenty-two. But, like, nineteen of them or something are still in high-school.

_Scene ands and opens in Mike and Phoebe's apartment._ _Phoebe is standing in the middle of the living room. Enter Mike from the kitchen. Phoebe kicks out suddenly. Mike sits down._

Mike: Phoebe, what's wrong?

Phoebe: The baby keeps kicking me!

Mike: And you're kicking it… back?

Phoebe: No, I'm just kicking whenever it kicks me. Maybe, if the baby knows how much I'm bothering the people around me, they'll stop kicking me.

Mike: Phoebe, that doesn't make any sense.

_Phoebe kicks Mike. Mike grimaces. Scene ends and opens in Joey's apartment. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch. They each have a glass of wine and a plate of Saltines in front of them._

Monica: How can _Joey _not have any real food in his apartment?

Chandler: Monica, he lives on Oreos.

Monica: There are Oreos here? I would have gotten those if I saw them!

Chandler: No, he ate them all.

Monica: Of course.

_Duck Jr. waddles past them._

Chandler: Look, Mon, I'm really sorry I didn't get to bring you on our date. I know it meant a lot to you.

Monica: No, it's fine. I actually kind of liked coming here. It reminded me of back before we were dating, even before Ross and Rachel were dating, you know, when we were all just… friends. When did things get so complicated?

Chandler: I believe it was around the time that Rachel ran into Central Perk wearing a wedding dress.

Monica: Oh my god, I remember that! Wow…

Chandler: Yeah.

Monica: We should get some photo albums out.

Chandler: Or… we could go and get some Oreos from Ross and Rachel's apartment!

Monica: Ooh, yeah, I like that idea.

_Scene ends and opens at a table in a restaurant. Joey is sitting at the table with a girl. They both have a nearly empty plate of food._

Joey: So, Alison, where did you grow up?

_A pause._

Alison (dramatically): Oh, it was a _terrible _place, full of weeds and robbery! The winters were cold, the summers were unbearable! I was an orphan at the age of nine!

_Alison stands up._

Alison (dramatically): My childhood ruined my adult life, weighing my down with all of my past mistakes and regrets! No!

_Alison sinks to the floor._

Joey: I was kind of just looking for a state.

_Alison returns to her seat._

Alison (coldly): Maine.

Joey: So, uh… how did you like your dinner?

Alison (dramatically): It was delicious!

_Alison stands up._

Alison (dramatically): Tell the chef! This is the best combination of fantastic flavor I've had in all my life! It's magnificent!

_Alison returns to her seat. Scene ends and opens in the lobby of a restaurant. Rachel is speaking with a man (the maitre d')._

Rachel: I'm here with a man, Ross, he had a baby with him…

Maitre D': Oh, yes, your husband just arrived a few minutes ago-

Rachel: Excuse me?

Maitre D': I'm sorry, I-

Rachel: Why would you assume that he was my husband?

Maitre D': Well, I-

Rachel: I'm not married! I am perfectly happy just having a boyfriend. Yes, we have been married, and we have a lot of history, but Ross is not my husband!

Maitre D': I'm sorry, ma'am, I didn't know.

Rachel: Well, now you do. I am not tied down, I have no obligations- I could break up with him right now!

Maitre D': Well, I'm not asking you to-

Rachel: I could break up with him and ask you out! I'm not married! I could go out with you!

Maitre D': Actually, ma'am, I am married-

Rachel: Well, see, we would make a horrible couple, because we have nothing in common!

Maitre D': Yes, ma'am.

_Joey enters from behind the maitre d'._

Joey: Rachel?

Rachel: Joey! Hi, Joey! (to maitre d') This is also a man who is not my husband!

Joey: Rachel, what's wrong?

Rachel: Nothing! Nothing at all! Especially not dating and not getting married! There is nothing wrong with that! Do you know what? He thinks that I need to get married!

Maitre D': I never said that!

Joey: Rache, maybe we should go for a walk.

Rachel: Yes! A walk! Something that unmarried people and married people can do, but I am not married!

_Rachel and Joey exit. Scene follows them to the street._

Joey: Rachel, what's wrong?

Rachel: Nothing! Nothing at all! Especially not dating and not getting married! There is-

Joey: Yeah, you already said that crazy-lady line. Seriously, what's up?

Rachel: The sky!

_Rachel slaps her knee and laughs loudly._

Joey: Are you drunk?

Rachel: No, I'm scared!

_Rachel hugs Joey._

Joey: Don't worry, I'm here, I'm not going to let any bums attack you-

Rachel: Not of New York! Of getting married!

Joey (sarcastically): Oh, yeah, well I _never _would have guessed that.

Rachel: Is it that obvious?

Joey: You yelled at a maitre d' for assuming that the man you were eating dinner with, who was also the father of your child, was your husband.

Rachel: Well, I have issues with commitment.

Joey: Since when?

Rachel: Since I started thinking about committing with Ross.

Joey: Look, I'm sure you'll get over it. You've married him once before!

Rachel: I was drunk!

Joey: There you go!

Rachel: Joey, we were in Vegas.

Joey: I won't say no to that either.

Rachel: Look, how come we're even talking about me and Ross getting married?

Joey: Well, you've been dating for a while, and… it's _Ross_.

Rachel: Yeah…

Joey: Listen, you have to get over this. You and Ross are getting married. It's going to happen. If you let this stop you, you'll never be happy. Do you want to be happy?

Rachel (angrily): I _am_ happy.

Joey: So, are you ready to go eat with Ross?

_Rachel sighs._

Rachel: Yeah.

Joey: Good, because the muffin place closes in ten minutes.

Rachel: Didn't you have a date?

Joey: No!

_Joey exits. Scene ends and opens in the restaurant lobby. Ross is holding Emma, speaking with the maitre d'._

Ross: Has Rachel Greene come yet?

Maitre D': Yeah, but I think she left. You weren't planning to propose to her, were you?

Ross (angrily): Why is it that just because I've been married three times everyone assumes that I'll ask a girl to marry me after a few months?! I don't go that fast _all _the time! Can't you all just LET IT GO?!

_Ross storms out. Scene follows him to the street. He sees Rachel._

Ross: Rachel!

Rachel: Oh, hi, Ross. Hey, are you ready to get married?

Ross: No, I'm sorry, Rache, this time I'm going at a normal speed.

Rachel: Oh, those are the words I've always wanted to hear!

_Rachel and Ross kiss. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Phoebe is standing behind the couch. Enter Monica. Phoebe kicks._

Monica: Phoebe, what are you doing?

Phoebe: The baby is kicking and it hurts!

Monica: Well, don't take it out on everyone else! Your fetus, your problem.

Phoebe: It doesn't get that it's annoying other people!

Monica: Phoebe, it's not born yet. It's not even fully formed.

Phoebe (to her belly): She doesn't mean that, sweetie. You understand me, don't- Ow! Cut it out, you little tapeworm!

Monica: Pheebs, it's kicking, but it's still your child.

Phoebe: Yeah, well, I've had three in there, and the baby thinks that they know everything. (to her belly) I know what you're thinking, baby, I know _everything_!

Monica: Okay, Phoebe, people are staring, maybe we should go up to Joey's apartment.

_Phoebe and Monica exit. Credits appear on the screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Joey's apartment. Chandler and Phoebe are in the kitchen. Phoebe kicks Chandler._

Chandler: Ow! I thought you said the baby stopped kicking!

Phoebe: Yeah, but that didn't stop kicking you from being fun.

**END OF SHOW**


	21. The One With Ross's Movie

_Scene opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Ross is standing in the kitchen. Joey is sitting on the couch, holding a calculator. _

Joey: Hey, I can spell words if I type in the right numbers and turn it upside down.

Ross: Cool.

Joey: Look!

_Joey turns the calculator upside-down._

Joey (reading the calculator screen): Hello.

Ross: Joey, can you keep it down? I'm trying to make dinner.

Joey: Aw, there's nothing I can use to make a "w".

_Ross looks at the calculator. _

Ross: Joey, that calculator had alphabet buttons.

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross, Mike, and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Rachel is standing in the kitchen. The door opens. Enter Monica and Chandler, with a double stroller for Jack and Erica._

Rachel: Hi, guys!

_Rachel and Monica hug. Chandler closes the door. He puts the stroller against the wall. _

Monica: Chandler! Are you just going to leave them there all night?

Chandler (sarcastically): No, I was planning to move them around all night so they have a panorama of the entire apartment.

Monica: Come on, everyone's going to want to hold them.

Ross: I'm good.

Phoebe: Yeah, I don't need to hold the babies.

Mike: Me neither.

_A pause._

Monica: Rachel?

Rachel: Well, I have a baby of my own. I don't need to hold yours.

Monica: What? They aren't cute anymore? Just because they aren't helpless lumps?

Rachel: No, it's not…that, Monica, it's just…um…see, well…

_There is a knock at the door._

Rachel: Joey's here!

_Rachel opens the door. Enter Joey and Erin._

Rachel: Hi, Joey!

Joey: Hey, Rache. This is Erin. I met her in acting class.

_Monica leans down and begins playing with Jack and Erica._

Rachel: Joey, we said just the six of us!

Joey: Mike's here!

Rachel: What?

_Rachel turns around._

Rachel: Mike, get out!

Phoebe: Rachel!

Joey: Yeah, come on, Rachel.

Chandler: Rules are rules, Joey. Mike, Erin, you have to leave.

Rachel: Chandler, why do you care?

Chandler: Well, I don't care about Mike, but Joey's always got a girlfriend! I finally got married and Joey's _still _better than me!

Monica: Excuse me?

Chandler: Better than _me_, not better than you. Nobody's better than you, Monica. I love you!

Monica: Hm.

_Monica returns to Playing with the twins._

Erin: I don't want to be rude or anything, but I kind of want to come in.

Mike: Yeah, and I'm staying.

Rachel: Fine. I knew this whole thing would blow up in my face. At least everyone is here.

Chandler: Yeah, Rachel, I have to go-

Rachel: NO! Sit! Nobody leaves!

_Chandler sits in a seat at the table. Joey closes the door. Joey and Erin enter the kitchen. Rachel sits on the couch. Scene ends and opens, action is continuous. Monica walks towards Joey, who is standing by the window._

Monica: Hey, Joey?

Joey: Yeah?

Monica: You still think that Jack and Erica are cute, right?

Joey: Who?

_Monica screams._

Monica: Nobody likes my kids anymore!

Erin: Well, _I _think they're adorable.

Monica: I love you!

Chandler: Great, I married a lesbian.

Ross: Join the club.

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Action is continuous. Rachel and Monica are in the kitchen._

Rachel: Monica?

Monica: What?

Rachel: Do you think I'm just a really bad hostess? Is that why everything went wrong? Will I ever be as good as you?

Monica: No.

Rachel: _Monica_!

Monica: It's true! You're not a _bad _hostess, but you'll never be as good as me. No. You guys have already taken away my children; you _will not _take away my hosting abilities! I'm the best!

Rachel: Okay, okay, Mon, calm down. Do you think I can get any better?

Monica: Well, Rachel, anything would be better than tonight.

_A pause._

Rachel: All you do is make me feel bad. I'm going to go talk to the new girl.

_Rachel leaves Monica. Scene follows her to Erin, who is standing by the door._

Rachel: Hi, Erin.

Erin: Oh, hi! You're Rachel, right?

Rachel: Yeah. So, how long have you known Joey?

Erin: A few months, but we've been dating for… how long has it been since I got here?

Rachel: Never mind. Do you like Joey?

Erin: Oh, yeah, he's really sweet, it's just…

Rachel: What? The eating thing?

_Camera shows Joey in the background, trying to eat a whole hot dog in one bite._

Rachel: Because you'll get over that, trust me.

Erin: No, it's more that… he's not very good at expressing his emotions.

Rachel: Erin, how many men have you gone out with?

Erin: No, I know, but, it's just with me. Look.

_They turn to Joey. He is watching the football game on TV from behind the couch. A touchdown (assumedly) is made. Joey cheers and yells, high-fiving Mike and Ross. Joey turns to Erin. His face is blank._

Erin: See?

Rachel: Yeah, that is weird. I've never seen him act that way with a girl.

Erin: Oh, so, there have been a lot of girls.

Rachel: Ah, well, see, um… Coming, Monica!

_Rachel exits to the kitchen. Scene ends and opens in the kitchen. Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, Mike, Erin, Joey, Ross, and Rachel are seated around the table. They each have a salad, except for Joey, who is eating another hot dog._

Chandler: So, Erin, you're an actress. Have you been in anything that we would have heard of?

Erin: Well, not yet, but I just finished filming a movie that's supposed to be really big in theaters.

Rachel: Really? What's it about?

Erin: It's called, "The Paleontologist." It's like, the life story of this guy, Rob, and it starts out in his childhood. He has a lot of challenges, like he's got a really fat sister, and a huge crush on his sister's best friend, Rebecca, and all of the kids at school tease him because he plays with dinosaur toys all of the time. Then, it kind of follows him to his adulthood, and he becomes a paleontologist, and he hangs out with his friends every night, and then he runs into Rebecca again, who I play, and the whole story kind of becomes a romance, with all the drama about him dating Rebecca, and they fight, and go on a break, and in the end, you know, it's a happy ending, he marries Rebecca, they have kids, and a good life, but then he dies in a subway crash and Rebecca has to move on without him, so it goes through his whole life. It's really a good movie, kind of a tear-jerker at the end.

Monica: Yeah, sounds like it.

_Camera pans to Ross, who is gaping in surprise. Scene ends and opens on the balcony. Ross and Rachel are standing on the balcony. _

Rachel: So, would you want to see that movie Erin was talking about? I thought you might like the whole paleontologist thing.

Ross: Rachel, that's my movie!

Rachel: What? Oh, Ross, you're not going to go all, "I created 'got milk'" again, are you?

Ross: I did! No, not that, I'm saying that that movie is my life!

Rachel: What? Just because he's a paleontologist, Ross-

Ross: No, look, _Rebecca_, (begins counting on his fingers) he's got a fat sister, he plays with dinosaur toys, he goes on a break with his girlfriend-

Rachel: Ross, we never went on a break.

Ross: WE WERE ON A BREAK!

_Scene cuts to the apartment. Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, Mike, Joey, and Erin are in the living room, looking out the window at Ross shouting at Rachel._

Phoebe: What is he yelling?

Chandler: "We were on a break."

Monica: Honey, you can read lips?

Chandler: No, it's Ross.

_Scene returns to Rachel and Ross on the balcony._

Ross: I'm sorry.

Rachel: That's okay, just so long as you know that I am right and you are wrong.

Ross: I know.

Rachel: Even about this movie.

Ross: No. Rache, come on, this is a sign!

Rachel: For what?

Ross: That I'm going to die in a subway crash!

Rachel: Ross, come on, this movie has nothing to-

_A pause._

Rachel: Oh my god!

Ross: See? It's horrible.

Rachel: Oh my god, we're going to get married!

Ross: I know, it's- what? You're worried about getting married? I'm going to die!

Rachel: Well, Ross, _everyone's _going to die.

Ross: In a _subway_?

Rachel: Well, if you think about it, it's actually a very noble way to die, you know, depending on where you were going.

_Ross shakes his head. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Erin and Rachel are standing in the kitchen, looking at Joey, who is standing near the window eating his third hot dog._

Erin: I think I know what I'm going to do to get some emotion out of him.

Rachel: What? What are you going to do?

Erin: I'm going to take his hot dog.

Rachel: Oh my god, Erin, don't do that. Please, it's suicide.

Erin: What? It's just a hot dog.

Rachel: He stole some little kid's cotton candy the last time we took him to the zoo. They kicked us out!

Erin: I just want to know that I mean something to him.

Rachel: If you steal his food, you'll just be known to him as "girl who took my hot dog, must attack now".

Erin: See? That's the problem. He's a robot!

Rachel: No, he's not! Just wait, he'll warm up to you. But don't _ever _take Joey Tribbiani's food.

Erin: I don't care. Hate is passionate.

_Erin begins walking towards Joey._

Rachel: So you want your date to hate you? (sarcastically) Yeah, Erin, real smart.

Erin: Hey, Joey.

Joey (with his mouth full): Hey, Erin.

_Erin grabs his hot dog, takes a bite of it and swallows. Joey's eyes widen._

Chandler: Oh my god!

Erin: Yeah, Joey, I took your hot dog. What does that make you want to do?

_A pause._

Joey: It makes me want to do this!

_Joey grabs Erin and kisses her._

Rachel: Okay, I definitely want her to play me.

Erin: What?

Rachel: Never mind.

_Joey and Erin kiss again. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment._ _Monica, Chandler, Rachel, and Ross are helping clean up the apartment. Jack and Erica are in the stroller in the corner._

Rachel: So, do you think my attempt at hosting was a success?

Monica: Well…

Chandler: Um…

Ross: Eh…

Rachel: More or less.

Monica: Oh, definitely!

Chandler: Perfect.

Ross: I love you!

Monica: I just can't believe that nobody took Jack and Erica out of the stroller. They stayed in that thing all night.

Rachel: Mon, you know, you could have taken them out.

_A pause._

Monica: Well, I see them every day…and…'cause, it's not like I don't…Chandler didn't take them out either! I mean, you can't blame one person for not doing something, it just doesn't make sense.

Ross: She has a point.

Chandler: Yeah, but Monica, that still doesn't mean that you took them out.

Monica: Um, Chandler? Who asked you?

Chandler: I just-

Monica: Bye!

_Monica begins dragging Chandler out of the door._

Chandler: Yeah, okay, bye, Ross! Bye, Rachel!

_Monica and Chandler exit. Monica closes the door. A pause. Monica reenters, grabs Jack and Erica's stroller, maneuvers it out the door quickly and embarrassedly and exits. _

Rachel: Wow, some mother.

_A pause._

Ross: Rachel, where's Emma?

_Credits appear on screen. _

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Mike and Phoebe's bedroom. Phoebe is sitting with her legs crossed on the bed. Mike is standing near the dresser._

Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, Mike, the baby's kicking! Come rub my belly!

Mike (climbing up on the bed): Okay, Buddha.

_Mike feels her stomach._

Mike: Oh my god…

Phoebe: I know! That's our baby, Mike.

Mike: Yeah. Yeah it is.

_Mike looks at Phoebe. They kiss._

**END OF SHOW**

A/N: I really like the credits scene in this one. Usually, they're plain humor, but this one was sweet. I know it sounds crazy, but I'm really excited about Mike and Phoebe having a baby! That's just how invested in characters I get. Thank-you, loyal readers, for coming back here every week. End of the season's coming soon, but don't worry. Season 12 begins in November!!!


	22. The One With Phoebe's Ultrasound

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Monica, Rachel, and Ross are sitting on the couch. Joey is sitting in the armchair._

Rachel: Where's Chandler?

Monica: At home, watching TV. He doesn't want to go to work because he thinks the copy machine is going to break, and he doesn't want to fix it.

Rachel: Well, has he called in sick yet?

Monica: No, he wanted me to do it for him for some reason.

_Monica sighs and takes out her cell phone. She dials and puts it to her ear. A pause. Monica holds her nose to adjust her voice._

Monica (on the phone, imitating Chandler's voice): Hello, it's Chandler Bing. I can't come into work today , I have a cold.

Boss (from the phone): Wow, I feel so bad for you. You got a cold the same week that your mother died _and _your wife was in that car crash?

_Monica rolls her eyes._

Monica (on the phone, imitating Chandler's voice): Yeah, well, I should have thought of this before I broke that mirror six years ago. Well, at least I'm almost done. Anyway, I'm definitely not going to be able to make it to work, due to my cold.

_Scene cuts to Chandler's boss. He is sitting at his desk, speaking on his desk phone._

Boss (on the phone): Your voice sounds different.

_Scene returns to Monica. A pause._

Monica (on the phone): That's because I have a cold.

Boss (from the phone): Oh, right, then. Never mind. Feel better.

_Chandler's boss hangs up. Monica returns her cell phone to her purse._

Joey: Why do people always say that they have a cold if someone calls them out on their voice?

Rachel: I know, it's such a cliché. Why can't they be more creative, like, "I did a lot of karaoke last night."

Joey: Yeah, or, "I was singing to deaf orphans." That'll make them really sympathetic.

_A pause._

Ross: With logic like that, how do you even know what "sympathetic" _means_?

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is standing in the kitchen. Enter Rachel, tired, still in her pajamas._

Ross: Morning, sleepyhead.

Rachel: Morning, annoying-head.

Ross: What?

Rachel: I just woke up! I don't know what I said.

_Ross turns away from the counter with a plate of toast and begins walking towards the table._

Rachel: Ross, you didn't have to make me breakfast!

_Rachel kisses Ross._

Rachel: You're so sweet!

_Rachel takes the plate of toast and sits at the table. Ross scowls, turns, walks back to the counter, and begins making his breakfast again. Enter Phoebe and Mike._

Phoebe: Hi!

Ross: Hi, Pheebs.

_Rachel grunts._

Phoebe: What's with her?

Ross (mockingly): She just woke up! She doesn't know what she said… breakfast stealer.

Phoebe: I'm getting an ultrasound today. We're going to find out the sex of the baby!

Ross: Oh, that's so great!

_Ross and Phoebe hug._

Rachel: Yeah, Pheebs, soon that thing will be kicking its way out of you. Do you know how common it is for women to die in childbirth?

_Ross walks over to Rachel._

Ross: I think somebody's being a grumparumpasauraus.

_Ross tucks Rachel's hair behind her ear._

Rachel (sarcastically): I think somebody better shut up about dinosaurs and stop touching me.

_Ross backs away from Rachel._

Phoebe: Well, Ross, wish me luck! And, um, Rachel…well, bye!

_Exit Phoebe and Mike. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's living room. Chandler is sitting in a recliner, watching television. The doorbell rings. _

Chandler: Come in!

Jim (Chandler and Monica's neighbor, through the door): But… it's locked!

Chandler: Okay, hold on!

Jim (through the door): Well, I can't really do anything else.

_Chandler stands up and walks to the door. He opens it._

Jim: Hi, Chandler.

Chandler: Hi…

Jim: The guys and I are having a barbeque and we wanted to invite you, you know, since you're kind of new and all.

Chandler: Yeah, okay. I…eat…barbeque. Where is it?

Jim: In my backyard, where else?

Chandler: Oh, yeah, okay…

Jim: It starts in an hour.

Chandler: Yeah, so, in an hour, I will… go to your backyard.

Jim: You do know that I live right next to you?

_Jim points to the right._

Chandler: Yeah, of course! I mean, just last night, my wife was saying, "We should really hang out with John more."

Jim: It's "Jim".

Chandler: I wasn't finished! And then I said, "Why would we hang out with John when we could be hanging out with Jim?"

Jim: Okay… uh… well, see you in an hour!

Chandler: Okay!

_Chandler closes the door. Scene ends and opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Joey is sitting at the table. Rachel and Monica are sitting on the couch, watching television. Monica's cell phone rings. She answers it. _

Monica (on the phone): Hello?

_Scene cuts to Chandler, talking on the phone._

Chandler (on the phone): You _cannot _let me talk to people.

_Scene returns to Monica, talking on the phone. _

Monica (on the phone): Chandler, what did you do this time?

_Scene cuts to Chandler._

Chandler (on the phone): Our neighbor Jim roped me into a barbeque.

_Scene returns to Monica, talking on the phone._

Monica (on the phone): So what? It's free food.

Joey: What?!

Monica (to Joey): Chandler was invited to a barbeque.

Joey: Can I be Chandler?!

Monica: What? Oh, here, Joey, you talk to him.

_Monica hands the cell phone to Joey. He holds it up to his ear. Scene cuts to Chandler, talking on the phone._

Chandler (on the phone): Joey?

Joey (from phone): Let me come! Let me come! Let me come!

Chandler (on the phone): Joey, you can't come, he's _my _neighbor.

_Scene returns to Joey, talking on the phone._

Joey (on the phone): So? You hang out with my neighbors!

_Scene cuts to Chandler, talking on the phone. _

Chandler (on the phone): Your neighbors are Rachel and Ross.

Joey (from the phone): And you hang out with them _all the time_.

_Scene cuts to Chandler, talking on the phone._

Chandler (on the phone): That's because they used to be my neighbors!

Joey (from phone): _Used _to, Chandler. And yet you still hang out with them, you know, you're a real hypocrite.

_A pause._

Chandler (on the phone): Fine, you can come. You better leave now, though.

Joey (from phone): Okay, let me just finish my sandwich.

Chandler (on the phone): Joey, you're going to a barbeque.

_Scene returns to Joey, talking on the phone. _

Joey (on the phone): Oh yeah… I can just eat it on the way. Okay, bye!

_Joey ends the call with Chandler and hands the phone to Monica._

Joey: Okay, I'm going to a barbeque!

_Exit Joey._

Rachel: He meant the same barbeque that Chandler's going to, right?

Monica: I hope so.

_Rachel returns to watching television. Monica begins doodling on a piece of paper. A long pause. Rachel leans over and looks at Monica's paper._

Rachel: Hey, what are you drawing?

_Monica snatches the piece of paper off of the table. _

Monica: Nothing!

Rachel: Monica, what was that?

Monica: It was nothing, it didn't matter.

_Rachel stands up._

Rachel: Monica?

Monica: What?

_Monica scrambles over the back of the chair and falls on the floor._

Rachel: Mon, _what _did you draw that you're trying to hide from me?

Monica: I didn't draw anything.

_A pause._

Rachel: Okay.

_Monica and Rachel sit down and return to watching television. Monica still has the piece of paper in her hand. A pause. Rachel leaps over the coffee table, grabs the piece of paper and runs out of the apartment, slamming the door. She leans against the door and unfolds the piece of paper._

Monica (from behind the door): Rachel! Let me out! Don't look at my drawing!

_Rachel studies the drawing. Her mouth drops open._

Rachel: Monica? Who is this woman in the wedding dress?

_A pause._

Monica (from behind the door): It's, um… me. When I had my second wedding. I wanted to draw a picture of it.

Rachel (sarcastically): See, that's funny, because I don't remember you being blond at your second wedding.

Monica (from behind the door): Well, I forgot to shade in my hair, and, you know, since it's just a black and white picture-

Rachel: It says "Rachel and Ross's Wedding" at the top!

Monica (from behind the door): Damn!

Rachel: Monica, why did you draw this?

Monica (from behind the door): I'll tell you if you let me out.

_Rachel opens the door. Monica enters the hallway and closes the door._

Rachel: So?

Monica: Okay, I didn't actually have anything.

Rachel: Monica, why would you do this? You know I'm really scared about committing right now.

Monica: I didn't mean for you to see it!

Rachel (sarcastically): Oh, so that's why you drew it in front of me on _my_ paper in _my_ apartment?

Monica: Rachel, I'm sorry!

Rachel: I don't want you to be sorry!

Monica: What?

Rachel: I want your help!

_Rachel hugs Monica._

Monica: Rachel…

Rachel: How did you get Chandler to marry you?

Monica: He thought I was pregnant!

_Rachel pulls away from Monica._

Rachel: Oh, what am I going to do?

Monica: Rachel, look.

Rachel: What?

Monica: Look at me.

_Rachel looks at Monica._

Monica: You want to know why you're so scared?

Rachel: Why?

Monica: You're a huge idiot!

Rachel: What?

Monica: You love Ross, you want to be with him forever, you've _always _been in love with him, and now you're afraid of making it official? Rachel, you're practically married to him already! What exactly are you afraid of?

Rachel: Well, you know…I…I don't want things to be different, I want them to stay the same.

Monica: Rachel, _nothing_ will change! Sure, you'll have a little extra weight on your finger, you might change your name.

_Rachel groans._

Monica: You'll have a lot of presents.

Rachel: You know, Monica, I think I'm starting to feel better about this whole thing. Thanks for your help.

Monica: So you're ready to, you know, say that you'll marry Ross?

Rachel: I think so.

Monica: Good, because I've already picked out your wedding present.

Rachel: See, I'm cured! That didn't scare me _at all_.

_Scene ends and opens in Jim's backyard. Joey and Chandler are walking through the gate. Jim approaches him._

Jim: Hey, Chandler! We're just getting started. I see you brought your friend.

Chandler: Friend? This is my wife!

_Jim looks uncomfortable._

Chandler: Oh, yeah, if you're living next to me, you're going to have to get used to that sort of stuff.

Jim: Okay…

_Exit Jim._

Chandler: Hey, why didn't you bring your girlfriend, Erin?

Joey: It's Ellie.

Chandler: Joey, it's Erin.

Joey: Oh yeah…

Chandler: Well, I was about to say how surprised I was that you had a relationship that had lasted for more than a week, but it's still not really a big accomplishment.

Joey: Huh? Ooh, steak sauce!

_Exit Joey. _

Chandler: And, I'm alone.

_Reenter Jim._

Jim: Hey, I know I should be out here hosting, but there's a "Baywatch Best Of" special on TV, and since you don't really seem to be a people person, I thought-

Chandler: Jim, I think that we're going to be excellent friends.

_Chandler and Jim exit. Scene ends and opens in a doctor's office. Phoebe is lying down on the ultrasound table. Mike is standing near Phoebe's head. The doctor is observing the ultrasound screen._

Doctor: There's a very strong heartbeat, their vitals are good… Mrs. Hannigan-

Phoebe: It's "Buffay-Hannigan".

Doctor: Okay, Mrs. Buffay-Hannigan, you have a _very _healthy baby.

Phoebe: Ooh, what kind is it?

Doctor: Excuse me?

Mike: What is the baby's gender?

Doctor: Are you ready to know if your baby is a boy or a girl?

_Phoebe nods and squeezes Mike's hand. Scene ends and opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and Ross are sitting at the kitchen table. Enter Phoebe and Mike._

Monica: Phoebe!

Ross: Pheebs!

Phoebe: Wow, I feel like a celebrity.

Rachel: Oh, sweetie, sorry, it's not you, it's the baby.

Phoebe: Cool, I've got someone popular growing inside of me!

Ross: So, what is it?

Monica: Yeah, is it a boy or a girl?

Phoebe: Well…

_A pause._

Phoebe: It's…a…

Rachel: Oh, Phoebe come on, it's killing us!

Phoebe: It's a boy!

Monica: Oh my god!

Rachel: Oh, Phoebe!

_Monica and Rachel hug Phoebe. A pause. Mike looks at Ross. Ross and Mike man-hug._

Ross (in a fake deep voice): Congratulations, man.

Mike (in a fake deep voice): Yeah, thanks.

_Credits appear on screen. _

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Jim's living room. Chandler and Jim are sitting on the couch, watching television._

Jim: Hey, it's getting pretty late. Isn't your friend going to wonder where you are?

Chandler: I doubt it.

_Scene cuts to Joey, sitting at a picnic table in Jim's backyard. He is alone, eating a hamburger, surrounded by empty paper plates. _

**END OF SHOW**

A/N: I'm so excited! The finale is in two weeks! It's going to be really important, so I want two weeks to write it. Plus, I wanted to post it during my birthday week. It just seems special that way. Don't worry, I won't leave you with some rerun. I'll post the second episode of the AU series about Rachel and Joey getting married. Thanks for sticking with me for almost an entire season! Be sure to check out Friends, Season 12 when I start it!


	23. AU: The One With The Maternity Clothes

_Scene in the hall in Monica's building, near her apartment. Phoebe is alone, running towards Monica and Chandler's apartment._

Phoebe: MONICA!!! MONICA!!!

_The door opens to reveal a disheveled and tired Monica. _

Monica: Phoebe, it's late. What do you want?

Phoebe: I figured out why I thought something was wrong with Rachel and Joey.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: I'm in love with Joey.

Monica: YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH JOEY?!

Chandler (from behind the door): You're in love with Joey?

_Rachel enters from the apartment across the hall._

Rachel: Hey, guys, I heard shouting. What's going on?

Monica: We were shouting because…Phoebe's pregnant!

Phoebe: Wha- yes. Yes, I'm pregnant.

Rachel: Whose baby is it?

Phoebe: Um, Regina and Bob Phalange's. Yeah, I'm doing the embryo host thing again.

Rachel: Oh my god, Phoebe, why didn't you tell us?

Phoebe: I was afraid that it wouldn't work out, and then I didn't want you to know, if it didn't.

Rachel: Oh, Phoebe…I've still got a lot of pregnancy stuff, if you want it.

Phoebe: Sure!

_Rachel exits._

Phoebe: What do I do?

Monica: Take the stuff…don't let her know the truth…and don't wake me up again.

_Monica exits. Theme song and title sequence plays. Scene opens at Central Perk, where all of the friends are seated. Rachel hands Phoebe a bag full of pregnancy things._

Rachel: Here, Phoebe, for…your friend Regina.

Phoebe: Thanks, yes, Regina is pregnant. She needs these things.

_Phoebe winks at Rachel._

Rachel: So, Monica, Joey and I were hoping you would help us plan our wedding.

Monica: Absolutely.

Rachel: Thanks so much, I-

Monica: We're going to need centerpieces, lilies, probably about seventy, more if we've got a definite amount of people coming, and for the tablecloths, well, lace is pretty, but you might want something a little more practical, and then we need to find a place, maybe a nice hotel, but somewhere big enough, with a huge chandelier in the ballroom, and then-

Rachel: Mon, Mon, we don't need to plan it _now_.

Monica: Oh. Okay…but we should really get sort of a rough basis, um, what do you guys want for the food?

Joey: Sandwiches.

Monica: What about centerpieces?

Joey: Sandwiches.

Monica: Okay, and where do want the wedding to be?

Joey: The Sandwich Islands. You know, the Bahamas.

Monica: Right…

Rachel: Monica, can I just enjoy my engagement now? We can think about the wedding later.

Monica: Fine.

Chandler: Sweetie, you'll get to plan her wedding. You'll get to plan lots of weddings, like maybe Phoebe's.

Phoebe: Rachel would be mad.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: That I got married before you. 'Cause, you know, I believe in eloping.

Rachel: Oh, I wouldn't be mad. I'd be happy for you.

Phoebe: Well, okay then, I didn't want to tell you guys, but…I got married last week!

Rachel: Phoebe, how could you?

Phoebe: See?

Rachel: Well, that doesn't mean anything! I was just surprised! But I'm happy for you!

Phoebe: It was Gunther.

Rachel: Phoebe! What were you thinking?

Phoebe: I was thinking…that…I'm…lying?

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Monica?

Monica: Um-

Phoebe: Come on!

_Phoebe and Monica stand up and exit to the street. Scene follows them._

Monica: Phoebe, I thought you were going to act cool.

Phoebe: Well, at least I didn't kill her, like you did with Chandler's ex-girlfriend!

Monica: What?! Phoebe, what are you talking about?

Phoebe: Hey! You can't blame me if sometimes I confuse movies and real life!

Monica: Look, what are you going to do? Really?

Phoebe: Now?

Monica: Yes, what are you going to do _now_?

Phoebe: I'm going to tell Joey how I feel.

Monica: Phoebe, you can't do that! Joey is engaged to Rachel, you can't mess that up!

Phoebe: Then, I'm going to forget about this and ignore my feelings.

Monica: You can't do that without giving you and Joey a chance! That's not fair to either of you! You deserve a happy ending, too.

Phoebe: What are you telling me to do, then?!

Monica: You- I don't know.

_A pause._

Monica: You know, Rachel doesn't really belong with Joey, we should really get Rachel and Ross together, that's what we'll do. First we have to break Joey and Rachel's engagement up- well, I guess we'll have to convince Ross that he belongs with Rachel before that-

Phoebe: Hey! Wait, you're just trying to come up with an idea so you can meddle, regardless of the consequences! You can't mess up people's lives like that, Monica Geller, no, not again! Not again!

_Phoebe reenters Central Perk. Monica follows her inside. Scene follows them._

Phoebe: Joey, I love you.

Joey: What?

Rachel: What?!

Chandler: WHAT?! Whoa! What was that? Wow, I did not see that coming! Wow. What a surprise!

Phoebe: Chandler, shut up. Nobody who's actually surprised talks like that.

Joey: Oh my god! Whoa! I didn't even see that coming. I'm shocked! Whoa!

Phoebe: Yeah, so… I just wanted to get that out there. So, then…

_Phoebe exits. Monica, Chandler, Rachel, Joey, and Ross are frozen in shock._


	24. The One With Gone With The Wind

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross, Monica, and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Chandler is sitting in the armchair. Phoebe and Joey are sitting in the two chairs at the end table. Ross sneezes._

Rachel: God bless you.

Ross: You know, why do people say that? It can be very offensive to some people. What if they don't believe in God? It's a very controversial issue.

_A pause. Phoebe sneezes._

Chandler: Gesundheit.

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Ross is sitting at the table. Enter Joey._

Ross: Hey, Joey.

Joey: Hi.

_Joey grins._

Ross: What-

Joey: Tickle attack!

_Joey launches himself at Ross and tickles him. _

Ross: Joey! Joe, stop! Joey, quit it! Cut it out!

_A black jewelry box falls out of Ross's pocket. Joey stops tickling Ross and picks up the box. _

Joey: Aw, when I did it to Chandler, I got two-fifty in quarters.

Ross: Joey, give that back.

Joey: Why? What is it?

_Joey moves toward the door. Ross stands up. _

Ross: Joey, give it back!

Joey: Not until you tell me what is in this box.

_A pause._

Ross: You know you can just open it, right? Wait, don't!

_Joey opens the jewelry box to reveal an engagement ring/_

Ross: Joey, listen-

Joey You're proposing _again_?!

Ross: Rachel is still asleep!

Joey: So?

Ross: So, I don't want her to know about this yet.

_Joey gasps._

Joey: You're not proposing to Rachel?

Ross: No, it's Rachel; I just don't want her to know yet! I want it to be a surprise.

Joey: Well, it'll be pretty surprising if she wakes up to me yelling it.

Ross: Just don't tell her, okay?

_Joey sighs._

Joey: Fine.

Ross: Okay, then.

_Ross reaches for the ring box. Joey holds sit out of his reach._

Joey: So, how are you going to do it?

Ross: I'm going to get down on one knee and say, "Will you marry me?" What other way is there to propose?

Joey: Oh, you know, putting it in a cupcake, hiding it under their pillow, putting it around a rose, stuff like that.

Ross: How do _you _even know all that stuff?

Joey: Look at me, Ross, I've been proposed to a few times.

Ross: Really?

Joey: No. Monica used to make me watch mushy romances while Chandler was in Tulsa.

Ross: So, you think I should do it differently?

Joey: Yeah, but it has to be special. Something that's significant to you and Rachel. Hm… I know! You can have "We were on a break!" inscribed on the ring!

Ross: See, now, Joey, when I ask her to marry me, I want her to say "yes".

Joey: Well, you asked for my advice, and that's it.

Ross: Sorry, but I think I'm going to go a different way.

Joey: Okay, but you'll feel sorry when you're divorced for the seventh time.

Ross: You know, I've only been divorced three times.

Joey: Yeah, we'll see. We'll see.

_Exit Joey. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Phoebe is sitting in the armchair. Enter Joey. Joey sits in the chair at the end table. _

Joey: Ross is going to pop the question.

Monica: Oh my god!

Chandler: I didn't know there was even question left to pop.

Phoebe: Ooh, how is he going to do it?

Joey: He said he was just going to get down on one knee and propose.

Phoebe: No, I mean, how is he going to get Rachel to say "yes"? I thought she was in that place where she has a breakdown if she even hears, sees, or thinks about marriage, weddings, spouses and anything remotely related to them.

Monica: Oh, yeah, I got her out of that.

Phoebe: Oh. That's good.

Chandler: So, this is a big step. They're the last ones to get married… and the first.

Joey: Hey, what about me? I'm still single!

Monica: Oh, honey, he meant the last ones of the people in the group who were married and Rachel and Ross.

Joey: Oh, okay. Never mind.

Phoebe: So, hey, do you know where he's going to do it?

Joey: Well, I would guess right in front of Rachel.

Phoebe: Oh, okay, well where will Rachel be then?

Joey: Probably in front of Ross.

Phoebe: Ah.

_Scene ends and opens in Chandler and Monica's living room. Chandler is sitting on the couch, holding Jack and Erica. Enter Monica. Monica sits in the couch next to Chandler._

Monica: How long has it been since we got married?

Chandler: The first or the second time?

Monica: The _first _time.

Chandler: Well, um-

Monica: You said "um"! You don't care about me! How could you have forgotten that our wedding was four years, two months, eighteen days, four hours, nine minutes, and thirteen seconds ago?

Chandler: Monica-

Monica: Fourteen. Fifteen. Sixteen. Seven-

Chandler: I know that it was about four years ago, I'm just not crazy enough to be able to answer the exact number f seconds like that!

Monica: Are you calling me crazy?

Chandler: I don't know. That depends.

Monica: On what?

Chandler: How you react when I tell you that I spilled juice on the carpet outside the kitchen.

Monica: What?!

_Monica jumps up and exits. Chandler grins. There is a knock on the door. Chandler, still holding Jack and Erica, goes to answer the door. He stands in front of the door. And stares at it, unsure of how to open the door without putting down Jack and Erica. He leans down and uses Jack's hand to unlock the door. _

Chandler: Come in!

_The door opens. Enter John, a large, muscular man. Chandler backs up. _

Chandler: I'm sorry, the puny guy that you could easily beat up is in the next house over.

John: I'm here to see my kids.

Chandler: What?

_John points to Jack and Erica._

John: You know that blond girl? Erica? Last seen pregnant? She was my girlfriend.

Chandler: Your girlfriend? She told me there wasn't anybody else!

John: You think you're funny?

_A pause._

Chandler: Yes.

John: I don't like funny.

Chandler: No, see, "yes" is… Norwegian for "not at all".

John: You insulting Europeans? My whole family is from Wales.

Chandler: Wales? Oh, that's cool, I speak Wale.

_Chandler begins making whale noises._

John: I will break you.

_Chandler coughs._

Chandler: No, it's just a nasty cold-

_Chandler coughs again._

Chandler: Monica!

_Chandler exits to the kitchen. John follows him, closing the door behind him. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike are sitting on the couch. Rachel is sitting in the armchair. Ross is sitting in one of the chairs at the end table._

Phoebe: I know, I'm happy that I'm having a boy, but I just feel kind of scared.

Mike: What do you mean, Pheebs?

Rachel: Yeah, what's wrong with having a little boy?

Phoebe: I just feel like there's so much that I've never done, and now I only have a few months to do it before he's born.

_Rachel laughs._

Rachel: Phoebe, you're having a son, not dying.

Ross: Okay, Rachel, I'm going to stop you right there. You don't have a son. You don't know what it's like.

Rachel: Well, yeah, but it can't be anything like dying.

Ross: Yeah, ask Carol that. Have you ever noticed that I have Ben a lot more than she does? That's not custody, that's her forcing the little monster on me while she struggles at her last attempt to have a life.

_Enter Ben, running, from the door leading to the apartment building._

Ben: Hi, Dad!

Ross: Hey, little dude! Why don't you go back upstairs?

Ben: Okay!

_Exit Ben._

Ross: See? He's a nightmare!

Rachel: Ross, I think you're exaggerating.

_Reenter Ben._

Ben: Aunt Rachel?

_Rachel whips her head away from Ben, towards the counter._

Rachel: I'm not here, I'm not here, I'm not here, I'm not here.

Ross: Ben, why don't you go upstairs? Aunt Rachel will talk to you later?

Ben: Later when?

Ross: When you can lick your elbow.

Ben: Okay!

_Ben exits, struggling to bend his neck towards his elbow._

Rachel: See, Phoebe, you're going to love your little kid.

Phoebe: I'm not ready for that! I'm scared! How could I think I was ready to be a mom?

Mike: Phoebe, relax. You'll make a great mom.

Phoebe: Yeah, well, you've got work. I can't escape! I've got stupid maternity leave!

Mike: I promise that I'll be around whenever you need me.

Phoebe: Really?

Mike: Of course, Phoebe.

Rachel: He's lying, Phoebe, don't believe him.

Mike: What? How did you know that I was lying?

Phoebe: You were lying?

Mike: Uh-

Rachel: Guys always lie.

Ross: That's not true!

Rachel: See! There it is again!

Ross: Rachel, everybody lies sometimes.

Rachel: Not… not… crap, who doesn't lie?

Phoebe: Robots!

Rachel: Phoebe, that's not true, didn't you see iRobot?

Ross: So you did like it!

Rachel: That doesn't matter! Come on, there's gotta be somebody who doesn't lie. Oh! God! God doesn't lie!

Ross (sarcastically): Yeah, okay, you win.

_Rachel smiles._

Rachel: I always win.

Mike: That's because you're his girlfriend!

Phoebe: Mike! It's true, though.

Rachel: Hey! Yeah, you're right.

Ross: So, wait, Phoebe's still not prepared for her little terror!

Phoebe: Yeah, actually, I think anything compared to Ben is going to be okay.

Ross: Hey, he's got some of my genes in him!

Phoebe: Yeah, right. Come on, Ross, he looks exactly like Susan.

_Scene ends and opens in Chandler and Monica's kitchen. Monica is standing by the sink. Enter Chandler. He has put the twins in the bassinet. _

Chandler: Their dad is here.

Monica: What?

_Enter John._

John: Are you the woman that's taking care of my kids?

_Chandler runs behind Monica, afraid._

Monica: Who do you think you are? You abandoned those kids like you abandoned Erica! We have loved them and cared for them for the past year! You don't even care about them! Biological history doesn't matter! We are their real parents!

Chandler (whispering): How can you be so brave?

Monica (whispering): I'm not. I just peed a little. That guy is huge!

John: Look, lady, I'm standing right here.

_Chandler walks out from behind Monica._

Chandler: Hey, don't talk to my wife that way!

Monica (whispering): Chandler, how can you be so brave?

Chandler: I'm not.

_Exit Chandler. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's dining room. Monica and John are sitting on opposite sides of the table. Enter Chandler. Chandler sits next to Monica. Monica, Chandler, and John each have a bowl of Ramen noodles in front of them._

Chandler (to Monica): Ramen noodles? Aren't you a chef?

Monica (to Chandler): I'm nervous!

Chandler (to Monica): Why?

Monica (to Chandler): He could take Jack and Erica away from us, Chandler. I'm just glad he decided to discuss this over dinner.

John: So, Ramen noodles. Is this the kind of deadly sodium-filled food you feed my kids?

Monica: Not at all! We only serve this kind of food when we have guests, so we can get it out of the house so that they can never eat this kind of stuff.

John: Ah, so you save the crappy food for guests.

Chandler: Yes, we're trying to kill them all off so that there's less a chance of other people coming into our house and bringing foreign diseases.

Monica (to Chandler): Okay, honey, leave the sucking up to me.

_Monica's cell phone rings. She takes it out of her pocket and answers it. _

Monica (on the phone): Hello? Oh. Okay, I'll be right there.

Chandler: What?!

_Monica closes her cell phone, puts it back in her pocket, and stands up._

Monica: I have to work. This is really important to me, but I have to go.

_Monica exits to the foyer. Chandler jumps up clumsily and exits, following her. Scene follows him to the foyer._

Chandler: You can't leave! You know how bad I am at talking to people! By the time you're back, he'll have the kids, the house, and probably both of our souls!

Monica: Chandler, you can do this. I believe in you. You'll do find.

Chandler: Really?

Monica: No, but I know a good lawyer. Don't worry.

Chandler: See, you say that, and yet I'm worrying!

Monica: Just talk to him like you talk to Ross and Joey.

Chandler: So, make annoying sarcastic jokes about him and rude remarks about his love life?

Monica: Are you really that mean to your two best friends?

Chandler: Ross has been divorced three times!

Monica: Look, just go back in there and say what you think. With, you know, a filter. Don't you have one of those?

Chandler: I lost it when my parents got divorced, remember?

Monica: Okay, just remember that I love you and I can't see how this can get worse.

Chandler: Thanks.

Monica: Love you.

Chandler: You, too.

_Chandler and Monica kiss. Monica exits. Chandler reenters the dining room. Scene follows him there. He sits in front of his bowls of noodles. John wraps the noodles around his fork and takes a bite of them._

Chandler: So… you eat your noodles with a fork. That's… cool. See, I eat them with a spoon, so I can get the broth, and my friend Joey-

John: Shut up.

Chandler: Okay!

_A long pause._

John: So, if you guys eat this kind of food, do you have to brush your teeth every hour?

Chandler: Actually, I read that Ramen noodles don't actually leave a lot of plaque, which is good, because plaque gives your teeth discoloration, and you want your teeth to all be the same color-

John: How would you like yours to be invisible?

Chandler: Now, see, that's not really a color, it's more like an absence-

_John clenches his fist._

Chandler: But, you know, you can't believe everything you read.

_Scene ends and opens in Monica's car. She is talking on the cell phone while driving. _

Monica (on the phone): Rachel?

_Scene cuts to Rachel, sitting in Central Perk, talking on her cell phone._

Rachel: What's up, Monica?

_Scene returns to Monica, talking on the phone._

Monica (on the phone): Jack and Erica's biological father showed up and he's talking to Chandler!

Rachel (over the phone): Oh my god!

Monica (on the phone): I know!

_Scene cuts to Rachel, talking on the phone. _

Rachel (laughing): No, it's not that, Gunther just tripped and got a face-full of coffee.

_Scene returns to Monica, talking on the phone._

Monica (on the phone): Rachel, I'm freaking out! What if he takes Jack and Erica away from us?

_Scene cuts to Rachel, talking on the phone._

Rachel (on the phone): Please, he wouldn't do that. You guys are their legal parents. Besides, you're like… like parent-children soul-mates… or something.

_Scene returns to Monica, talking on the phone._

Monica (on the phone): You think so?

_Scene cuts to Rachel talking on the phone._

Rachel (on the phone): Oh, definitely. He can't take them away from you. Everything's going to be fine.

_Scene returns to Monica, talking on the phone. _

Monica (on the phone): Yeah, I hope so. Chandler's talking to him right now.

_From over the phone, Rachel laughs hysterically. _

Monica (on the phone): Did Gunther trip again?

Rachel (over the phone): Um, yeah. That's what happened.

Monica (on the phone): Do you think I should worry?

Rachel (over the phone): No, everything will be fine, don't worry. Okay, I have to go.

Monica (on the phone): Why?

_Scene cuts to Rachel, talking on the phone. Joey is sitting next to her on the couch._

Rachel (on the phone): Joey, just got here, I want to tell him about… you and Chandler. Okay, bye.

_Rachel ends her call and puts her cell phone in her pocket. _

Joey: What's going on with Chandler and Monica?

Rachel: What? Oh, never mind, it's not important. No, I wanted to tell you that Gunther tripped and got coffee all over him!

_Joey and Rachel laugh._

Joey: Oh yeah! I know something that you don't know.

Rachel: What is it?

Joey: I can't tell you.

Rachel: What? Why not?

Joey: I just can't.

Rachel: I'll tell you what's going on with Chandler and Monica.

Joey: Oh, no, unless Chandler is proposing to her _again_, my thing is way bigger than yours.

Rachel: Proposing?

Joey (nervously): No! I said… Maposing! That's the new movie I'm in!

Rachel: Joey, what are you talking about?

Joey: Ross is going to propose to you!

_A pause._

Rachel: W-what?

Joey: Oh, come on, I already blew it once, I'm not going to give it away _again_.

Rachel: Ross is proposing to me?

Joey: Sure, keep saying it, it's not like he can kill me any more than once. Or can he?

Rachel: Joey!

Joey: What?

Rachel: Is he- how long have you- when did- why do you- how is he- does… I need a coffee.

_Gunther eagerly swerves towards Rachel with the cup of coffee he had been carrying to a table. He trips and gets coffee all over him. Joey laughs. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Chandler is talking on the phone._

Chandler (on the phone): Monica, he's gone. He decided we were good parents after all!

_Scene cuts to Monica, standing outside Javu, talking on her cell phone._

Monica (on the phone): Really?

_Scene returns to Chandler, talking on the phone._

Chandler (on the phone): No, the kids are gone. Seriously, why would I joke about something like that?

_Scene cuts to Monica, talking on the phone._

Monica (on the phone): I don't know. You tried to make a joke about it when my aunt died.

_Scene returns to Chandler, talking on the phone._

Chandler (on the phone): Which one? Because I know that when one of them died, I made a really lame joke, but then your other aunt died, and I made a really funny joke.

Monica (over the phone): Chandler!

Chandler (on the phone): Never mind. Listen, I am taking you out to a movie tonight, to celebrate us being such good parents.

_Scene cuts to Monica, talking on the phone._

Monica (on the phone): Okay, but what about Jack and Erica?

_Scene returns to Chandler, talking on the phone._

Chandler (on the phone): Oh, we can leave them at home, it's not like anyone's going to break in.

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Rachel is sitting on the couch. Enter Ross. Ross sits on the couch next to Rachel._

Ross: Hey, Rache.

Rachel (nervously): Ross! Oh my god! Ross! It's Ross! Hi, Ross! What's up? What's going on?

Ross: Not much. I think my girlfriend is smoking something, though…

_Rachel laughs too loudly, nervous._

Rachel: That's funny!

Ross: Rachel, what's wrong?

Rachel: Wrong? Nothing's wrong! Everything's perfect! It's so great! It's a nice day! The sun is out! I'm so happy! You know what we should do?

Ross: Go to the hospital?

Rachel: No, silly! We should go on a date!

Ross: That's okay.

Rachel: No, we should! I mean, we haven't gone out to dinner in… in… a certain period of time!

Ross: Well, okay, if you're sane by this evening, maybe it would be nice if we went to the museum again.

Rachel: But you don't work there anymore.

Ross: Not true! I'm on SABBATICAL!

Rachel: Ross, you work at NYU.

Ross: I can have two jobs! You know what, it doesn't matter. Tonight, we'll go to the museum after all of the little annoying kids are gone, and we can just walk around. I'll leave the door unlocked, you can meet me in the planetarium.

Rachel: Okay. See you tonight.

_Ross stands and begins to exit._

Ross: Only if you're sane, though!

Rachel: Okay!

Ross: Alright, bye! Love you!

Rachel: Yeah, okay, bye, Ross!

_Ross exits. Joey enters from the bathroom. _

Rachel: Oh my god!

Joey: I'm sorry, the stalls were full when I got there!

Rachel: Joey, he told me we're going to the museum tonight!

Joey: To…ask you?

Rachel: Yes.

_A pause._

Joey: Will you get me something from the gift shop?

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Ross is sitting in the armchair. Enter Phoebe, with a thick book tucked under her arm._

Phoebe: Oh, hi, Ross!

Ross: Phoebe! You're still sane- I mean, the way you were yesterday!

Phoebe: Wrong. Yesterday, I was not _freaking out _about this parasite growing inside of me!

Ross: _Baby_, Phoebe. _Bouncing baby boy. _Not tapeworm, _boy_.

Phoebe: Yeah, that's what everybody says.

Ross: What are you reading?

Phoebe: Gone With The Wind. I figured I should read it, you know, before it's… too late.

Ross: for the last time, you are not dying! You're just pregnant!

_A man standing near the bar turns around._

Man: Hey, dude, watch out. I said that to my wife, and now we're divorced.

Ross: Oh, no, we're not married.

Man: Can't say I'm surprised.

_Man exits._

Ross: Anyway, you're going to have time to read Gone With The Wind. And why do you want to read it in the first place?

Phoebe: 'Cause it's something that I've never done and won't get another chance to do.

Ross: So, are you going to… lick a frozen pole for that same reason?

Phoebe: No, because licking a frozen pole isn't something that I've never done.

Ross: Really?

Phoebe: Yeah, I made like fifty- you know what, it doesn't matter. You're right, I don't really want to read Gone With The Wind. But I _am _worried about having this kid.

Ross: Don't be. Look, Pheebs, you and Mike are going to make great parents. You two are perfect.

Phoebe: Really? Perfect? I mean, we're pretty good at _conceiving _the kid, but-

Ross: Alright, stop talking to me, _please _stop talking to me.

_Scene ends and opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Rachel is sitting at the table. Enter Monica._

Monica: Hi!

Rachel: Hello…

Monica: What's- You know what? I'm not going to meddle this time. I'm an adult, I can keep out of other people's business.

_Monica exits. A pause. Enter Monica running._

Monica: Did Joey tell you? What happened? Did Ross propose? Did you break up? Are you going to get married? Do you have a ring? Did he run away? Are you going to run away? Is your ring as big as mine?

Rachel: Joey told me, Ross hasn't asked me yet, we're still together, I don't know, not yet, no, no, and that's kind of irrelevant.

Monica: Okay, I really hope you answered my questions in the order that I asked them, because otherwise I'm _lost_.

Rachel: Look, he doesn't know that I know.

Monica: How do you know that he doesn't know that you know?

Rachel: Hey, you quit it. So, he talked to me, and I freaked out.

Monica: Why? Are you not ready?

Rachel: No! I'm totally ready! I love Ross, I'm ready to tell him "yes" if he proposes, but I feel… weird.

Monica: Scared weird?

Rachel: Yeah, I guess. You know what, I'm just scared.

Monica: Well, you have to hide that. Disguise your feelings. Don't show how you really feel. Keep it all bottled up and _never let it out_.

Rachel: Yeah, no.

Monica: Oh, yeah, that was… a test.

Rachel: I'm brave enough to do this, right?

Monica: You were brave enough to leave Barry and live in the city. You were brave enough to leave your job. And, you know, you were brave enough to marry Ross the first time.

Rachel: Can't you guys just stop bringing that up?!

Monica: Look, you're just trying to make a big deal out of nothing. You can do this.

Rachel: Yeah, I can. I can. Oh my god, he's going to propose to me!

Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: I'm going to get married.

Monica: Uh-huh!

_Rachel runs to the door and opens it._

Rachel: I beat you, Joey!

_Scene ends and opens in Mike and Phoebe's apartment. Mike is sitting on the couch. Enter Phoebe. Phoebe sits on the couch._

Mike: Okay, are you done freaking out about the kid?

Phoebe: Fine.

Mike: Did you just say the "f- word"?

Phoebe: Oh, no! I'm ready to be a mother, I'm not ready for you to be a dorky father! Augh!

_Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's house. The front door opens. Enter Monica and Chandler. _

Chandler: You said there were going to be explosions!

Monica: There were!

Chandler: The trailers at the beginning of the movie don't count!

Rachel (from the kitchen): Hey.

Monica: Oh my god!

Chandler: Dah!

_A pause._

Monica: "Dah"?

Chandler: Yeah, it's my yelp of surprise. "Dah!"

Monica: Why can't you just say "Augh!" or "Eek!" or something normal?

Chandler: Hey, I thought you knew about this when you married me!

Monica: But-

Rachel (from the kitchen): I'm still here, if it interests you.

_Chandler and Monica enter the kitchen. Rachel is sitting at the table with a half-full/half-empty glass of wine. _

Monica: Rachel, what are you doing here?

_Rachel holds up her glass of wine._

Rachel: I was out of wine.

Monica: You're supposed to be at the museum! Ross is proposing to you tonight!

Rachel: I'm not ready.

_A pause._

Rachel: Monica?

_Monica shrieks and drags Rachel out of her chair. Chandler backs up against the wall._

Rachel: Monica, what are you doing?!

_Monica drags Rachel to the front door, opens it, and tosses her onto the yard._

Rachel: Monica!

Monica: Now, go to the museum and don't come back in here!

Rachel: I can't drive!

_A pause._

Monica: Well… then… go stand by the car and don't come back inside!

_Monica closes the door and walks to her car. Rachel walks to the passenger side door. Scene ends and opens in the planetarium in the museum. _**(A/N: If you want the full experience of this episode, now go on Youtube and search "vanilla twilight owl city instrumental". Click the first one and listen to it as you read the next scene.) **_Ross is standing by the door. The stars are unlit. Ross is holding a bouquet of flowers. He is looking down. Enter Rachel._

Rachel: Hi, Ross.

_Ross looks up. _

Ross: Rachel?

Rachel: Hey.

_Rachel and Ross kiss. Ross gives her the bouquet of flowers. _

Ross: I love you.

Rachel: I love you, too.

_Ross steps over to the podium and presses the button that makes the stars light up. They spell out, "Will you marry me?" Lilies encircle the room. Rachel gasps._

Ross: Will you?

_Ross kneels down on one knee and extends his arm up to her. He opens the black jewelry box to reveal the engagement ring. A pause._

Rachel: Yes, Ross. Ross!

_Ross puts the ring on Rachel's finger. Ross stands up and leans toward her. Rachel is examining the ring._

Ross: Rachel?

Rachel: Oh, right!

_Rachel and Ross kiss. Credits appear on the screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Chandler is sitting on the couch. Enter Monica._

Chandler: So, how did it go?

Monica: I don't know. I dropped her off, and drove back. I'm done invading other people's privacy and meddling in other people's business.

Chandler: Okay, but you know that you yelling at Rachel to say "yes" to Ross may have affected her decision.

Monica: You know, you… you are- just- shut up!

**END OF SHOW**

**END OF SEASON **

A/N: Check for Season 12 on October 29! The first episode will be a Halloween episode! Hope you liked this season, and please look for the next season! Thanks for sticking with this one! See you in a few weeks!


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